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PODCAST

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

John Brandon, Jim Banks, Matthew Van Zandt, Vanessa

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they"re the fun kind of dumb, and that"s what counts.

leisure video games

All Episodes

01:23:17

South of Midnight Part 3: ROUX WAS AHMED BEST?!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/11/10

South of Midnight Part 3: ROUX WAS AHMED BEST?! Square Roots - Episode 488 Quest Log: 0:16:57 Level Up: 1:12:28 Somehow, throughout this series, Jim, Matt and Vanessa never mentioned that the character Roux from Compulsion Games was played by Jar-Jar Binks, everyone's favourite Star Wars character. Or his actor, anyway, Ahmed Best. Also: * Matt and Jim Don't Know Where the Rockstar Headquarters Are * Jim's Famous Matt Character * A Scardey-Cat Fish * Back to the Future is a Christmas Movie * Onlyh

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02:02:00

South of Midnight Part 2: Edgytainment 6-7

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/11/03

South of Midnight Part 2: Edgytainment 6-7 Square Roots - Episode 487 Quest Log: 0:23:15 Level Up: 1:34:15 We've got some exciting South of Midnight for you today! There's all sorts of terrifying stories of cryptids and social injustice! Matt loves Huggin' Molly. Jim's okay with spiders with people faces. Also: * The Console Widows and rphams * Halo on PlayStation 2 * Edgytainment 6-7 * Crash Tries To Join the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders This Week: Finish Chapter 10! Next Week: Finish the game!

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02:32:36

South of Midnight Part 1: The Goose Is Hot

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/10/27

South of Midnight Part 1: The Goose Is Hot Square Roots - Episode 486 Quest Log: 0:20:30 Level Up: 2:15:30 We're taking a lil detour before doing the vote winner, Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. That's right, Vanessa, Jim and Matthew are doing South of Midnight, the 2025 action platformer Xbox Sclusey. Also: * The New Fourth Host, Dori * Lil Baby Duck Face * That Conflict That Listeners Love * Dolly Parton Hair Sacrilege * Johnny's Lost in the Forest This Week: Finish Chapter 5! Next Week:

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02:00:39

Final Fantasy V Part 5: Gilgamesh is the best -...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/10/20

Final Fantasy V Part 5: Gilgamesh is the best - Episode 485 Matt's writing the notes again this week and he's not good at it! Uh... jokes! Funny things that we say in the ep! Gilgamesh is great, actually Why is the best animation in the game hidden in the credits? We finish Final Fantasy V We announce the next game And more! This Week: Finish Final Fantasy V! Next Week: The first 7 chapters of South of Midnight! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his

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01:29:52

Final Fantasy V Part 4: Vanessa Says Something...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/10/13

Notes! I forgot to write notes! Uh... This week we talk more about Final Fantasy V. Did we finish the game? No. But we're so close! Also, the vote winner for the next game is announced and then we decide maybe not to play it next. Just listen you'll see what I mean. This Week: End of Fork Tower Next Week: ACTUALLY finish the game Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at:

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51:02

It's The Square News Newsbreak!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/10/06

It's The Square News Newsbreak! Square Roots - Episode 484 Level Up: 0:33:24 It's a Square News Newsbreak! Check out our hottest news on the EA Acquisition, Game Pass price hikes, and the death of Rock Band 4! This Week: listen to our hot gaming goose! Next Week: uhhhhhhhhhh matt says finish the game but just play around six hours Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at:

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02:00:01

Final Fantasy V Part 3: "I've Got the Boom Boom, Pow:...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/09/29

Final Fantasy V Part 2: "I've Got the Boom Boom, Pow: Boom Boom in Mario and Representations of Anti-Capitalist Sentiment" Square Roots - Episode 483 Quest Log: 0:24:29 Level Up: 1:39:00 We get to ditch Cid and his subpar grandson and go to an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT planet. What's this planet called? Who knows. What was the other one called? Gaia? I think? Let's just call the new one Planet Galuf, and we don't exactly get a friendly greeting. But we meet some chocobos, set some trees on fire, and

