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PODCAST

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

John Brandon, Jim Banks, Matthew Van Zandt, Vanessa

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they"re the fun kind of dumb, and that"s what counts.

leisure video games

All Episodes

01:36:02

Thief: The Dark Project Part 3 - This City Ain't Lost...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/02/03

Square Roots - Episode 449 Level Up Starts at 01:19:45 This time in the sneaky Looking Glass classic game Thief, Johnny, Jim and Matthew tackle some levels! Can you guess which ones are DLC and which were in the original release? Probably? There's a chunk of the city that was lost to a cataclysm, some colour coded mages towers, and a chunk of the city also lost to a cataclysm! Also: - Feet Pix Are Classy, Scat Pix Are Nasty - The Puzzle Is Water - A Matt Situation - Earth Towers Are Easy - Good

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01:45:00

Thief: The Dark Project Part 2 - A Little Moss Volcano

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/01/27

Square Roots - Episode 448 Level Up Starts at 01:24:20 We're all thieves, and sometimes thieves take their time and don't play to where they say they're going to. So we blasted through missions 4 through 6, which takes us through a fancy mansion, two fancy mansions connected by a sewer, and then a fancy but spooky mansion! Fortunately we make a new friend dripping with moss and friendly good intentions! What could PAWSIBLY go wrong?! Also: - Throw Mommy a Bone! - Vanessa Won't Laugh in Her Special

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02:13:43

Thief: The Dark Project Part 1 - Jim's Hole Sale Prices

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/01/20

Square Roots - Episode 447 Level Up Starts at 01:44:15 Now that Sea of Stars is over we can promise one thing: no more Garl puns. Now we're on to Thief: The Dark Project by Looking Glass Studios. Enjoy the intense 90s cutscenes! Revell in the developers voicing many side characters! Quiet down your steps with moss arrows! Explode some zombies with holy water! We all approach this early first person sneaker in different ways, so play along and get stealin'! Also: - Feed! That! Algorithm! - TOO

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02:22:11

Sea of Stars - Part 6: James Acaster Plays Leisure...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/01/13

Square Roots - Episode 446 Level Up Starts at 02:03:30! It's a wrap on Sea of Stars this chunker, and someone didn't finish! And it's not who you think! We go through the two endings, talk to some fish, meet a tiger man, and go through a gross castle full of goop and body parts. YEAH! Also: - Garl Interrupted - Garl's Just Want To Have Fun - Who's That Garl? - Garls On Film! - Never Met A Garl Like You Before - Garl, You'll Be A Warrior Cook Soon - Brown-Eyed Garl - California Garls This Week:

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02:23:09

Sea of Stars Part 5: Are You Gonna Be My Garl?

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2025/01/06

We are sure that the technical issue that caused the original second half of this episode to be lost won’t be noticed and the transition to the new recording will be seamless. Garl finds himself being the true hero of this game as he now has a near-death vision explaining what he needs to do before he dies. Level Up: 01:48:15 Also: * Squish Squish Squish * A Lot of Feet Talk * I Might Be The Threshold * Gary Busey in “Make Friends With The Devil” * Jim’s second most hated song, Zephyr * Chrono

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02:07:46

Sea of Stars - Part 4: A Sith Puzzle For Babies

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/12/30

Square Roots - Episode 444 Level Up Starts at 01:36:00! Finally, we return to the Sea of Stars and a lot of stuff happens in this chunker! There's gorilla kids! Elderly enslaved kids! You sail into a mouth! And you get a secret weapon that morphs solstice magic into a [REDACTED] attack! Also: - An Edgier Pac-Man - Don't You Dare Make Fun of Capitalism! - Matt Loves A Good Pear - Mattholics! - "It's Too Late For This One!" - Garl Is The Wheels of Sea of Stars - Vanessa's Personal Mouse War This

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01:11:45

Square Roots Christmas Gift Guide 2024

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/12/23

We decided to drop a special Christmas themed bonus episode for you this week! It's the Square Roots Christmas Gift Guide 2024!!! Join us as we discuss what presents we got for all your favorite RPG characters. We'll be back next week with our regularly scheduled Sea of Stars episode.

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02:34:49

Sea of Stars - Part 3: Bisects!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/12/16

Square Roots - Episode 443 Level Up Starts at 02:00:30! It's a Marvel's Captain America: Civil War on this podcast, as Matthew's Dreamatorium Podcast Within A Podcast is squaring off against Johnny's Dreamcast, a podcast within a podcast. But also we played more Sea of Stars! And we got to the big End of Act 1 twist! Gasp! Things change! Allegiences are challenged! A town with a terrible name has been created. Also: - Blue and Jinkos! - Real Magus fight vibes! - Obligatory Joey from Blossom

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02:58:56

Sea of Stars - Part 2: A Neck Romancer

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/12/09

Square Roots - Episode 442 Level Up Starts at 02:23:18 The adventure truly begins as Johnny joins forces with Matt, Jim and Vanessa to tackle the pressing question about Sea of Stars: What the hell is this Wheels game anyway? Also we meet some fourth wall breaking pirates and fight two separate necromancers. Also: - Garl is the Jimminy Cricket - Johnny Hates The Algorithm - Smeared With Working Designs - Jim Only Knows American Who's Line - A Fun Lil Zomboi - Stonheim Sam This Week: Playing

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02:19:49

Sea of Stars - Part 1: But Have You Seen A Whole Boob?

