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PODCAST

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

Welcome to If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

comedy improv

All Episodes

1:02:33

Steak Though? Steak?

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/09/08

John, merritt and Niki reconvene for a fresh round of industry analysis and insight, covering such diverse topics as Fraiser, Mad About You, "fuck-ass Westerns," fluffy toilet lid covers, those 52 plastic-coated little guys, secrets for a successful gambling trip, what you can do with $120, and folks? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six

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1:07:25

The Great Canadian-Off

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/09/01

merritt surprises John and Niki with not just a game to play on a mainline episode, but a Canadian game about Canada and its wonderful(?) culture.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky:

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59:35

List of Bean Head Cartoons

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/08/25

With John aboard the International Space Station, merritt and Niki make do by discussing fly fishing penis etiquette, the World Games, "cracking open a warm one," MSNBC's new name, the pre-Gumball era, famous ibexes, and folks? Somehow, against all odds, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k

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57:31

CloneFL

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/08/18

John, merritt and Niki once again attempt to solve the world's most pressing issues, which this week include the cryo lab they have at the zoo, post-war surfing, cow valves, British people singing, the vast potential enabled by time travel, and folks? Somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson,

en

59:28

The Sand Eating Competition

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/08/11

With Gimmick Month behind us, and with everyone's ensuing physical and emotional wounds mostly healed, merritt, John and Niki get back to basics with a good ol' fashioned episode of the podcast. What does that mean, exactly? It means talking about slicing burgers like pizza. It means inventing new kinds of state-based restaurant systems. It means investigating the seedy underbelly of competitive eating. It means watching Mr. Beast, and somehow, so much more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your

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1:04:30

Gimmick Month: The Great White Off 2025

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/08/04

Gimmick Month crashes into its shocking and climactic conclusion, as Niki runs merritt and John through a gauntlet of challenges designed to determine just who on this show is the whitest.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art

en

1:00:29

Gimmick Month: Candy Week

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/07/28

Gimmick Month continues somehow, with our three heroes navigating Candy Week to the absolute best of their abilities. Perils awaiting them include (but are not limited to) beef tallow Reese's Cups, "the one that most looks like a turd," carbonic acid, the chocolate bar that makes you gay, something called "bridge mixture," and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of

en

51:35

Gimmick Month: Oops, Other People's Gimmicks

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/07/21

If you thought Gimmick Month wasn't going to last the whole month, well, that's not a very reasonable assumption! We named it that on purpose! Anyway this week's gimmick is plagiarism. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by

en

56:11

Gimmick Month: Quiz Week

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/07/14

Gimmick Month continues with Niki's most devious and unpredictable challenge yet: Quiz Week. Do you know as much about the world as you think you do? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky:

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1:01:39

Gimmick Month: PBS Week

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/07/07

It's July somewhere, and that means it's finally time for Gimmick Month!! Niki has graciously taken point on engineering this year's gimmicks, starting off the 2025 season with PBS Week, which, of course, must include discussion of Little Richard, Fetch with Ruff Ruffman, video games on the roadshow, when you go "to see a thing and one of the people doesn't say anything," and folks? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble

en

1:01:23

The Knife Man Commeth

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/06/30

Longtime best-friend and founding cast member LB Hunktears returns for a special episode full of surprises and adventure, as John, Niki and merritt walk LB through everything they've missed over the last few weeks, including Niki's plan to "do We Are the World again," Bane JNCOs, Frankenstein, the Spaceballs sequel, the latest issue of that AARP magazine Niki gets in the mail for some reason, jelqing, and dude, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported

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1:00:30

Mormon Dentist of Salt Lake City

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/06/23

John's back from having major reconstructive surgery, so to celebrate Niki and merritt throw him a big welcome home party with all of John's favorite things, including the show Sister Wives, "the autistic character in League of Legends," merritt's new straight jacket, Frank Thomas' Fuck Pills, doing gear, coming up with new rules for America's Favorite Pastime, and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip

en

59:08

merritt Saw the Creature

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/06/16

merritt, John and Niki bring a very important topic to the forefront of their weekly discussions: Who is behind the conspiracy destroying this podcast? To get to the bottom of it, the gang investigates a number of related mysteries, including the ET and Mario Kart rides at Universal Studios, "he has big teeth and he's everywhere," merritt's new Wii, and homie, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at

en

1:04:59

Jake: Origins

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/06/09

So the bad news this week is that John was in an honest-to-God car accident and has a broken ankle, but the good news is that merritt is joining the show fulltime! These incidents are unrelated and nobody should look into them. :) Otherwise the gang workshops some new ways to incentivize young voters, while also handling John's irrational fear of windows, shoot playing Roblox, and folks, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three

en

1:01:37

More Burger Music

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/06/02

John, merritt and Niki crack open a cold tallboy of TRUTH and slurp down a flight of intoxicating discussion topics, including (but not limited to) a failed clone of Machine Gun Kelly, the average number of marriages on this show, getting Jason Bourned as "something to do," Pac-Man's cavernous maw, a Chuck E. Cheese fire in Chicago, and honestly, so much that I've purposefully left out because it was way too funny to spoil here.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported

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1:06:31

Ahh!! It's Not Hot!!!

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/05/26

John, Niki and merritt take a break from their quickly unraveling lives [Editor's note: They're fine, I'm just trying to spice things up a little] to discuss a growing number of deep interpersonal concerns, including the physical cost of teleporting, our plans for the rapidly approaching Gimmick Month, deciding to look at a real dead body live on air, vertical smiles (and not the kind you'd think), and my friend, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported

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59:34

Wokelock

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/05/19

In addition to being on From the World of John Wick: Ballerina watch, Niki, merritt and John are also keeping an eye on several other developing situations, including Amy Poehler's podcasting career, everyone's favorite Rugrats, putting a bath over your bath, whether Jamba Juice still exists, Law & Order's latest murder, the Billboard Top 100, the most racist thing merritt's ever done, the Wheel, and homie, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy

en

1:03:57

Gasoline Pie

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/05/12

With Niki and merritt installed as America's new Gas Czar(s), John struggles to adapt to the new normal of gasoline freestyle machines. Meanwhile, the group is also enlisted to solve a number of scientific quandaries, including whether Sandman from comics (not that one) cums sand, why you should respect the superhuman abilities of Ariel from The Little Mermaid trilogy, what to make of a special jpeg from Jordan, and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a

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1:01:42

Monkey Breeders List - Digital File

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/05/05

It's the first day of merrit's extended speaking engagement at Drivey's Ed, and to celebrate she briefs John and Niki on a number of pressing topics that she hopes to cover during her stay, including her upcoming stint as Prime Minster of Canada, the specifics of that gorilla question that's going around, Niki's weekend at the country music festival, cows the size of NERDS® Candy, and pardner, somehow even more.Music by Jordan Mallory. Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).Support us:

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1:00:59

With My Mouth Hand

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/04/28

LB, Niki and John. You know them, you love them, and one of them was forced to do crowd work as a child, but you'll have to listen to find out which. We also learn about a certain someone's shameful gas buying habits ("Don't tell anyone I top off!"), the secret truth about escape rooms, a Sailor Scout you've never heard of, value-added fungus, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki,

en

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