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01:59:41

Final Fantasy V Part 2: MID

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/09/22

Final Fantasy V Part 2: MID Square Roots - Episode 482 Quest Log: 0:37:15 Level Up: 1:39:00 Oh boy, this time on Final Fantasy V things are getting moving! We fail to save the crystals, some jerk is released, and we take a break to go to the library. IT'S ALL FOR FREE! Also: * HONK * Reasonable Randy Pitchford Quotes * More like teddy oh yes * ExDeez Nuts * Bananas aren't Banana * Future Matt and Future Vanessa This Week: Play until we are blasted away by a force field! Next Week: Finish things

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02:18:23

Final Fantasy V Part 1: It's Not Gooning If You Don't...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/09/15

Final Fantasy V Part 1: It's Not Gooning If You Don't Make The Face Square Roots - Episode 481 Quest Log: 0:10:47 Level Up: 1:57:30 Look, we've got a Final Fantasy game with two cool dragons right upfront. Okay, technically, one is a sea serpent and one is a wyvern, but still. Does FFV blow its cool load early? In this chunker of Square's classic JRPG we explore its new, better translation, try to come to terms with its job system, and come across a king stuck halfway into a crystal room. Also: *

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02:42:03

Heavy Rain: Part 4 - Even His Heavy Breathing Is French

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/09/08

Heavy Rain: Part 4 - Even His Heavy Breathing Is French Square Roots - Episode 480 Quest Log: 0:23:18 Level Up: 2:24:57 We've solved the mystery of Heavy Rain, and for the most part we're pretty annoyed about it. But now's your chance to play through these final chapters of Heavy Rain, maybe trick an old lady into telling you about her sons, burn all the evidence, and check out the wrong address and fail to save your son. And they gave you all the clues! Also: * Call Me Shaun * On A Scale Of One To

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02:30:54

Heavy Rain: Part 3 - Left Trigger Inner Monologue...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/09/01

Heavy Rain: Part 3 - Left Trigger Inner Monologue About Ball Crushing Square Roots - Episode 479 Quest Log: 0:19:10 Level Up: 2:11:00 It's Final Fantasy Heavy Rain Time. It's what Strangers in Paradise is like. It's also a prequel to Final Fantasy X. The Origami Killer is secretly Sin. And this time you can seduce Louis CK! And dance sexy for him! Also: * Sexy Alias Adventures * Not Every Person Needs To Be A Serial Killer * Swallow Night: Milf Thong * Jimmy Carr Would Be A Ventrue * A Muppet

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02:06:06

Heavy Rain: Part 2 - The Coward's Store

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/08/25

Square Roots - Episode 478 Quest Log: 0:23:30 Level Up: 1:51:00 CONTENT WARNING: Suicide talk from 30:00 to 45:00 Today's episode of Square Roots is brought to you by the latest in Bidet technology, BidAi. And once you feel car-wash clean back there, please enjoy this essential chunker of David Cage's bonkers classic adventure game, Heavy Rain. There's fish throwing! A crucifix guy! Car driving! A Coward's Door! And so much more. Also: * The Disinfect The Wound Game * If Mister X and Barbarian Lady

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03:07:37

Heavy Rain: Part 1 - Origammy

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/08/18

Heavy Rain: Part 1 - Origammy Square Roots - Episode 477 Quest Log: 0:26:25 Level Up: 2:43:04 Are you ready to be Caged? That's right, it's David Cage time! The notorious director of Quantic Dreams's games! And you all voted for us to play Heavy Rain for some reason when Fable III and Enslaved: Odyssey to the West are right there! But that's okay, we love you just the same. So here's three hours of us talking about a game that for some baffling reason Vanessa and Johnny both seem to love. Also: * A

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02:20:44

Beyond Good & Evil: Part 3 - Vanessa Learns How To Snap

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/08/11

Beyond Good & Evil: Part 3 - Vanessa Learns How To Snap Square Roots - Episode 476 Quest Log: 0:36:15 Level Up: 1:54:16 Holy crow! Vanessa, Jim and Matthew have finished Beyond Good & Evil already! And now you can play through with them through the end of the first and last entry in Ubisoft's series, I think we can all agree that means that the one with the swearing monkeys isn't coming out. Also: * I Don't Know What Happens In This Episode * Jim Hasn't Edited It Yet This Week: Finish Beyond Good &

