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PODCAST

Playing With Fire

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

society & culture relationships

All Episodes

00:41:22

235 I Think I'm Polyamorous, But I'm in a Monogamous...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/12/20

Discovering your polyamorous identity while in a long-term monogamous relationship can feel both liberating and terrifying. It's a moment of personal truth that can shake the foundations of your partnership—and that's exactly why it deserves careful, thoughtful consideration.When you realize something fundamental about yourself has shifted (or perhaps was always there but unnamed), it's natural to want to share this with your partner. But how do you navigate this conversation without

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00:39:37

234 How to Figure Out What You Want (And Why It’s So...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/12/13

There’s one really important prerequisite for a whole lot of juicy relational goodness… but it sounds deceptively simple… figuring out what you want. Whether it's day-to-day preferences or deeper desires, knowing what we truly want helps us make authentic agreements with ourselves and others. So why is this process so difficult for many of us?In this episode, we’re exploring the psychology behind identifying our true desires, the obstacles that get in our way, and practical strategies for

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00:33:17

233 The Case for ‘Boring’ Polyamory

Playing With Fire ·

2025/12/06

When we're in the thick of navigating non-monogamy, especially in the early stages, it can feel like an endless emotional workout. The jealousy, the NRE highs and lows, the constant communication—it's a lot! Many people wonder if it will ever get easier or if this constant state of emotional processing is just what non-monogamy is all about.The good news? It absolutely can become more easeful! In this episode, we explore what "boring polyamory" might look like and why it might actually be a good fit

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00:40:54

232 How to Keep Going When Non-Monogamy Feels Too Hard

Playing With Fire ·

2025/11/29

Feeling exhausted by non-monogamy? You're not alone! Even when we know why we chose this path, the day-to-day reality can sometimes feel overwhelming. But before you throw in the towel, let's explore what's really happening when non-monogamy feels like "too much" – and what you can do about it.Whether you're new to non-monogamy or have been practicing for years, we all hit points where we question if the effort is worth it. The good news? There are concrete strategies you

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00:36:19

231 The Holiday Survival Guide for Polyamorous People

Playing With Fire ·

2025/11/22

Holidays can be a joy-filled time, but they can also become incredibly complicated when you're navigating non-monogamous relationships. How do you balance time between partners, metamours, family members who might not know about your relationship structure, and children who just want to have fun? The stress can quickly overshadow the joy you're hoping to experience.We've been there! That first holiday season after opening up can feel overwhelming as you try to figure out how to integrate

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00:46:06

230 Can Trauma Survivors Do Non-Monogamy?

Playing With Fire ·

2025/11/15

Many people wonder if their trauma history means they can't successfully navigate the complex emotional terrain that comes with open relationships. When we step away from default monogamy into consciously chosen relationship structures, our nervous systems can get activated. This may be especially challenging for trauma survivors, whose systems are often already primed for hypervigilance.The truth? It's absolutely possible, but it requires intentionality, support, patience, and

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00:38:55

229 Shadow Work in Relationships: What We Keep From...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/11/08

Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of moving from fragmented realities to integrated selfhood.Many of us have experienced moments where something

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00:47:26

228 “I Only Get the Hard Parts”: Living with...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/11/01

Ever feel like your journey into non-monogamy is all about hard work? You're not alone. Many people reach a point where they wonder if all the emotional regulation, self-reflection, and relationship meetings are worth it. This feeling is incredibly common, whether you initiated opening your relationship or not.We've both been there. The reality is that unpacking our assumptions about relationships takes significant emotional energy, especially when regular life continues demanding our

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00:46:05

227 Transforming Shame into Love with Jessica Fern...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/10/25

We all carry shame—it's part of the human experience. But what if there was a way to transform that shame into something more nurturing and supportive? In this episode, we welcome back Jessica Fern and David Cooley to discuss their groundbreaking new book, Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work. Jessica describes this as her most important book yet!This isn't just another relationship book—it's a practical guide to understanding and transforming the internal

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00:39:51

226 The Secret Sauce of Happy Non-Monogamy: Exquisite...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/10/18

We all experience transitions in our relationships. And, they can actually be even more frequent in non-monogamous relationships, like when our attention shifts from one partner to another, when we leave for a date, or when we return home. These seemingly small shifts in energy and attention can create surprising friction, even in the healthiest dynamics.A ton of us could use extra support around these issues. In fact, transition management is the topic that results in the most emergency sessions

