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PODCAST

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

Welcome to If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

comedy improv

All Episodes

59:08

merritt Saw the Creature

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/06/16

merritt, John and Niki bring a very important topic to the forefront of their weekly discussions: Who is behind the conspiracy destroying this podcast? To get to the bottom of it, the gang investigates a number of related mysteries, including the ET and Mario Kart rides at Universal Studios, "he has big teeth and he's everywhere," merritt's new Wii, and homie, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at

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1:04:59

Jake: Origins

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/06/09

So the bad news this week is that John was in an honest-to-God car accident and has a broken ankle, but the good news is that merritt is joining the show fulltime! These incidents are unrelated and nobody should look into them. :) Otherwise the gang workshops some new ways to incentivize young voters, while also handling John's irrational fear of windows, shoot playing Roblox, and folks, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three

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1:01:37

More Burger Music

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/06/02

John, merritt and Niki crack open a cold tallboy of TRUTH and slurp down a flight of intoxicating discussion topics, including (but not limited to) a failed clone of Machine Gun Kelly, the average number of marriages on this show, getting Jason Bourned as "something to do," Pac-Man's cavernous maw, a Chuck E. Cheese fire in Chicago, and honestly, so much that I've purposefully left out because it was way too funny to spoil here.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported

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1:06:31

Ahh!! It's Not Hot!!!

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/05/26

John, Niki and merritt take a break from their quickly unraveling lives [Editor's note: They're fine, I'm just trying to spice things up a little] to discuss a growing number of deep interpersonal concerns, including the physical cost of teleporting, our plans for the rapidly approaching Gimmick Month, deciding to look at a real dead body live on air, vertical smiles (and not the kind you'd think), and my friend, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported

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59:34

Wokelock

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/05/19

In addition to being on From the World of John Wick: Ballerina watch, Niki, merritt and John are also keeping an eye on several other developing situations, including Amy Poehler's podcasting career, everyone's favorite Rugrats, putting a bath over your bath, whether Jamba Juice still exists, Law & Order's latest murder, the Billboard Top 100, the most racist thing merritt's ever done, the Wheel, and homie, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy

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1:03:57

Gasoline Pie

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/05/12

With Niki and merritt installed as America's new Gas Czar(s), John struggles to adapt to the new normal of gasoline freestyle machines. Meanwhile, the group is also enlisted to solve a number of scientific quandaries, including whether Sandman from comics (not that one) cums sand, why you should respect the superhuman abilities of Ariel from The Little Mermaid trilogy, what to make of a special jpeg from Jordan, and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a

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1:01:42

Monkey Breeders List - Digital File

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/05/05

It's the first day of merrit's extended speaking engagement at Drivey's Ed, and to celebrate she briefs John and Niki on a number of pressing topics that she hopes to cover during her stay, including her upcoming stint as Prime Minster of Canada, the specifics of that gorilla question that's going around, Niki's weekend at the country music festival, cows the size of NERDS® Candy, and pardner, somehow even more.Music by Jordan Mallory. Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).Support us:

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1:00:59

With My Mouth Hand

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/04/28

LB, Niki and John. You know them, you love them, and one of them was forced to do crowd work as a child, but you'll have to listen to find out which. We also learn about a certain someone's shameful gas buying habits ("Don't tell anyone I top off!"), the secret truth about escape rooms, a Sailor Scout you've never heard of, value-added fungus, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki,

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1:07:52

Facts About 'The Pitt'

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/04/21

LB, Niki and John, placed on this Earth to perform one task, must continue their great effort by first dealing with LB's overstretched plantar, the existence of the "chicken jockey" and what effect saying the phrase "chicken jockey" to one's parents might have, the music they're playing our children in PE class, if Ghost Adventures is real, the return of Scam Text Theater, and homies, so much more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and

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1:06:29

To Us, You’re Already Bald

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/04/14

It's time once again for LB, John and Niki to do their usual thang and solve all of the world's problems in just over an hour. This week, our heroes discuss batteries, different ways of making oats, the Burger King's relationship with Ronald McDonald, writing in cursive, why they not have ketchup in glass bottle anymore, hooking up your new chair, penis music, and as expected, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder

