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PODCAST

Playing With Fire

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

society & culture relationships

All Episodes

00:54:16

208 Relationship Anarchy: Tailor-Making ALL Your...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/06/14

Relationship structures don't have to follow a script. Whether you're monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between, you can intentionally design all your relationships to fit exactly who's in them. But what does that actually look like in practice?In this episode, we welcome Annie Undone, a non-binary queer writer whose journey through various relationship styles offers powerful insights into relating. Annie shares their evolution from monogamy to polyamory to relationship anarchy,

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00:34:03

207 Turning Goals into Self-Agreements

Playing With Fire ·

2025/06/07

If you’ve been a PWF listener for a while, you know that we love self-agreements. Creating self-agreements based on your goals may sound like a simple process, but we find that some big questions often come up along the way.To answer this week’s listener question, we’re diving deep into value and accountability systems, and we’re giving you practical exercises you can use to uncover your desires and create agreements that actually work for you instead of against you.In this episode, we talk about:—

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00:37:59

206 The Grief of Jealousy

Playing With Fire ·

2025/05/31

Jealousy and grief are deeply intertwined emotions. When we experience jealousy, we're experiencing a form of loss—whether it's the loss of attention, time, or even an imagined future–and often grief is hiding just beneath the surface of these experiences. Understanding this connection can help us navigate the complex emotional landscape of non-monogamy with more compassion for ourselves and our partners.In this episode, we talk about:— The concept of "ambiguous grief" and how it

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00:42:39

205 Hierarchy or Priority?

Playing With Fire ·

2025/05/24

Hierarchy in non-monogamous relationships can be one of the most divisive topics in our community. Some people proudly claim they want a hierarchy in their relationships, while others see the word as an immediate red flag. But what's really going on beneath the surface? What are we actually trying to communicate when we talk about relationship hierarchies?In this episode, we dive deep into the nuances of hierarchy, exploring not just what the word means, but what people are truly seeking when

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00:33:07

204 Liminality: Your Key to Relationship Paradigm...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/05/17

When we step out of one relationship paradigm, phase, or stage and into another, we often find ourselves in a strange, uncomfortable space—neither here nor there. This space has a name: liminality. From the Latin word "limen" meaning threshold, liminality describes that crucial period between what was and what will be. It's not just a moment of crossing over; it's an extended time of uncertainty, possibility, and transformation.Liminality exists in all facets of life, but for those

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00:43:39

203 Money & Non-monogamy: Skip This Episode at Your...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/05/10

When we open our relationships, we often focus on creating boundaries and agreements around emotions, time, and sex. But there's another crucial element that frequently gets overlooked (until it becomes a problem): money. How we handle finances in our relationships can reveal deep-seated values, trigger old wounds, and create unexpected power dynamics—especially when we start dating outside our established partnerships.The financial aspects of non-monogamy touch on some of our most vulnerable

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00:38:09

202 How do we maintain the relationship renaissance...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/05/03

Many of us experience a relationship renaissance when we first open up. There's a delicious new energy, deeper conversations, rekindled passion, and a sense that we're seeing our partners (and ourselves) in entirely new dimensions. It feels amazing, and naturally, we want to hold onto that feeling forever!But what are we supposed to do when that initial excitement starts to fade?Maintaining this renaissance isn't about freezing that initial excitement in amber. It's about understanding what's really

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00:37:02

201 Lots of fish in the sea, how do I find mine?

Playing With Fire ·

2025/04/26

We’ve made a ton of episodes about how to work on relationships once you’re in them. But we also often get asked… how do I actually find good matches while dating??It’s not always as easy as making an online dating profile and seeing how it goes. We often focus so much on what we want in a partner that we forget to ask ourselves what we’re actually available to offer. If you’re struggling with dating, we’re gonna help you get clear on your availability and bottom-line requirements, which just might

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00:32:16

200 Episodes Strong: What We've Learned About Love,...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/04/19

Reaching 200 episodes of any podcast is a milestone worth celebrating. But when you're recording with your spouse while simultaneously building a business together? That's a whole different level of achievement.In this special anniversary episode, we pull back the curtain on what it's like to navigate the complex terrain of intimate partnership while also being public-facing business collaborators. Our journey hasn't always been smooth—in fact, there were times when working together nearly broke us

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00:39:47

199 Why Verbal Agreements Suck (And Why We Still Use...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/04/12

We make verbal agreements with others every day. This can look like something simple—“I’ll bring you a cup of tea”—or like bigger, more complex relationship commitments. But when these agreements live only in our (fallible!) memories, they become vulnerable to misinterpretation, forgetfulness, and even unconscious manipulation.Writing down every single agreement you make isn’t practical (or necessary), but understanding when to put pen to paper can be the difference between relationship harmony and

