PODCAST

Book Retorts

A show about explaining your weird media finds to your friends

comedy books

All Episodes

01:53:00

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom

Book Retorts ·

2025/11/12

Sam manages to find another classic Sam film with the 1985 Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (or Wizards of Wizard Island, your choice). The summary promises something about galaxies converging and heroes emerging, and there are neither in this sword and sorcery 80s fever dream, but we can promise sheep disguised as humans, magic with zero rules, and a ring of power that seems to be unneeded as, again, the magic has zero rules. Follow our young non-hero, Simon, as he is entrusted with the only thing

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01:25:20

The Origin of the Crabs

Book Retorts ·

2025/10/29

We finish out Spook Retorts: UK not OK (last minute title, sorry not sorry) with a spin through Scotland. This time, with crabs! That's right, Danielle's bringing it back to a Book Retorts favorite with another killer crustacean masterpiece, The Origin of the Crabs by Guy N. Smith frin 1974. Have you ever wondered what created those crazy man-eating cow-sized crabs? Too bad. This book is not for you. But if you're in it for the click click clickety click of outsized pinchers tearing people limb from

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01:56:29

Breeding Ground

Book Retorts ·

2025/10/15

Spook Retorts: UK not OK is back, along with Filip! And more importantly, SLUGS (sorry, Filip). That’s right! Sam has decided to grace us with the 1985 sequel novel to Shaun Hutson’s pulp fiction classic Slugs, the aptly named Breeding Ground. Also about slugs…but slugs who breed. They also have mind control. And sometimes they eat…you know what, let’s start over. Picking up where the last book left off, probably, a slug is eaten off some cabbage by an unfortunate man who pretty immediately dies,

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02:07:19

The London Werewolf Adventure (Sweet Valley High) -...

Book Retorts ·

2025/10/01

Just in time for Spook Retorts, Danielle finishes her recap of Sweet Valley High by Francine Pascal. Did you ever think "I wish Danielle would do more of the Wakefield twins but with werewolves?" Sam didn't, but you're in luck! We left off finding out Lord Pembroke was deep into werewolf lore, so deep into it in fact, that the police chief has covered up every murder, including of his own fiancée, so that Pembroke could take a crack at finding the wolf before all the other werewolf hunters (???)

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02:19:15

Highlander III: The Sorcerer

Book Retorts ·

2025/09/17

Sam decides to throwback to his roots with a recap of the 1994 banger Highlander III: The Sorcerer. Or The Final Dimension. Or The Final Conflict. You decide. Which is actually Highlander II because it doesn't believe in aliens. Anyway, when Connor MacLeod…you know what, it doesn't matter because this is the exact plot of the first movie but with less Sean Connery, more Japanese trapeze artists, and ILLUSIONS. Did you think there could be only one? We're sorry, apparently there are more. Picture, if

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01:15:12

The London Werewolf Adventure (Sweet Valley High) -...

Book Retorts ·

2025/09/03

Danielle brings back a classic with a recap of another Sweet Valley High by Francine Pascal. Shockingly, there are no murder twins in this arc (yet) but there are werewolves (?); so, you win some, you lose some. When Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield get a summer internship at the London Journal, somehow on the crime beat, they stumble upon a grisly murder that everyone is pretty sure was committed by werewolves. Except Sam, who, surprisingly, disregards the plot entirely to focus on the twins'

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01:20:54

Magic Island

Book Retorts ·

2025/08/20

Sam once again digs into his childhood psyche and recaps one of his core memories: the 1995 direct-to-video movie Magic Island. When angsty teen Jack (Zachery Ty Bryan of 90s fame) wants to stick it to his negligent mother, he decides to run away from home. Thankfully, the only loving adult in his life, nanny/housekeeper Lucretia, distracts him with a mysterious book that sucks him in. Literally. Now thrown together with a ragtag team of buccaneers (join us for The Things We Learn on Book Retorts

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01:34:08

AfrAId

Book Retorts ·

2025/08/06

Danielle pays homage to Sam’s one and only DCOM, Smart House, by bringing the adult horror version to the table with the 2024 movie AfrAId. John Cho and Katherine Waterston (delightfully) star as John Cho and Meredith, parents to three children who are being raised in our technological dystopia. When John Cho’s boss requires him to install a very fancy Alexa in his house named AIA who watches their every move, what could possibly go wrong? Nothing, obviously. Definitely nobody dying. And definitely

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01:38:12

The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice

Book Retorts ·

2025/07/23

Sam is thrilled to talk about something unrelated to Hyperion (or is it?) with one of his favorite franchises: Noah Wyle! Sorry, that’s Danielle’s favorite franchise. It’s the 2008 final installment of The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice (yes, that Judas). It’s about vampires! And bible retcons! And opera! When Flynn Carsen (Noah Wyle!) banishes yet another woman he’s dating into the ether because of his job, he realizes he has to take a vacay or his mission to be the World’s Worst Librarian

