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PODCAST

Umpire Pants

Are umpire pants the best pants ever? Mary says yes, her son Bill says no. They also argue about almost everything else.

comedy

All Episodes

00:36:16

Episode 227: You’re Confusing Your Dumbshit Kids

Umpire Pants ·

2022/01/11

***I found the SD card! Yes, me, Kelley, not my husband at all, it was me! Enjoy this now outdated episode, everyone.*** It’s episode 227 and we’re hoping you fondly remember the TV show, and it rubs off on our podcast. Bill is making fondue for New Year’s, but he’s resisting the idea of adding baked beans for some reason. Mary assumes we know what a corm is, and boy is she wrong. Mary loves to make wrapping paper, and to get mad at us for not appreciating it. Rest in peace to Betty White. (We

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01:02:01

Episode 226.1 Rerun AlerT (Episode 174: I’m With Bugs)

Umpire Pants ·

2022/01/05

HEY SO I LOST THE SD CARD THIS WEEK'S EP IS SAVED ON. I'M CONVINCED IT'S IN MY APARTMENT STILL, BUT I'M ALREADY A DAY LATE POSTING, SO ENJOY THIS RETRO EPISODE FROM ABOUT A YEAR AGO. XOXO - KELLEY The first day of winter was a doozy in the Seattle area. We remember a weird antique store with a creepy doll room. Getting lost driving. Mary is going to try Dry January. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The John Carpenter Movie They Live. Mary is setting up a hummingbird fight club, and thinks

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00:41:50

Episode 226: Re-Release-Best of - Pants Stance...

Umpire Pants ·

2021/12/27

It's the holidays, and we kind of just got off track this week, so you're getting a re-run, but don't fret, it's a good one! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! XOXOXO Well, we tried, we failed, we learned nothing along the way, and we are still mad at each other. Enjoy this weeks long journey through the pandemic, where Mary refuses to join the herd and wear comfortable pants, Kelley desperately tries to convince her, and Bill is just sort of amused by how it all plays out. Umpire Pants Out!

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00:37:09

Episode 225: Let’s Get into the Gritty Ditties

Umpire Pants ·

2021/12/21

Bill calls in for a short boy on a Sunday! Gathering with family as a new Covid variant emerges. Kelley and Mary are doing Christmas shit. The cats are in charge in our households. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Making Crunchwraps at home! Reviews of Cooking Recipes! But first, Bill reviews Casa Blanca, because Mary can’t find her review. We hear about a corn bread stuffing recipe, and how to deal with living in the PNW through the shitty weather. We saw a goat and it really made an impression.

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00:41:21

Episode 224: Do I have to Paint a Fence?

Umpire Pants ·

2021/12/13

It’s a late record, it’s a short boy, and we’re off to a great start. Bill and Mary can’t handle dirty dishes anymore. Do we need to do a welfare check on Jay Leno? We have a short chat about Christmas music, and Mary claims to know something about inflation. Bill reveals he was dying for Underoos as a kid. We’re all boosted up – get vaccinated folks! Kelley wants to brag about donating blood and it gets rambly. Mary has an elevator etiquette problem, and Kelley and Bill are not buying it, but

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01:02:32

Episode 223: They Porked Out of The Boat

Umpire Pants ·

2021/12/06

The gang’s back together, but Kelley didn’t hit record, like a dipshit, so we try to recap what we lost. The Arches of Science are giving us Kraken spoilers. We’re excited Impossible burgers are available at the new stadium! Mary wants you to stop the show and tell a friend to listen. Bill is going to distribute his famous Chocolate Pie recipe. Should we be recording all our kid’s performances? Kelley and Bill need to take a sibling trip to sort out family photos. Bill has a strange story of paying

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00:37:01

Episode 222: I’ve Never Met a Mayo I Didn’t Like

Umpire Pants ·

2021/11/28

Bill calls in from the Podcast Shed on this Black Friday record! We recap Thanksgiving and Bill has a forest creature pop in. How did our chocolate pie tradition start? What movies are we watching this weekend? CSI Miami talk. Sir Mix-a-Lot was at the Westlake tree lighting, but it was still pretty boring. We come back from the break without Bill and Kelley makes Mary defend her sweet potatoes from Thanksgiving. Mary tells a tale of trying to track down a guy on the street she feels like she owes

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00:28:11

Episode 221: Buying Shitty Polyester Fabrics and...