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00:37:43

198 Why does jealousy freak out the nervous system?

Playing With Fire ·

2025/04/05

Ok, so you’re working on nervous system regulation, and you’re working on jealousy. But why is it that the feeling of jealousy can just totally freak out our nervous systems?? In this episode, we’re answering this and other questions about jealousy, panic, and somatics.When jealousy triggers that primal panic in our bodies, it can feel like your world is ending. But we’re not powerless against. There are some practical ways to navigate these intense emotions without letting them derail your

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00:39:50

197 I Want What They’ve Got: Feeling Envy Towards...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/03/29

Envy in relationships can be sneaky. It often hides behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment, making it hard to recognize—even when we're actively looking for it!When we feel envious of our partners, it creates a unique kind of tension. Unlike envying a metamour or someone outside your relationship, partner envy touches on deeper questions about fairness, comparison, and what we truly want. It can be particularly challenging because admitting envy means acknowledging something

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00:32:22

196 Envy: How to Use It and How to Lose It

Playing With Fire ·

2025/03/22

Let's be honest—most of us really don’t want to talk about envy. It's uncomfortable, it feels icky, and it brings up all sorts of emotions we'd rather not face. You know we love to talk about jealousy, but understanding envy, especially how it differs from jealousy, can also be incredibly valuable for relational and personal growth.In this episode, we talk about:— The difference between envy and jealousy, and why we often conflate them— How envy involves comparing ourselves to others and

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00:43:48

195 Help, I’ve Struck Gold: Handling NRE in Two...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/03/15

New Relationship Energy (NRE) can make everything feel like a shiny object. We get it, we love that feeling too! If you’re practicing non-monogamy, you might actually find yourself feeling NRE in multiple places. We made this episode in response to a listener question—what do I do with all these feelings and expectations? How do I prepare for when this chemical cocktail starts to fade?Even though it’s really exciting, this noisy emotional environment requires thoughtful navigation to maintain

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00:46:05

194 Reimagining Relationships

Playing With Fire ·

2025/03/08

When something isn't working, even if you’ve been practicing non-monogamy for a long time, it’s really easy to default into the monogamous paradigm, which offers only a few set options. But what if there was another way?Reimagining a relationship means creating something new. It's different from de-escalation (which implies undoing a path you've taken) or uncoupling (which implies ending). Instead, reimagining opens space to explore what your relationship could become if you moved beyond

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00:43:00

193 Beyond Good Intentions: Building True Integrity...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/03/01

What does it really mean to live and love with integrity? How can we stay in integrity while navigating multiple relationships, agreements, needs, and wants that aren’t always in alignment??The reality is that living in integrity, especially when you’re in multiple non-monogamous relationships, requires awareness, honest self-reflection, and sometimes making difficult choices. That may sound overwhelming, but this episode will help you learn how to create a solid foundation of the skills and habits

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00:51:26

192 [Replay] What would you do with your full power?...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/02/22

What if you could get to know your power intimately, and so get to know your whole self? What if you could use your story to have the life, pleasure, and relationships you want? Check out our chat with the incomparable Mollena Williams-Haas, Kink Doula, writer, performer, and podcast host. Listen to her share some of her story of power exchange and authenticity with you.⁠Click here for the Kink Doula⁠ - Sign up for Mollena's mailing list - there's a free class available when you sign up. ⁠Click

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00:57:21

191 [Replay] Turn your Toxic Attractions into...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/02/15

What if you didn’t have to cut yourself off from your own toxic attractions? Sounds ridiculous, right? I MUST have to go cold turkey on my romanticization of a**hole behavior. But what if exploring them took your personal growth journey to the next level?In this episode, we’re diving deep into why that kinky stuff is so yummy, and what you can do to leverage your toxic romanticizations into growth + fun. We’re joined by Sunny Megatron, a sex, kink, and BDSM educator and media personality, and we

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00:45:40

190 [Replay] Shadow work: What if your monsters were...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/02/08

If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process? Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do. Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? It happens, and

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00:43:01

189 [Replay] Can my attachment style do non-monogamy?

Playing With Fire ·

2025/02/01

Attachment theory has been all the rage recently, and hey, we get it - it’s a super helpful tool that comes up a lot in our work! But we’ve also been noticing some common pitfalls that are easy to stumble into while exploring the world of attachment styles. Labels like anxious, avoidant, or disorganized can feel quite restrictive, especially when people start to assume them as an identity.Here’s the thing: you are a whole, complex, multifaceted person, and every relationship you have is going to be

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