Playing With Fire

00:38:55

260 ‘I feel seen… but not by you’ – Metamours,...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/10/10

Have you ever wondered what your partner looks like through someone else's eyes? It's a question that can bring up a swirl of emotions—curiosity, insecurity, excitement, maybe even panic. But what if that willingness to wonder is actually one of the keys to navigating jealousy and building deeper, more differentiated relationships?This episode dives into the beautiful, messy reality of watching our partners be seen in new ways. We explore how the presence of others (metamours, new partners,

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00:55:03

259 Getting Unstuck: How a Frozen Imagination Blocks...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/10/03

What if the thing that’s really stopping you from changing your relationships isn’t a lack of motivation or willpower, but a frozen imagination? We all hold internal representations of ourselves, our partners, and our relationships in our minds. This isn’t a bad thing. But when those images remain static, we stop seeing how things actually are and starting interacting with their outdated versions. This prevents us, our partners, and our relationships from accessing aliveness, creative potential, and

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00:32:41

258 Patterns of Harm Need Patterns of Repair:...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/09/26

Ever feel like you're having the same conversation about the same hurt over and over again? Yeah, we’ve been there. And the surprising thing is… that's not necessarily a problem.We just did an episode on conflict and how it can actually deepen intimacy (wild, right?). But during that conversation, something came up that deserves its own deep dive: closure. What even is closure? When does repair actually end? And why do some of us need to revisit the same hurts multiple times while others

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00:51:11

257 Conflict as Growth: Deepening Intimacy through...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/09/19

When we see conflict as a red flag, we pave the way for dishonest ‘peace,’ people pleasing (where no one is actually pleased at all), and emotional walls that try to protect us but end up leaving us isolated and disconnected.The truth is that conflict is not inherently a sign that something is going wrong in the relationship. In fact, generative conflict is the pathway to deeper connection and growth. This conversation gets real about the extremes of dysfunctional conflict (cheap peace and violent

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00:48:43

256 Leaving High-Demand Religion and Exploring...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/09/12

Leaving high-demand religion isn't just about changing your Sunday morning schedule. It’s about deconstructing a belief system that touches everything in your life. And when you start pulling on this thread, you might find yourself questioning monogamous norms too. These processes can open you up to a wealth of opportunities, but they can also bring a whole lot of uncertainty online. That’s why we're thrilled to bring you this conversation with Natasha Helfer, an AASECT-certified sex

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00:49:13

255 When should we start making agreements in NEW...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/09/05

Here’s a question we get a lot – at what point in a new relationship should you start making agreements? The answer might surprise you: you already are. From the moment you decide where to meet for a first date, you're making agreements. But most of us are worried about being ‘too much’ or making a fuss, so we walk around with unspoken expectations, trying to be ‘cool’ and ‘chill,’ hoping everything will just magically work out.Agreements might seem like a vibe-killer, but in reality, the fear

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01:04:49

254 How to Figure Out What You Want and Need: An...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/08/29

Figuring out what your wants and needs might sound simple, but it’s often… really not.To help you navigate this question, we’re bringing you a super special episode in a never-before-seen (and possibly never to be seen again!) format. This episode is excerpted from a community call inside The Year Of Opening®, our private community for people who are on the path of individuation and de-centering monogamy. Wants and needs was a highly requested topic, and the resulting call was truly special

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00:43:11

253 The Shadow of Compersion

Playing With Fire ·

2026/08/15

Compersion – feeling joy for another person’s joy – is a beautiful thing, especially when it comes to non-monogamy. But, like anything that’s bright and shiny, there’s a shadow side to compersion, and we’ve seen it become a stumbling block in non-monogamous relationships time and time again.When we elevate compersion as a virtue in polyamory, we accidentally create some real problems. Surprisingly, the shadow of compersion isn't about jealousy at all—it's about the pressure, the performance,

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01:15:04

252 Triad Life in a World of Couples with Margo, Jody...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/08/01

Relationships are messy, and when you re-imagine life with three instead of two, well, let's just say the complexity multiplies in ways you might not expect, even if you've been practicing non-monogamy for decades. So what does it actually take to build a throuple that both honors each person's individuality and creates a beautiful togetherness? And how do you navigate that when each person brings their own neurodivergence, relationship history, and vision of what love should look

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00:48:49

251 Trailblazing vs Following: The Hidden Dynamic...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/07/18

When a couple opens their relationship, there’s almost always one partner who tends to take more initiative – to seek out information, read all the books, listen to podcasts, find a poly-aware therapist, initiate important conversations (the list goes on!). This is not necessarily a problem, but it is a dynamic we see all the time, and when it goes unrecognized, unnamed, and unacknowledged, resentment, guilt, and envy can start to build up.We call this the ‘trailblazer and follower,’ and if it feels

