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PODCAST

Playing With Fire

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

society & culture relationships

All Episodes

00:47:26

228 “I Only Get the Hard Parts”: Living with...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/11/01

Ever feel like your journey into non-monogamy is all about hard work? You're not alone. Many people reach a point where they wonder if all the emotional regulation, self-reflection, and relationship meetings are worth it. This feeling is incredibly common, whether you initiated opening your relationship or not.We've both been there. The reality is that unpacking our assumptions about relationships takes significant emotional energy, especially when regular life continues demanding our

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00:46:05

227 Transforming Shame into Love with Jessica Fern...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/10/25

We all carry shame—it's part of the human experience. But what if there was a way to transform that shame into something more nurturing and supportive? In this episode, we welcome back Jessica Fern and David Cooley to discuss their groundbreaking new book, Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work. Jessica describes this as her most important book yet!This isn't just another relationship book—it's a practical guide to understanding and transforming the internal

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00:39:51

226 The Secret Sauce of Happy Non-Monogamy: Exquisite...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/10/18

We all experience transitions in our relationships. And, they can actually be even more frequent in non-monogamous relationships, like when our attention shifts from one partner to another, when we leave for a date, or when we return home. These seemingly small shifts in energy and attention can create surprising friction, even in the healthiest dynamics.A ton of us could use extra support around these issues. In fact, transition management is the topic that results in the most emergency sessions

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00:36:24

225 Fears, Hopes, and Aftercare: Preparing for...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/10/11

Navigating shared spaces as a polycule can feel like stepping into uncharted territory. Whether you're attending a community event, family gathering, or social outing with multiple partners, the absence of cultural scripts can leave us feeling uncertain and vulnerable. Many of us struggle with questions like: How do we introduce each other? What level of affection is appropriate? What happens if we run into unexpected people?These concerns are completely normal when venturing beyond the default

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00:54:33

224 Relationship Anarchy with Dr. Nicole Thompson

Playing With Fire ·

2025/10/04

Most of us have been conditioned to follow relationship "escalators," those predetermined paths that dictate how our connections should progress. But what happens when we step off these escalators and design our relationships according to our own values? What if we could move beyond hierarchical thinking and embrace a more expansive view of love and connection?Enter, relationship anarchy, and Dr. Nicole Thompson, who’s joining us to explore this fascinating path to more intentional, authentic

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00:50:53

223 Recovering From Purity Culture with Lauren Elise...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/09/27

Purity culture can often shape our sexuality in ways we don't even realize. Whether you grew up deeply immersed in it or just caught the edges, cultural messages about sexual "purity" impact how we view ourselves, our bodies, and our relationships. But what happens when we start questioning these teachings? How do we reclaim our sexuality and pleasure after being told our bodies belong to someone else?Lauren Elise Rogers joins us to share her powerful journey from purity culture

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00:42:33

222 The Greater the Tension, the Greater the...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/09/20

Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth.In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "the tension of opposites" and how it applies to non-monogamy. Rather than seeing these inner

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00:37:07

221 The Art of Reassurance: Relating Through Doubt...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/09/13

When we're feeling insecure in our relationships (especially during transitions like opening up, navigating new relationship dynamics, or major life changes), we often seek reassurance from our partners. But what does effective reassurance actually look like? How can we offer it authentically without trying to "fix" our partners' feelings? And how do we navigate the complex interplay between reassurance, reciprocity, and fairness?Reassurance in relationships isn't a

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00:31:11

220 How to Finally Hear Each Other: Low vs. High...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/09/06

Communication is the foundation of all relationships. But what happens when we're speaking different languages without even realizing it? Often the result is confusion, frustration, and feeling misunderstood.Enter, the fascinating world of high context and low context communication styles. This framework can transform how you understand relationship patterns and help you traverse the complex terrain of negotiated relationships.In this episode, we talk about:— The difference between high context

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00:54:58

219 A Patient Path into Non-Monogamy with Laura & Bill

Playing With Fire ·

2025/08/30

Many of us hear stories about couples who dive headfirst into non-monogamy without preparation (what I call the "jumping out of the airplane without a parachute" approach). But after 33 years of marriage, Bill and Laura decided to explore non-monogamy through a gradual, education-centered path.They’re joining us to share their experience with this slow and steady approach, which demonstrates the value of taking time to learn, process, and grow together before making significant changes to

