PODCAST

Book Retorts

A show about explaining your weird media finds to your friends

comedy books

All Episodes

01:52:47

The Rise of Endymion - Part 4

Book Retorts ·

2025/02/05

We continue the never ending saga of The Rise of Endymion by Dan Simmons from 1997. We return with…more exposition! And special guest (and trauma buddy) Filip, from the Mind Duck Books podcast, who is in the anger stage of Hyperion Grief. Raul (rhymes with Tall) has arrived on a mountain planet that probably has a name but only one of us knows it (spoiler: it's Sam). Due to time debt (and shenanigans) Aenea has aged up and that's good news for Raul because he's into her. But in a really gross way

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01:38:29

Barbarian Lover

Book Retorts ·

2025/01/22

Danielle starts the new year out strong with the another entry in the Ice Planet Barbarian series by Ruby Dixon with the 2015 book Barbarian Lover. We're back on the Ice Planet, which probably has a name, and the tribe with the wayward girls is chugging along. Many of the girls are paired off and pregnant, fortunately we're spared the horror of an alien pregnancy as we follow Kira, who's single. Kira's not out of the woods yet as one of the tribes men is determined to mate with her despite not

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01:26:12

The Rise of Endymion - Part 3

Book Retorts ·

2025/01/08

We start the new year with part three of The Rise of Endymion by Dan Simmons from 1997. We return with...exposition! In a very long scene on the popesteroid, Pope Hoyt brings in Councilor Albedo to explain to the various church leaders that Aenea is carrying a literal engineered virus that will spread through humanity, kill off the cruciforms, and then evolve humans into the Ousters. This is apparently a bad thing? So to combat that, they have been putting billions of people without cruciforms in

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01:42:45

Candy Cane Lane

Book Retorts ·

2024/12/25

Danielle ends our Winter Bizarre this year with the 2023 Eddie Murphy movie Candy Cane Lane. Chris is your average Christmas obsessed man living in the one neighborhood in Los Angeles which goes full Candy Cane Lane with a house decorating contest each year. After losing his job and then conveniently learning the decorating contest prize this year is one-hundred-thousand dollars, Chris goes off the deep end to win. He drags his young daughter along, instead of taking her to school, and finds a

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01:41:58

A Karate Christmas Miracle

Book Retorts ·

2024/12/11

The Winter Bizarre is back! And Sam kicks things off with the truly insane movie A Karate Christmas Miracle from 2019. This movie opens with Jesse, an average ten-year-old boy who has given himself the task of earning a black belt in karate by Christmas, which is like six days away. He believes that doing so will bring his father back, who was kidnapped a year ago by a clown who committed a mass shooting in a movie theater his dad was at. And if you think this movie has anything insightful or

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00:24:36

Book Reshorts: The Thankening IV: Revengening of the...

Book Retorts ·

2024/11/27

It's the time of year again, and the thankers are back! This year Danielle and Sam take some time to think back to their childhoods and recall the media they consumed as kids that they are thankful for. So relive with us some of our best and most traumatic childhood memories.

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01:11:24

Phantom of the Megaplex

Book Retorts ·

2024/11/13

Danielle is back on the Disney Channel Original Movie train with the 2000 made for TV movie Phantom of the Megaplex. Pete is the 17 year-old assistant manager of the small-town megaplex, which has somehow just scored hosting the premiere for the next major blockbuster. Unfortunately, the owner has just informed senior manager Shawn the he's being passed over for the role of the general manager in favor of the owner's son-in-law. Shawn doesn't seem too distraught by this despite this being a truly

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01:58:35

The Rise of Endymion - Part 2

Book Retorts ·

2024/10/30

After a short break for recovery, we're back with part two of the Dan Simmons novel The Rise of Endymion from 1997. After far too many weeks, Danielle is back, and so is our far more optimistic guest co-host Filip from the Mind Duck Books podcast. The first thing our intrepid hosts attempt to recall is how the story started in the previous episode. It is a surprisingly difficult challenge for all three of the hosts, and it's unclear if that has more to do with the time since the last episode, or the

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01:23:56

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Book Retorts ·

2024/10/16

Spook Retorts is back! And this year Danielle is starting us off with the venerable Halloween franchise with the third installment from 1982: Season of the Witch. If you love Michael Myers and the deep lore of the Halloween movies, then you're going to have very ambivalent feelings about Halloween III, which is the first (and last) of John Carpenter's planned anthology series of Halloween movies. When an elderly toy maker is able to escape murder thanks to a well placed block of concrete on a chain,

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01:27:46

Simply Irresistible

Book Retorts ·

2024/10/02

This week, Danielle brings the 1999 Sarah Michelle Gellar film Simply Irresistible. Amanda is a chef in New York City who owns a failing restaurant because she's a terrible cook. While at a street framer's market, Amanda is bullied into buying a basket of crabs and then has a chance encounter with Tom, the manager of the big department store who's also opening a restaurant in that department store for some reason. It should be noted that these chance encounters, and basket of crabs, is all being

