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PODCAST

Playing With Fire

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.

society & culture relationships

All Episodes

00:45:29

[Replay] 105 Shadow Work: What if your monsters were...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/01/31

Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process?Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do.In this episode,

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00:45:29

[Replay] 164 I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with...

Playing With Fire ·

2026/01/24

A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on taking responsibility and changing what we can change in our lives. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. Those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control. All those tools and practices go out the window and it feels like the situation is just happening at

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00:55:08

239 Radical Relating with Mel Cassidy

Playing With Fire ·

2026/01/17

Radical relating isn't just about who you're dating—it's about dismantling systems of power and creating community. In this episode, we welcome Mel Cassidy, somatic relationship coach and author of "Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy."Mel shares their journey from blogger to coach to author, and how their work challenges the foundations of mono-normativity. We explore how white supremacy culture, colonization, and

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00:31:44

238 Thriving in Long-Distance Relationships

Playing With Fire ·

2026/01/10

Long-distance relationships can feel like a never-ending uphill climb. When there are miles between you and your partner, it's easy to fall into patterns that make connecting feel more like a chore than a choice. Whether you're separated by a two-hour drive or multiple time zones, the question eventually surfaces: "How do we keep going without it feeling like endless work?"We understand this struggle deeply. The fatigue that comes with maintaining connection across distance is real

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00:46:29

237 The Art & Practice of Shedding Mono-Normativity

Playing With Fire ·

2026/01/03

We live in a culture where monogamy isn't just presented as one way to have relationships—it's positioned as the only natural, healthy, and moral way to relate. This assumption runs so deep that most of us never even question it. But what happens when we start examining these unspoken rules that shape our relationships?Mono-normativity affects all of us, whether we're monogamous or not. Bringing these unconscious assumptions into the light can create more authentic, intentional

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00:58:23

236 Co-Creating Magnificent Sex

Playing With Fire ·

2025/12/27

What happens when two relationship experts who teach others about intimacy find themselves in an 18-month sexual drought? We recently emerged from what we affectionately call "the swamp"—a period where our once-vibrant sexual connection became strained, disconnected, and frankly disappointing. Despite having all the professional knowledge about creating great sex, we found ourselves stuck in patterns that weren't working, and the solutions weren't immediately obvious.It was a

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00:41:22

235 I Think I'm Polyamorous, But I'm in a Monogamous...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/12/20

Discovering your polyamorous identity while in a long-term monogamous relationship can feel both liberating and terrifying. It's a moment of personal truth that can shake the foundations of your partnership—and that's exactly why it deserves careful, thoughtful consideration.When you realize something fundamental about yourself has shifted (or perhaps was always there but unnamed), it's natural to want to share this with your partner. But how do you navigate this conversation without

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00:39:37

234 How to Figure Out What You Want (And Why It’s So...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/12/13

There’s one really important prerequisite for a whole lot of juicy relational goodness… but it sounds deceptively simple… figuring out what you want. Whether it's day-to-day preferences or deeper desires, knowing what we truly want helps us make authentic agreements with ourselves and others. So why is this process so difficult for many of us?In this episode, we’re exploring the psychology behind identifying our true desires, the obstacles that get in our way, and practical strategies for

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00:33:17

233 The Case for ‘Boring’ Polyamory

Playing With Fire ·

2025/12/06

When we're in the thick of navigating non-monogamy, especially in the early stages, it can feel like an endless emotional workout. The jealousy, the NRE highs and lows, the constant communication—it's a lot! Many people wonder if it will ever get easier or if this constant state of emotional processing is just what non-monogamy is all about.The good news? It absolutely can become more easeful! In this episode, we explore what "boring polyamory" might look like and why it might actually be a good fit

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00:40:54

232 How to Keep Going When Non-Monogamy Feels Too Hard

Playing With Fire ·

2025/11/29

Feeling exhausted by non-monogamy? You're not alone! Even when we know why we chose this path, the day-to-day reality can sometimes feel overwhelming. But before you throw in the towel, let's explore what's really happening when non-monogamy feels like "too much" – and what you can do about it.Whether you're new to non-monogamy or have been practicing for years, we all hit points where we question if the effort is worth it. The good news? There are concrete strategies you