Umpire Pants ·

2021/11/23

Sorry for the late release, folks! We’re kicking off the holiday week with another short and sloppy boy! Non-listener Meaghan joins Kelley and fits right in with an Ernst reference before we even hit record. We chat about the Kraken theme song by Aaron Jones that gets played before games, and then discover the Mariners have an odd official theme, but it has nothing on the Orlando Magic’s song that is making a comeback. What did the Fly Girls wear, anyway? And why did Kelley assume everyone would

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00:41:19

Episode 220: My Husband’s a Dumbshit, He ate a Bunch...

Umpire Pants ·

2021/11/15

We come out slow and sloppy with an electricity joke. BLACK STALLION SPOILERS are a potential here, because Mary is getting the Black Stallion from the library, and has Nate Bargatze tickets coming up, so she’s got things to look forward to! What movies are better than the books they’re based on? Bill says Jaws and The Godfather. Mary regrets reading Lord of the Rings. Superman talk. Mary got more Rant and Raves in the paper and we see if we can figure out which one is hers. Mary is taking a

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00:56:21

Episode 219: I’m Gonna Make this Mask into Bunny Mask

Umpire Pants ·

2021/11/08

Surprise intro! Mary’s coming in hot, but in denial about it. We discuss Aaron Roger’s dipshit interview. Bill brags about reaching stuff off the top shelf for strangers, and Mary reminds us of her short-legged life hack for that very situation. Mary has adopted a street, but gets mad at us and barely finishes telling us about it. Bill confesses he has a gas leaf blower. Bill has some old guy musings regarding Snoop Dogg and Cheers. Halloween wrap-up. Mary brought the Seattle Joke book, and boy

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00:42:55

Episode 218: Let’s Get the VHS Tape from the Library

Umpire Pants ·

2021/11/01

The crew is all here, and Bill has a kerosene update. Bill went to a cabin and couldn’t figure out how to make coffee. We have a major update on a recent hint! We talk about shoes and clothes. Mary wants to know what we’d hoard, but we’re confused by her question. Trying unusual foods. Ice cream treats. The Gambler movie. Mary has taken up a new hobby – disc golf! Recipes from First Graders! Has Kelley ever made a cookie? Kelley’s Hint List! Use alcohol on mirrors. Test ammonia before using

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01:16:06

Episode 217: Halloween 2021

Umpire Pants ·

2021/10/25

It’s our spooky special Halloween episode! Kelley has a Halloween soundboard, so get ready for mis-timed spooky sounds! We talk about our favorite and least favorite Halloween candies, best costumes we’ve worn, and the last time we went trick-or-treating. Favorite scary movies. Mary’s childhood Texas Halloweens. Bill talks about some memorable Halloween parties. MARY MADE US REMOVE THE BREAK SONG - SORRY NUTBALLS. We return with our first “caller” listener Juniper! Juniper suggests a great

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00:33:59

Episode 216: I Got Away with It Again

Umpire Pants ·

2021/10/17

It’s a Kelley and Mary episode. Bill will be back next week, and we’re looking for Halloween callers, so let us know if you’re available! Mary’s had another run-in with super glue and we discuss solutions. King Kong Vs. Donkey Kong – Kelley got them confused for a moment. We get into people that Mary gets confused with other people. Buying pumpkin pies. Mary tried disc golf, and she has some practicing to do. Should we make this drink with sour cream from an old Wrigley’s advertisement? Kelley

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01:03:09

Episode 215-58: I Love Pumpkins to a Degree that is...