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01:53:27

The Rise of Endymion - Part 1

Book Retorts ·

2024/09/18

Sam finally begins the final part of the the Hyperion Cantos with the 1997 book The Rise of Endymion by Dan Simmons. It's finally here! The last book in the absolutely bonkers Hyperion series, and in desperate need of help our intrepid hosts have called in Filip from the Mind Duck Books podcast for much needed moral support. We kick off with Danielle doing a frankly astonishingly good summary of the previous book to catch everyone up. Still, Filip does have a few questions that Sam has no answers

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00:24:55

Book Reshorts: Franchise Follies

Book Retorts ·

2024/09/04

On the final short of our summer break, Sam has a new game for Danielle, that's a lot like some of our other games (look, there's only so many ideas we can have). In this game, Sam finds weird entries in popular franchises and has Danielle guess which of the three descriptions is the real deal. This is another game where we might not be very good at it, but Sam does come up with some excellent ideas for The X-Files episodes.

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00:21:56

Book Reshorts: Sequel Shenanigans 2: The Sequel

Book Retorts ·

2024/08/21

As our summer break continues, we're back for another round of Sequel Shenanigans! In this game Danielle and Sam present three possible sequel titles for media franchises they covered and the other person has to guess which is the real sequel title. They're not very good at the game but they do come up with some great ideas for sequels, so we think it evens out.

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00:32:49

Book Reshorts: The Quiz: Back in the Quizzadle

Book Retorts ·

2024/08/07

Book Reshorts: The Quiz: Back in the Quizzaddle

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00:24:53

Book Reshorts: Panic! at the Recall: B! Sides

Book Retorts ·

2024/07/24

While Danielle and Sam are on their summer break, they have some very special shorts so as not to leave you destitute. This time we're back with the Panic! at the Recall game where our beleaguered hosts try their best to summarize the past media they've shared in under a minute. How bad are they at this? Not great! It's a lot of fun, and definitely leads to the conclusion that our hosts should maybe listen to their own podcast on occasion.

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01:22:01

Killer Crabs

Book Retorts ·

2024/07/10

This week the crabs are back as Danielle shares the 1978 Guy N. Smith novel Killer Crabs. We open in Australia where local fisherman Klin is super upset, and maybe a bit racist, about the Japanese poachers stealing his fish. After refusing the siren call of a woman to instead indulge his hatred of the poachers, his concerns are quickly replaced as the fisherman becomes the fished! We're of course talking about giant killer crabs as big as a small car! Or an elephant! Or two sheep! While no one can

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01:27:57

Smart House

Book Retorts ·

2024/06/26

This week it's Sam's turn to share a Disney Channel original movie with the 1999 movie Smart House. Ben Cooper is your average 13-year-old kid completely distraught at the loss of his mother and so desperate to keep his family from changing further that he sabotages his dad's attempts at dating. You know, healthy stuff. Ben isn't only a severely troubled kid, he's also a computer nerd and spends all his free time entering online contests, the most recent of which is to win a smart house. Ben, of

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01:56:41

Ready, Set, Love - Part 3

Book Retorts ·

2024/06/12

It's finally time for the finale of the Thai drama Ready, Set, Love (เกมชนคนโสด)! When we last left off, our group of contestants had decided it was time to create a revolution by exposing the TV show as rigged. Why the populace would suddenly rise up against the government because a realty show wasn't entirely real is not explained. Anyway, their first step is to try and make Chanel win the next game. Considering the whole thing is supposed to be rigged for Chanel, the fact that they feel the need

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01:17:49

Inspector Gadget 2

Book Retorts ·

2024/05/29

This week Sam brings Danielle the 2003 direct to VHS film Inspector Gadget 2. If you fondly recall the original 1999 film starring Matthew Broderick, or even the Inspector Gadget cartoon, then you're leagues ahead of Sam and Danielle who only have the vaguest notion of what happened in that first film. Will that stop them from speculating wildly using only the sequel as reference? Absolutely not! So it's time for a new film and and a new Gadget played by French Stewart. He's apparently made Riverton

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01:28:17

Ready, Set, Love - Part 2

Book Retorts ·

2024/05/15

Danielle takes us back to the dystopia this week in part two of the Thai drama Ready, Set, Love (เกมชนคนโสด). We rejoin Day and the rest as the games continue on the set of Ready, Set, Love. Well, there's one game for the show which is far too few for Sam's liking. However, Day finally realizes she knows Sun from when he was a runaway child and they became friends. At the the same time, Valentine realizes that Almond is her long-lost brother that was stolen from her family just after being born

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