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/12/02

Square Roots - Episode 441 Level Up Starts At 01:50:15 On this celestial episode of Square Roots, Jim guides Vanessa and Matt through the opening of 2023's beloved throwback style RPG, Sea of Stars. That's right: Vanessa plays a pixel game like some kind of baby, and it doesn't make her feel better when the game just keeps on the baby-themes for the first half hour or so. But will these special babies birthed by a moon stork save the day, or will they need Garl and his big Ramus energy? Also: -

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01:37:48

Would You Eat This Bird? The 2024 Edition

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/11/25

Square Roots - American Thanksgiving Bonus On this Square Roots, we're going to learn how to say no to drugs when a 8 year old tries to give you free weed. Or how you'll deflate like a balloon on your couch. Wait, no, that's not what we do on this episode. On this episode we look at sixteen birds - 15 of which are from Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth so be aware of mild FF7 Rebirth spoilers. This Week: Enjoy a lovely game of Would You Eat This Bird?! Next Week: Meet the Elder Mist! Our Patreon:

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02:00:24

Dishonored Part 6: BAMF!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/11/18

Square Roots - Episode 440 Level Up Starts at 1:47:45! Today is all about silly funny fun. There's goofy fun adventures, and our bestest princess of light and good and low chaos allows an old man to continue to live tied to machines and under the control of his slightly mad nurse. She also helps an unconscious woman have her dream wedding with a corpse. ALL IN THE NAME OF GOOD! - Daud Puts the U into Dad - Splinter, Dead, Dura and Soft Cells - You Can't Get A Canal - The Truth Of The Dressmaker -

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02:31:36

Dishonored Part 5: Big Labia Energy

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/11/11

Dishonored Part 5: Big Lesbian Energy Square Roots Episode 439 This ep has a LOT of positive energy! We're all in a GREAT mood! Too much talk about labias Imperial Majesty Vanessa Hot Gay News! Johnny pulls a real life Mr. Bean and plays the wrong DLC EVERYTHING IS AWESOME This Week: Knife of Dunwall Next Week: Finish The Witches of Brigmore! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at:

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02:18:55

Dishonored Part 4: Is Harry Anderson An 80s Era Brian...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/11/04

Dishonored Part 4: Is Harry Anderson An 80s Era Brian David Gilbert? Square Roots - Episode 438 Level Up Starts at 1:55:00! Apologies to Italy, again. There are disparaging remarks made on whether Johnny did or did not finish Dishonored. These are all fabrications. Johnny has submitted video evidence to the Facegroup Group. He has the cheevos to prove it. These accusations are flagrant. They're idolatrous. And they are wrong. - Paul-i-tics - Laurie Metcalf for Mortal Kombat - Matt Is Lost in the

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02:38:04

Dishonored Part 3: Are You Going To Believe The...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/10/28

Square Roots - Episode 437 Level Up Starts at 2:01:33! Finally, we get to go to a party! And what a party it is. Lady Boyle sure had a blast in Jim's game. It was one hot party! Her outfit was straight fire! Jim shot her with incendiary bullets! Also Johnny and Vanessa do some ethical kidnapping, and Matthew is sad he didn't just kill all three sisters. Oh yeah, and we deal with the Lord Regent! - It's A Part in Canada! - Some Sisters Are Triplets! - Doxxxed! - Yeah But It's Webber... - YOU CAN

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02:30:40

Dishonored Part 2: There Are No Skirts Or Dresses In...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/10/21

Square Roots - Episode 436 Level Up Starts at 1:56:45! Don't worry if you tranq'd the dogs like Matt did, the dogs are fine! They were just asleep, and now they're at big farms in Tyria where the dogs can run and play! Such are the cruel realities of Dishonored, the Arkane Studios immersive funulator! - Lactaid is the PreP of the Dairy World - Let Me Solas Him - Vanessa Doesn't Like To Acknowledge The Passage of Time - There's A Scary in the Sewer - Are Ill People Zombies? - More Of A Johnny English

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02:56:20

Dishonored Part 1: Booby Trap

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/10/14

Square Roots - Episode 435 Level Up Starts at 2:44:00! Matthew defeated nature and survived another hurricane, and we start a new game! This time it's the classic RPG (?) Dishonored, one of those immersive sims. Or 0451 games. Whatever you want to call it! We don't follow the Five Foot Rule of murders, get into jail, get out of jail, navigate some sewers and then deal with the High Overseer! - Upgrade Your Rat Stats - Gen Z doesnt even know what Planescape Is - It's not the request log - Johnny's

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02:29:13

Tactics Ogre Part 7 - Slam In The Back of My Dorgalua

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/10/07

Square Roots - Episode 434 Level Up Starts at 2:07:45! I was thinking about making this episode description in the style of the Rob Zombie song, but that was too hard. Also? The lyrics are pretty weird. "Dead I am the rat, feast upon the cat, tender is the fur, dying as you purr"? Alright there Robert. BUT! On this chunker we finish Tactics Ogre! All of us! Surprisingly. Some of us are crowned king! Some of us go on exploring! Some of us get shot! There's a lot of options for endings here at Tactics

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01:26:14

Square Roots vs. Themselves!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/09/30

It's a hurricane ep! Matt needs a week off due to weather (coughfootballcough) so the Square Roots gang plays some games and chats about hot gaming news. We will be back next week for the end of Tactics Ogre! This Week: Hot nonsense! Next Week: Finish Tactics Ogre! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.bsky.social and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square

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01:42:08

Tactics Ogre: Reborn Part 6 - You Put The Party Dude...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/09/23

Square Roots - Episode 432 We're trying something new! Level up is at 01:21:00, so enjoy the quest log first and then dive into our good times of what we played, watched, or who we saw drop a pizza. Vanessa and Matthew fail at rescuing the princess, who is still a bit stabby. Will Johnny rescue her? Find out next episode because Johnny was about six fights behind. THIS IS A LONG GAME OKAY Also: - Talking About How Terrible The Game AI Is, And Also Adaptive Cruise Control And Other Automotive Safety

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