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PODCAST

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

Welcome to If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

comedy improv

All Episodes

1:23:27

You Love to See It

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/08/19

Hey folks! In case you missed it, new episodes now happen on Monday! Happy Monday! Also LB is trapped in space for a few weeks but that's not a permanent change, so don't worry. We've got a lot of fun guests to help out over the next couple weeks, including me, Jordan, the producer, who is on the show this week! I tend to make the show less funny with my sincerity but I think y'all will still have a good time with this one. :)Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating

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1:07:26

Dumb Sh*t My Grandson Loves

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/08/02

John, LB and Niki press onward despite a number of seemingly insurmountable challenges, including the return of Scam Text Theater (feat. Reginald Thimbleberry), getting a colonoscopy, jerking off with L. Ron Hubbard, distractingly large famous penises, official communique from the State Department, and against all odds, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer

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1:10:44

Good Doctor, Young Sheldon

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/07/26

Hi this is Jordan!! I wasn't around for the recording of this one and all LB said is "warnings for spoilers of Manhunter and idk what else," so you're on your own for this one folks! Hope it turns out okay! Thanks and sorry!Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a

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1:03:57

St. Homo's Private School

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/07/19

Niki, LB and John discuss the need for change in America's relationship with its own milquetoast national anthem, in addition to related topics, such as the price of Prozac, new innovations in scrotum technology, the Batman Returns iteration of Catwoman, being Johnest with each other, and predictably, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find

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1:13:17

How Old Is Walt Disney When He “Comes Out”

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/07/12

John, Niki and LB go the extra mile this week by proving evolution, showcasing their incredible psychic powers, taking the time to look at and think about breasts while live on a podcast, exposing the Coors nuclear waste controversy, making the world-first announcement of a new Shrek film, and if you can believe it, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer

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1:04:54

Y tu tennis también

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/07/05

Remember, remember the 5th of Julember ...(In this episode LB, Niki and John [all best friends] discuss where "it" goes "after butthole," the Ben Shapiro that escaped containment, the rules of being a ghost, Reba, the legitimacy of antibiotic warnings, the Cisco Groove, and reluctantly, somehow even more.)Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and

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1:01:20

Primitives by Kathy Box

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/06/28

LB, Niki and John crest the final apex of Gimmick Month, playing a brand-new game of Niki's design, pushing friendships to the limit and making us rethink everything we know about the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics. Other topics of discussion include (but are not limited to) Christian for-profit universities, Hootie & the Blowfish, sex ramps, tinned fish, and with our arms wide, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder

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58:13

Shronker (Second Annual White Off)

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/06/21

Gimmick Month continues with The Second Annual White Off, where we see which of our four contestants is the whitest. Once that's settled (the results will SHOCK YOU), Niki, LB and John also discuss serving cunt in the chicken line, whether curling "has balls," hanging out with Jenny Nicholson, whether you can "get one out of a dead guy," John's recent horrible hotel experience, and predictably, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty,

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1:14:13

Master Chief Beach Week

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/06/14

Gimmick month continues with our first-annual Master Chief Beach Week, the replacement holiday full of sand, sun and fun! Or that's what the copy says anyway, in practice it's mostly talk about the various ways that white people ruin the beach without even enjoying it themselves, in addition to various diversions concerning bumper stickers, scented markers, what a Halo even is actually, the names of various guys from Halo, and you can bet your little space pants, somehow even more.Welcome to If

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46:23

Meat the Plants

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/06/07

John, Niki and LB are all in the same place! Wowie zowie! That means an in-person recording, which also means the audio is a little roomier than usual, but the vibes are still just like you like 'em! Topics of discussion for this week include (but are not limited to) the world of dreams, emotionally insensitive burlesque performers, Dan Ryckert's upcoming zone scoop, True Detective Season 2, leaving a five-star review on a podcast called If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, and somehow, even

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1:17:14

How Much to Make the The Mask (1994) Mask Work

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/05/31

John, Niki and LB ascend the Gender Tower for an episode that's going to be just as much of a surprise for you as it is for me, because I haven't heard it yet! Also featuring a surprise visit from Former Chief Medical Advisor to the President of United States Anthony Fauci. Oh no!Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve

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58:55

The Shameful Crunching Bird

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/05/24

Teetering on the edge of oblivion, four friends (three regular and one frog) embark on a sacred journey of personal discovery. During their travels, the group discusses many topics of importance, including why Jon Bon Jovi cheated on his wife, what the white lady from TikTok is up to these days, the various slogans of Outback Steakhouse, which birds are/aren't birds, and demonstrably, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and

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1:07:31

Dwyane Wade’s Woke Cube

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/05/17

It's John. It's Niki. It's LB. It's all three of them, and they're here, being as smart and drunk as ever, talking about the things YOU care about most, including a brand-new legal system for punishments, the hairy teeter, the history of Atlantis, the long-awaited return of Scam Text Theater, notes for John's acting skills, tall buildings, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki,

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1:12:58

The Artist’s Dilemma

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/05/10

In what is perhaps our most cracked episode to date, LB, Niki and John struggle to overcome a well of extreme negative energy by playing jenga, inventing new uses for numbers stations, selling phone numbers for more ketamine, re-learning Flonase, answering a telemarketer call live on the podcast, and against all odds, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer

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1:11:05

Functionally Identical to One Another

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/05/03

With LB on a Hero's Journey through the bowels of Hell, John and Niki once again conscript Producer Jordan into the triumvirate of intellect that is If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes. Topics of discussion for this meeting include (but are not limited to) the contents of John's most recent stress dream, carbon monoxide poisoning, ape films, photos of odd occurrences that Jordan has experienced recently, a "real brief" explanation of the complete history of Transformers, and even without trying,

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1:09:32

Grandson

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/04/26

LB, Niki and John, having achieved unparalleled success as super-famous TikTok influencers, return to their humble podcasting roots for another round of important discussions, including (but not limited to) how much of acting is just demon possession, that Drew Carey tweet, white people music, discovering the source of 95% of the stress in LB's life, and dude, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying

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1:04:45

I Want to Give You $700

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/04/19

With John trapped in the 1990s, producer Jordan joins Niki and LB for the typical weekly slate of activities, which includes inventing new kinds of gambling, coming up with a new big titty anime lady-based form of financial investment, peeing into the little cup, Niki's new friend Juliette, and somehow ... even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find

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1:09:11

Ducks in the Hood

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/04/12

With Jordan back on the sticks, LB, John and Niki return to their regular work of discussing the most pressing issues facing today's Sleepy Americans, including the existential pain of being in the audience for bad comedy, the dire comments on our good TikToks, heroin as a venture investment, the good ol' days of file sharing, the best grass for where you live, Snoopy and how great he is, the American flag, and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about

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1:07:06

Demonstration of Licking, Eating, and Drinking

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/04/05

With Jordo away at a sensual conference for banjo frogs, the gang are actually pretty well-behaved. We talk about water bottles, the very worst songs we know, cereal, gifts for kids, and probably even more. I don't remember. Jordo usually writes these and knows what we talked about in the episode. Frankly I'm not sure. It's probably funny though. Hopefully.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB—

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1:08:43

I Want to Eat Metal

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/03/29

With Niki trapped in the labyrinthine tunnels beneath the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center, emergency reserve friend merritt k joins LB and John to discuss websites about eating metal, Bigfoot's dick, an interesting car LB spotted and its resulting bevy of secrets, who we would impersonate if we were to impersonate a celebrity, the secret to a successful marriage, sexy entertainment value, and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the

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