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59:29

Hey King, You Are the King

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/04/07

Back in the saddle and blasting indiscriminately, John, Niki and LB gather their various dogs for a ruff-riding romp through a number of discussion topics, which include (but are not limited to) the mural at Johnny Rockets, the Quibi guy, watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit while standing outside of a FUBU, British people and their historical chants, The Rock and how he "ruins things," and despite our best efforts, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about

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1:08:28

Adventures Doomsday

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/03/31

Niki, John and LB chew the fat -- the HORSE fat, that is!!! -- in this wacky new installment of our madcap program. I don't know how you guys LISTEN to this stuff!! XD Not only does LB debut a brand-new segment, but this episode also touches on some really wild and unpredictable nonsense, like the correlation between sandwich length and disease severity, Reddit's secret "third measurement," dogs with prehensile tails, whether lying to your doctor "counts" or not, and Onii-chan? Somehow even

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54:18

Rat Bar

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/03/24

With Niki trapped aboard the San Francisco Space Station, local hero Charles Harte steps in to "fill the void" and help LB and John answer some of the biggest questions facing today's Sleepy Americans, including if anyone has ever fucked The Big Apple Coaster at New York-New York Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, how hot farts are, the biggest poop ever recorded, contracting Hantavirus, whether the bathroom attendant knows if this building is haunted, and folks? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're

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54:47

Blood Laundering

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/03/17

This week John, Niki and LB, in a show of unity and strength against mounting opposition forces, take scam dog food makers to task for making scam dog foods. They also launch a radical new campaign designed to end conversations they don't want to participate in; usher in a new age of cyber skeletons for those in need; put a stop to the miserable toil of "doing stuff," and a number of other policy goals.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and

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1:09:07

All Women (Plus Tony)

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/03/10

LB, Niki, John, Jack and Dianne all convene at the local Tastee-Freez to suck on some chili dogs and talk shop, which this week includes John's trade to the Lakers, Niki's new state of being, Steve's last iPod, interchangeable company names, pivoting to PETA, The Wiggles™, trying to meet Wolfgang Puck in 2025, and honestly dude, so much more that I don't want to spoil it.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world

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1:10:57

You’re a Wild Rebel Sexy Hot Adult Woman

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/03/03

John, LB and Niki peruse the menu of life and choose a number of appetizing topics to sate their hunger for discussion, including LB's new towels, hanging out with BTS, another installment of Scam Text Theater, the complete plot of The Substance (so spoiler warning obvs), if Aaron Sorkin wrote Dawson's Creek, our definitive ranking of the Barenaked Ladies, more drug physics, and y'all? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and

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1:12:59

The No Clean List

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/02/24

Niki, LB and John waste no time this week, immediately casting aside pretense and delving straight into a number of pertinent and pressing topics, including "what if Tylenol goes woke," two new kinds of hyper-localized lottery, the specific kind of Weird™ that people get about celebrities like Natalie Portman and Milana Vayntrub, the details of our upcoming Super Bowl commercial, the return of Scam Text Theater (!!), secrets of the human tooth, and yes, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're

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1:00:35

This Machine Knocks Big Glasses of Water Over

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/02/17

It's Valentine's Day (when we're recording, at least), so obviously LB, Niki and John have to talk about hallway shoes, the "prison walrus trap," an upsetting development concerning LB's enormous glass of iced water, Chucky, the ongoing popularity of Furby-brand toys, dating a ghost, animal genetics and, as a special treat, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our

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1:08:17

shoes.help

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/02/10

John, LB (congratulations LB!) and Niki strap on their ballerina fetish heels and dance around a number of pressing topics, including if the ear is a hole, household expiration dates, denim jeans, LB's new fruit, how hard it may or may not be to "change red to blue, in genetics," counting your apples before they hatch, the inevitable Paul brothers turn to Christianity, and y'all? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and

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1:07:09

Signs of Depression in My Chicken???

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2025/02/03

Each suffering from their own unique set of cosmic ailments, and yet somehow still undeterred from their podcasting duties, Niki, John and LB crack open a cold one and talk turkey (or rather, chickens) for their weekly get-together, which you're all invited to! Topics of discussion during this salon include (but are not limited to) building a tower to get around Los Angeles zoning regulations, the plot of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (sort of), the fuckin' pizza that's cold with no cheese

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