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02:24:35

250 Relationship Re‑Imagination: The Framework

Playing With Fire ·

2026/07/04

To celebrate hitting 250 episodes of Playing With Fire, we’re diving deep into something we've been asked about constantly since our first episode on it over a year ago: Relationship Re-Imagination.We introduced this concept back in episode 194, and the response was immediate and intense; people wanted steps, phases, a roadmap—something they could follow to Re-Imagine their relationships. But this is not a linear process you can follow off a checklist. This is soul-making work. It's the kind

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00:51:52

[Replay] 194 Re-Imagining Relationships

Playing With Fire ·

2026/06/27

When something isn't working, even if you’ve been practicing non-monogamy for a long time, it’s really easy to default into the monogamous paradigm, which offers only a few set options. But what if there was another way?Reimagining a relationship means creating something new. It's different from de-escalation (which implies undoing a path you've taken) or uncoupling (which implies ending). Instead, reimagining opens space to explore what your relationship could become if you moved beyond your

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00:48:47

249 Is Your Non‑Monogamy Actually Just Two Monogamies?

Playing With Fire ·

2026/06/20

So you made the transition to non-monogamy… but you ended up feeling like you’re living two separate parallel lives in different relationships. This might not seem like that big a deal from the outside, but in many cases, having a siloed relational life can cause profound suffering.This isn’t just about having different relationships with different people (that’s normal and healthy, whether you’re monogamous or not!). It’s about psychological fragmentation that can lead to broken commitments, memory

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00:44:33

248 Beyond People-Pleasing: Practicing Healthy...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/06/13

People pleasing is not an effective strategy on the path to healthy, conscious relating. But adopting an approach towards autonomy that amounts to ‘I don’t owe anyone anything’ is…not it either. These extremes were adaptive patterns; they helped us survive difficult childhoods, but they don’t help us much as adults.True autonomy, when you really understand it and put it into practice, will strengthen your relationship, deepen your connection, and allow you to experience a new level of freedom. And

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00:42:17

247 Non-Monogamy, Mono-Mind: The Invisible Scripts...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/06/06

Chances are, if you know one thing about conscious relating, it’s that communication is key. And if you’re good at communicating in monogamous relationships, you might think that those skills will easily transfer to polyamory. But even when you’re doing non-monogamy, there’s often a set of invisible monogamous scripts making things a lot harder without you even realizing it.This isn’t easy to spot, let alone navigate. When we leave monogamy, we leave behind all those default cultural scripts that

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00:52:40

246 We Opened up Too Fast. What Do We Do Now?

Playing With Fire ·

2026/05/30

The phrase "we opened up too fast" comes up a lot in the conversations we have with people who are transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy. But what does "too fast" even mean? And more importantly—too fast for whom?Here's the thing: once you've crossed certain thresholds in opening up, there's no going back to a state of unknowing. You can't unsee what you've seen or unknow what you've learned about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. This can feel scary, but it's also where some of

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00:41:21

245 Check-Ins That Actually Work

Playing With Fire ·

2026/05/23

Regular relationship check-ins might sound boring (maybe even like homework), but here's the thing: they're not just maintenance, they're the architecture that holds everything together. Most people either skip them entirely, do them inconsistently, or turn them into overwhelming marathon sessions that feel more like crisis management than connection. And if you’re only having check-ins when there’s a problem, you might be training your body to dread a foundational part of healthy

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00:51:36

244 But I Feel like I’m Gonna Die: What Happens When...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/05/16

You decided to practice conscious non-monogamous relating, so you made well-thought-out, enthusiastic relationship agreements that reflect your values. And THEN, your partner actually goes on that date. Panic sets in, and those agreements are no match for what feels like a threat to your very survival.We call this attachment panic, and it’s what happens when jealousy activates our pre-verbal, survival-level attachment system. It’s not just an uncomfortable experience–when unchecked, these feelings

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00:43:55

243 Making Decisions Together: Permission,...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/05/09

Ever wonder why you and your partner keep having the same frustrating conversations about decisions, even after you've gone through the agreement-making process? Us too! We've discovered that the real issue often isn't what you're deciding, it's that you've never actually talked about how you make decisions together.When we're crafting relationship agreements, most of us jump straight into the content—what's allowed, what's not, schedules, boundaries—without ever

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01:14:41

242 Betrayal Repair in Non-Monogamy

Playing With Fire ·

2026/05/02

Betrayal in non-monogamy can feel uniquely isolating. When you've already moved away from the traditional guardrails of monogamy—where exclusivity = safety and infidelity is the clear line of betrayal—what happens when trust is shattered? How do you even know what counts as betrayal when you don't have those conventional frameworks to lean on?This episode picks up where our (amazing!) conversation with Eve Rickert left off. We're moving beyond understanding betrayal to exploring what

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