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02:17:17

Beyond Good & Evil: Part 2 - Colin Firth is the Dessert

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/08/04

Beyond Good & Evil: Part 2 - Colin Firth is the Dessert Square Roots - Episode 475 Quest Log: 24:55 Level Up: 01:44:45 On this blockbusting episode of Square Roots, Vanessa, Jim and Matthew interrupt their examination of the premise of Mamma Mia! to discuss the Ubisoft classic action adventure game, Beyond Good & Evil! Also: * Vanessa Isn't Sure How To Pronounce Portcullis, Sue Perkins Is Disappointed * We Need a New Wolf * Lovett versus Lovitz * Menu Navigation: The Challenge of the Game * The Most

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01:46:58

Square Roots: The Superman Tangent

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/07/28

Square Roots: The Superman Tangent Square Roots - Episode 474 Hot Gaming Goss: 02:45 Quest Log: 29:45 Level Up: 17:28 Non-Spoiler Review: 38:36 The Spoilery Superlog: 48:35 Matt and Jim decide just not to talk about Beyond Good & Evil after Vanessa's mysterious absence, and instead review the new Superman movie! Also: * I heard the new Marvel is crazy! * Our friend Artie's new Forgotten Realms cookbook

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02:41:55

Beyond Good & Evil: Part 1 - Donkula

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/07/21

Beyond Good & Evil: Part 1 - Donkula Square Roots - Episode 473 Quest Log: 29:45 Level Up: 02:13:45 On this incredible first episode of Ubisoft's classic Black & White, Jim, Matt and Vanessa get to play the beloved Jade Empire. Wait. No. Okay it's Beyond Good & Evil, don't trust Matt's lies. Also: * Johnny’s on BlueOrigin * Script treatments * Square roots reacts to pig ranking * P’uncle * Touching pigs, touching sheep * Reenacting the movie Pig * Business Casual Podcasting This Week: Return to

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02:49:52

Enchanted Arms Part 7: The Kind of Walk You Play A...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/07/14

Enchanted Arms Part 7: The Kind of Walk You Play A Tuba For! Square Roots - Episode 472 Quest Log: 27:15 Level Up: 02:07:48 This is it: we're finished the game that almost broke the podcast! That's right, on this week's Enchanted Arms, we've put the series to bed! The FROM SOFTWARE classic JRPG elicited all sorts of reactions from the Square Roots crew. Also: * No, Stop! * Just A Bottle Of Brown Spit! * Punch A Newborn Baby! * You Need To Watch A Shonen Anime! This Week: Finish Enchanted Arms! Next

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02:24:40

Enchanted Arms Part 6: Dairy Queen is a Sore Subject

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/07/07

Enchanted Arms Part 6: Dairy Queen is a Sore Subject Square Roots - Episode 471 Quest Log: 32:20 Level Up: 01:48:40 Don't talk to Matt about Dairy Queen. Or Atsuma and his stupid arm. Heck, I don't think Matt is even enjoying The Mystery Man's hijinks at this point, almost at the end, of Enchanted Arms, the cult classic FROM SOFTWARE JRPG! Also: * The first podcast * Everybody gets one pig * Adult arcades * Puzzy Corner * The titular sleep * Equis Dickboy Charlie Merrily This Week: Defeat the

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02:07:51

Enchanted Arms Part 5: Gum Cutters

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/06/30

Enchanted Arms Part 5: Gum Cutters Square Roots - Episode 470 Quest Log: 36:48 Level Up: 01:51:18 This week on Square roots, Matt really, really wants to get Johnny into the Ministry Duck, but it's just not happening. Meanwhile in FROM SOFTWARE's Enchanted Arms, we learn an important lesson about Miyazaki. Also we learn about Tokimune's sex golems, some motivation behind Oboro's actions, Sayaka's secret Dad, and so much more. Also: * You Gotta Hit That Word So Right * Jim Loves Sticking His Hand In

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