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00:43:44

218 What will opening up do to us?

Playing With Fire ·

2025/08/23

When couples consider opening their relationships, one of the most common questions that comes up is: "What will happen to us?" This fear makes perfect sense—you've built something special together, and the prospect of change can feel threatening to the relationship you've carefully cultivated.This question comes from a place of caring deeply about your connection, but it also reveals something important about how we conceptualize relationships in our culture. Many of us have been taught that

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00:15:13

217 Jealous right now? Listen to this.

Playing With Fire ·

2025/08/16

Jealousy can feel overwhelming, urgent, and all-consuming. It can make us want to act immediately—to confront, to check locations, to curl up and hide, or even to rage. But what if instead of rushing to "fix" the situation, we first learned to stay present with ourselves through the storm? This episode is designed for you to use in real time, in the moments that jealousy hits. We’re offering a guided meditation and practical tips for those times when jealousy feels too big to handle.In

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00:44:13

216 Helping Your Partner Through an Intense Moment of...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/08/09

Jealousy happens—even to this jealousy expert! But when your partner is experiencing jealousy, it can feel overwhelming and confusing. Without the right tools, it can quickly spiral into disconnection, shame, or control dynamics that damage the relationship. But is it possible to respond without abandoning yourself or falling into problematic patterns?The truth is, you can help your partner through a moment of jealousy–as long as you have the right tools. And in this episode, we’re giving them to

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00:54:32

215 Nurturing Established Relationship Energy

Playing With Fire ·

2025/08/02

When you've been together for years, it's easy to let your relationship run on autopilot. But what happens when you need to reconnect, especially after a difficult period? In this episode, we share our personal journey of creating an intentional retreat to nurture our established relationship after 18 months of significant changes and challenges.We believe that established relationships deserve just as much intentional care as new ones—maybe even more so! The routines and patterns that

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00:51:35

214 Defying Mononormativity with @Polyamarla

Playing With Fire ·

2025/07/26

When we step outside established relationship norms, we're not just changing our dating lives—we're challenging entire paradigms that shape how we see the world. In this episode, we welcome Marla Schreiber, author of the new book Non-Monogamy and Defying a Paradigm, to discuss what it truly means to question and move beyond mononormativity.Marla brings a fresh perspective as someone who's been practicing polyamory since 2005, when resources were scarce and community was hard to find

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00:54:03

213 Psychedelics and Non-Monogamy with Dr. Nicole...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/07/19

When we think about altered states of consciousness, we often focus on individual experiences. But what happens when we bring psychedelics into our relationships—especially non-monogamous ones? The potential for healing, connection, and transformation is immense, but so are the risks if we're not careful about our approach.In this episode, we're joined by Dr. Nicole Thompson, a queer, non-monogamous sex and relationship psychotherapist with training in psychedelic integration therapy. Nicole

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01:07:36

212 Repair Skills

Playing With Fire ·

2025/07/12

Relationship ruptures happen to everyone, but repair is a skill that most of us were never really taught. When connections break down between partners, friends, family members, or colleagues, many of us rely on time alone to heal the wounds. But time itself isn't a repair tool, and waiting for hurts to magically disappear often leads to relationships that heal incorrectly, like a broken bone that wasn't properly set.The good news? Effective repair is a learnable skillset that can transform your

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00:48:36

211 The Drama Triangle: How to Get Unstuck From Your...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/07/05

We all get caught in relationship drama from time to time. Whether it's with our partners, friends, family members, or even ourselves, these patterns can feel frustrating and difficult to escape. The good news? There are frameworks that can help us recognize when we're stuck in drama and practical tools we can use to shift into more empowering dynamics.In this episode, we dive into the Drama Triangle, a powerful model that helps us understand the roles we play in our relationship conflicts,

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00:27:21

210 Non-Monogamy Firsts: Managing Emotions When Your...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/06/28

When your partner experiences something for the first time with another person—whether it's a first date, first kiss, or first intimate encounter—it can trigger a complex mix of emotions. These "firsts" often carry significant meaning and can create unexpected emotional responses, even when you feel intellectually prepared for them.You might spend months discussing, planning, and considering what opening your relationship will look like, but when the moment actually arrives—when theory

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00:35:34

209 Transitioning from Swinging to Polyamory

Playing With Fire ·

2025/06/21

What actually changes when you go from swinging to polyamory? Is it just more dates—or a total shift in your emotional and relational world? We explore the real answers—plus the question no one wants to ask: “What if my partner doesn't want to go with me?”This transition is more than a change in labels—it’s a deep reconfiguration of your emotional bandwidth, time, priorities, and sense of self. It often begins with excitement but can stir unexpected grief as you let go of identities, imagined

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