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00:36:24

225 Fears, Hopes, and Aftercare: Preparing for...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/10/11

Navigating shared spaces as a polycule can feel like stepping into uncharted territory. Whether you're attending a community event, family gathering, or social outing with multiple partners, the absence of cultural scripts can leave us feeling uncertain and vulnerable. Many of us struggle with questions like: How do we introduce each other? What level of affection is appropriate? What happens if we run into unexpected people?These concerns are completely normal when venturing beyond the default

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00:54:33

224 Relationship Anarchy with Dr. Nicole Thompson

Playing With Fire ·

2025/10/04

Most of us have been conditioned to follow relationship "escalators," those predetermined paths that dictate how our connections should progress. But what happens when we step off these escalators and design our relationships according to our own values? What if we could move beyond hierarchical thinking and embrace a more expansive view of love and connection?Enter, relationship anarchy, and Dr. Nicole Thompson, who’s joining us to explore this fascinating path to more intentional, authentic

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00:50:53

223 Recovering From Purity Culture with Lauren Elise...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/09/27

Purity culture can often shape our sexuality in ways we don't even realize. Whether you grew up deeply immersed in it or just caught the edges, cultural messages about sexual "purity" impact how we view ourselves, our bodies, and our relationships. But what happens when we start questioning these teachings? How do we reclaim our sexuality and pleasure after being told our bodies belong to someone else?Lauren Elise Rogers joins us to share her powerful journey from purity culture

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00:42:33

222 The Greater the Tension, the Greater the...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/09/20

Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth.In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "the tension of opposites" and how it applies to non-monogamy. Rather than seeing these inner

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00:37:07

221 The Art of Reassurance: Relating Through Doubt...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/09/13

When we're feeling insecure in our relationships (especially during transitions like opening up, navigating new relationship dynamics, or major life changes), we often seek reassurance from our partners. But what does effective reassurance actually look like? How can we offer it authentically without trying to "fix" our partners' feelings? And how do we navigate the complex interplay between reassurance, reciprocity, and fairness?Reassurance in relationships isn't a

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00:31:11

220 How to Finally Hear Each Other: Low vs. High...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/09/06

Communication is the foundation of all relationships. But what happens when we're speaking different languages without even realizing it? Often the result is confusion, frustration, and feeling misunderstood.Enter, the fascinating world of high context and low context communication styles. This framework can transform how you understand relationship patterns and help you traverse the complex terrain of negotiated relationships.In this episode, we talk about:— The difference between high context

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00:54:58

219 A Patient Path into Non-Monogamy with Laura & Bill

Playing With Fire ·

2025/08/30

Many of us hear stories about couples who dive headfirst into non-monogamy without preparation (what I call the "jumping out of the airplane without a parachute" approach). But after 33 years of marriage, Bill and Laura decided to explore non-monogamy through a gradual, education-centered path.They’re joining us to share their experience with this slow and steady approach, which demonstrates the value of taking time to learn, process, and grow together before making significant changes to

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00:43:44

218 What will opening up do to us?

Playing With Fire ·

2025/08/23

When couples consider opening their relationships, one of the most common questions that comes up is: "What will happen to us?" This fear makes perfect sense—you've built something special together, and the prospect of change can feel threatening to the relationship you've carefully cultivated.This question comes from a place of caring deeply about your connection, but it also reveals something important about how we conceptualize relationships in our culture. Many of us have been taught that

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00:15:13

217 Jealous right now? Listen to this.

Playing With Fire ·

2025/08/16

Jealousy can feel overwhelming, urgent, and all-consuming. It can make us want to act immediately—to confront, to check locations, to curl up and hide, or even to rage. But what if instead of rushing to "fix" the situation, we first learned to stay present with ourselves through the storm? This episode is designed for you to use in real time, in the moments that jealousy hits. We’re offering a guided meditation and practical tips for those times when jealousy feels too big to handle.In

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00:44:13

216 Helping Your Partner Through an Intense Moment of...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/08/09

Jealousy happens—even to this jealousy expert! But when your partner is experiencing jealousy, it can feel overwhelming and confusing. Without the right tools, it can quickly spiral into disconnection, shame, or control dynamics that damage the relationship. But is it possible to respond without abandoning yourself or falling into problematic patterns?The truth is, you can help your partner through a moment of jealousy–as long as you have the right tools. And in this episode, we’re giving them to

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