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00:36:19

231 The Holiday Survival Guide for Polyamorous People

Playing With Fire ·

2025/11/22

Holidays can be a joy-filled time, but they can also become incredibly complicated when you're navigating non-monogamous relationships. How do you balance time between partners, metamours, family members who might not know about your relationship structure, and children who just want to have fun? The stress can quickly overshadow the joy you're hoping to experience.We've been there! That first holiday season after opening up can feel overwhelming as you try to figure out how to integrate

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00:46:06

230 Can Trauma Survivors Do Non-Monogamy?

Playing With Fire ·

2025/11/15

Many people wonder if their trauma history means they can't successfully navigate the complex emotional terrain that comes with open relationships. When we step away from default monogamy into consciously chosen relationship structures, our nervous systems can get activated. This may be especially challenging for trauma survivors, whose systems are often already primed for hypervigilance.The truth? It's absolutely possible, but it requires intentionality, support, patience, and

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00:38:55

229 Shadow Work in Relationships: What We Keep From...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/11/08

Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of moving from fragmented realities to integrated selfhood.Many of us have experienced moments where something

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00:47:26

228 “I Only Get the Hard Parts”: Living with...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/11/01

Ever feel like your journey into non-monogamy is all about hard work? You're not alone. Many people reach a point where they wonder if all the emotional regulation, self-reflection, and relationship meetings are worth it. This feeling is incredibly common, whether you initiated opening your relationship or not.We've both been there. The reality is that unpacking our assumptions about relationships takes significant emotional energy, especially when regular life continues demanding our

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00:46:05

227 Transforming Shame into Love with Jessica Fern...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/10/25

We all carry shame—it's part of the human experience. But what if there was a way to transform that shame into something more nurturing and supportive? In this episode, we welcome back Jessica Fern and David Cooley to discuss their groundbreaking new book, Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work. Jessica describes this as her most important book yet!This isn't just another relationship book—it's a practical guide to understanding and transforming the internal

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00:39:51

226 The Secret Sauce of Happy Non-Monogamy: Exquisite...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/10/18

We all experience transitions in our relationships. And, they can actually be even more frequent in non-monogamous relationships, like when our attention shifts from one partner to another, when we leave for a date, or when we return home. These seemingly small shifts in energy and attention can create surprising friction, even in the healthiest dynamics.A ton of us could use extra support around these issues. In fact, transition management is the topic that results in the most emergency sessions

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00:36:24

225 Fears, Hopes, and Aftercare: Preparing for...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/10/11

Navigating shared spaces as a polycule can feel like stepping into uncharted territory. Whether you're attending a community event, family gathering, or social outing with multiple partners, the absence of cultural scripts can leave us feeling uncertain and vulnerable. Many of us struggle with questions like: How do we introduce each other? What level of affection is appropriate? What happens if we run into unexpected people?These concerns are completely normal when venturing beyond the default

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00:54:33

224 Relationship Anarchy with Dr. Nicole Thompson

Playing With Fire ·

2025/10/04

Most of us have been conditioned to follow relationship "escalators," those predetermined paths that dictate how our connections should progress. But what happens when we step off these escalators and design our relationships according to our own values? What if we could move beyond hierarchical thinking and embrace a more expansive view of love and connection?Enter, relationship anarchy, and Dr. Nicole Thompson, who’s joining us to explore this fascinating path to more intentional, authentic

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00:50:53

223 Recovering From Purity Culture with Lauren Elise...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/09/27

Purity culture can often shape our sexuality in ways we don't even realize. Whether you grew up deeply immersed in it or just caught the edges, cultural messages about sexual "purity" impact how we view ourselves, our bodies, and our relationships. But what happens when we start questioning these teachings? How do we reclaim our sexuality and pleasure after being told our bodies belong to someone else?Lauren Elise Rogers joins us to share her powerful journey from purity culture

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00:42:33

222 The Greater the Tension, the Greater the...

Playing With Fire ·

2025/09/20

Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth.In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "the tension of opposites" and how it applies to non-monogamy. Rather than seeing these inner

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