Umpire Pants ·

2021/10/12

Mary and Kelley will be back next week, and Bill will be back someday, but until then, enjoy this classic Halloween episode Ep! It's our Halloween episode, Bill got a sound board, Mary doesn't like Halloween, yo-yo routine scarecrow, Mary gets a phone call, turds, people not liking you, parties, bobbing for apples, costumes, Blues Brothers, gypsy (roma), wizard, princess, topical costumes, clown, food coloring face, candy, cat costume, pumpkins, we have a breakthrough, contest, Best of So Far,

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00:37:17

Episode 214: Someone’s Name is Clumpy

Umpire Pants ·

2021/10/05

We’re doing a short boy, and guys, we can’t help but bring Gumby right away. Bill found a five leaf clover. Mary hates everything, but a weed White Elephant is a good idea. Mary tried a new method to keep her cats off the counter. Mary pretends to not understand the concept of recycled fleece. We should bring back Redmond’s Heritage festival but make it a more inclusive cultural fesitval. Recipes from First Graders! Kelley’s Hint List!

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00:51:29

Episode 213: That Defrosts My Balls

Umpire Pants ·

2021/09/27

We’re back in person, and Bill is worse than ever. Best American rock band? I think we’re sticking with CCR. The Space Force revealed their uniforms. Mary thought she found a perfect watch, but it turns out it’s more corporate than she thought. More Jeopardy talk, the host saga continues. Mary is searching for new furniture and we’re all trying to de-clutter since we’re still at home all the time. Supply chain issues. What’s the republican end-game with infecting as many as possible with

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00:34:19

Episode 212: I Love a Big Zucchini

Umpire Pants ·

2021/09/20

Bill is out with TMJ issues, but his testicles are also HUGE. Our dad Russel is here to tell a story of how he “almost” got in a fight. Mary’s Shit List of the Week: Modern Family is no longer on nightly. Mary found a wallet. Remember how bad your feet hurt as a kid? Mary has a bagel story (the story is mostly that she mean to the bagel guy). Get your FLU SHOTS folks! Kelley is really into Giant Vegetable Twitter. Kelley and Mary argue about giant pumpkins. Kelley’s Hint List! We read a repeat:

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00:51:35

Episode 211: Dumby?

Umpire Pants ·

2021/09/12

We come in hot and sloppy with this remote recording! Mary’s edibles got ruined by humidity. Oh Word! We talk about misunderstandings resulting from figuring things out when you’re thrown into another culture. Bill went to Megadeath. Mary didn’t listen to our podcast even though she was on an airplane for 10 hours this week, so we’ll talk about the best American band next week. Mary is mad someone drank her beer. Tune in to find out Gumby’s Dad’s name. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Costco Milk

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00:47:24

Episode 210: Big Buffet is my Wrestling Name

Umpire Pants ·

2021/09/07

Mary is still in Costa Rica, but she’ll be back soon. Right off the bat, Kelley can’t pretend they aren’t recording two in a row. Do we even want to go to NFL games this year? Bill argues for CCR as the best American rock band, Kelley never put it together that Center Field was John Fogerty. Bill is going to Megadeath. Tell people when you like their stuff, and be quiet when you don’t. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Being nice to entertainers you like (and the show Lady Dynamite and Paul F.

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00:37:09

Episode 209: I’m making this for my Grandma, to...

Umpire Pants ·

2021/08/30

Kelley and Bill are together and Mary calls in for the second half. Bill wants more carved watermelons. The cat is fine days later, folks, but we do find out live on the air that Lima got a double dose of pills the day we recorded – and I was too lazy to edit it out! Bill goes to the doctor and gets typical doctor advice. Walking the dog. This is a Gumbo Podcast now. Kelley gets confused coming back from the break. Mary calls in from Costa Rica and it doesn’t sound great, but we do our best

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