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02:04:12

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes - Part 2

Book Retorts ·

2025/07/09

Back from our summer break, Danielle finally graces everyone with the finale to the 2020 book The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins. When we last left Coriolanus, he was being called in to rescue Sejanus from the big bad Hunger Games where he was determined to kill himself to make a statement; Coriolanus won't let him, which in retrospect was perhaps a stupid decision. Anyway, things go awry and pretty soon everyone in the Hunger Games has died except, shockingly, Lucy Gray, thanks

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02:05:29

Slugs (Rerun)

Book Retorts ·

2025/06/25

Danielle and Sam are on still on summer break this month, so please enjoy another rerun for some more Spook Retorts in June. We'll see you in next with brand new nonsense!Spook Retorts is back, and this week Sam shares the 1988 cult horror movie Slugs! When people start dying in mysterious ways in a small town, it's up to county health inspector Mike Brady to uncover the mystery. Why is it up to the health inspector to do this? That is among the many, many questions this movie steadfastly refuses

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01:47:36

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (Rerun)

Book Retorts ·

2025/06/11

Danielle and Sam are on a much needed summer break this month, so please enjoy a rerun of one of our favorites for some Spook Retorts in June. We'll see you in July with fresh nonsense!In the finale of this year's Spook Retorts, Danielle shares the 1998 movie I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. If you remember anything about the first I Know What You Did Last Summer, it's about a hook-wielding fisherman seeking bloody revenge against a group of teens that hit him with a car and left him for

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01:27:33

Hyperion: The Final Exam

Book Retorts ·

2025/05/28

This week we look back (fondly?) on our epic time with the Dan Simmons series Hyperion. It's the end of the semester and Professor Sam has prepared a surprise final exam for his students Danielle and Filip. Let's see how much they can remember as they fill in the blanks and answer questions about the entire series. Maybe Professor Sam gets some answers wrong too, it's that challenging of an exam! Then we have the oral presentation portion of the test as our students present their favorite, and

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01:50:27

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes - Part 1

Book Retorts ·

2025/05/14

Danielle goes dystopic with The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins. This 2020 prequel to The Hunger Games follows the charming romantic misadventures of Cornelius Snow; the charismatic ne’er-do-well who brought us such classics as failing to kill Katniss Everdeen, destroying his own despotic regime, and not understanding the plight of the common man. Flashback to teenage Cornelius who has been tapped for the prestigious role as mentor in the tenth annual Hunger Games. Once wealthy,

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02:12:18

The Rise of Endymion - Part 6

Book Retorts ·

2025/04/30

After three long years, Sam finally wraps up the Hyperion saga with the grand finale of The Rise of Endymion by Dan Simmons. Aenea has taken her show on the road and is spreading the love with her magic blood. Raul, who finally got a taste of it, is tripping: hearing the voices of the dead, chatting with the cosmos, seeing auras (irrelevant), and apparently he can hear every thought and feeling of everyone ever. Privacy? Who needs it. Doesn’t matter though, because Raul, the worst choice for the

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01:21:25

Under Wraps

Book Retorts ·

2025/04/16

Danielle returns to Disney Channel original movies with the 2021 movie Under Wraps. We're back on the DCOM train, baby, choo-choo! And not just any DCOM the very first DCOM ever, or rather, the remake of the very first DCOM. Gilbert, Marshall, and Amy are your average 12-year-old kids getting excited for Halloween when they decide to break into their neighbors home because they saw a moving van out in front. Solid kid logic. Inside they find an anthropoid coffin, and when Gilbert uses super kid

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00:22:22

Book Reshorts: Opinions on Simmons

Book Retorts ·

2025/04/02

Join us this week for another of our world-famous shorts "Opinions on Simmons" where—you guessed it—we read opinions on Simmons! Dan Simmons, that is, the indelible author of such works as Hyperion, Hyperion 2: Shrike Boogaloo, Endymion, and More Endymion. Sam, trying his best to avoid the epic conclusion to his three-year Hyperion saga, has asked for more time to get his shrikes in order. In lieu, we scoured the internet for reviews (both classy and sassy) to share. Each book in the Hyperion Cantos

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01:53:59

The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns

Book Retorts ·

2025/03/19

Danielle goes big for St. Patrick’s Day with the (probably mildly offensive to Irish everywhere) 1999 mini-series, The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns. When American, Randy Quaid, heads to Ireland on a mysterious work trip, he gets more than he bargained for when he realizes he’s sharing a home with a leprechaun (Colm Meaney, obviously). He makes quite the impression on the small town (and Sam), when he immediately peeping-toms his beautiful neighbor, then trespasses on her property, and then

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01:55:53

The Rise of Endymion - Part 5

Book Retorts ·

2025/03/05

The Rise of Endymion - Part 5

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01:46:38

Abigail

Book Retorts ·

2025/02/19

Danielle pulls a Spook Retorts in February as she recaps the “best horror movie of 2024,” Abigail. Cue a mysterious stranger who has put together what Sam argues is definitely not a heist team to kidnap a ballerina child for a ransom amount that makes no sense. Stolen from her home, Abigail (titular ballerina child) is taken to a gothic mansion in the woods to spend the night. The (not) heist team has one job: to babysit. Spoiler: it does not go well. They quickly realize that Abigail is the

en-US

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