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PODCAST

Umpire Pants

Are umpire pants the best pants ever? Mary says yes, her son Bill says no. They also argue about almost everything else.

comedy

All Episodes

00:54:05

Episode 188: Which One of You Bitches is a Snitches?

Umpire Pants ·

2021/04/05

Did we start beef with Mr. Curtis James Jackson III? We’re pretty tired of wearing masks, but glad Bill doesn’t have to shave in the bathroom at work. Mary doesn’t think The Rock is handsome or charismatic! Mary tries to talk Bridgerton with people who don’t watch it. We talk way too long about a terrible dog grooming show. The Mariners Home Opener happened, and we remember an old classic from the team. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Another family member getting vaccinated and some hope for

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01:03:57

Episode 187: The Only Thing between Mom and Insanity...

Umpire Pants ·

2021/03/28

Bill is back from camping. RIP Borracchini's Bakery. Mary has donut troubles. Suburban pickup drivers. We get a barefoot jeans wearing stair update. Is our dad a natural at meditating? Check out Crime Travel Podcast! Mary got into some trouble with regular (not light) beer. We have a new Oh Word segment: Why are doctors called quacks? Kelley has a very specific Seattle gripe involving the Pike Place Market. We read some Recipes from First Graders! Kelley’s Hint List! Oil your vacuum ball bearings

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00:59:51

Episode 186: Aw Shit, it got Dark Out!

Umpire Pants ·

2021/03/21

Bill’s away man camping, but we have listener Juniper here! We get right into it with a Pants Stance: still not great! Sloth puns. Spring is here! Mary’s been out on the town since she’s fully vaccinated. Mary’s old hobby of getting mad at restaurants is back. Dive bars. Mary made a weird cake, and even she isn’t sure why, but she had an interesting trip to a specialty store. Goldfish Update! The return of Beat You to the Punchline! Juniper has a review of a mediocre horror movie. Reviews of

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01:01:37

Episode 185: The BOPIS Effect

Umpire Pants ·

2021/03/15

Bill is back! Kelley’s sound is up on her phone, but you can’t hear it so it doesn’t count! We have a weed store story. Bill talks about his liquid diet and self-oiling. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Styptic Pencils, try them instead of socks to stop the bleeding! Stair Update – not great. Pants Stance update, we’ve got a Pants Grant! There is no such thing as a free boat! We have an email from Herman! We discuss Kelley’s Dinners for Winners list and her preschool-ass meal. Umpire Pants Podcast’s

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00:36:04

Episode 184: I’ve Gotta Make Those Boys Some Muffins

Umpire Pants ·

2021/03/07

It’s a Mary and Kelley short boy today! Can Kelley do a Bill Clinton impression? Mary and Russ now how both vaccines! Mary bought a $15 shirt, but she still hates shopping. We get a good stair update. New month, new page from Mary’s Maxine calendar! We get a Pants Stance update – is Kelley’s quest to get Mary into some comfortable pants gaining any ground? Kelley has a Goldfish Plant update. Mary talks about that shitty pastor who thinks women should work on their looks to please their husbands

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00:58:22

Episode 183: Literally Yams

Umpire Pants ·

2021/02/28

We are off to a rough start, tech-wise, but don’t worry, we have two laptops die during the recording of this one and still managed to get through it. Can Mary remember what she likes about Kelley? We get a Pants Stance update. What kind of hi-jinks deserve a rolling pin to the head, Andy Capp style? All the white guy podcasters are re-watching The Sopranos, and Bill’s tired of it. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Bridgerton. Kelley brings some Lassie facts to the table and we discuss dog books.

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01:01:33

Episode 182: I Hope There’s a Cougar in It

Umpire Pants ·

2021/02/22

Listener Vera is here! We discuss legal weed in Canada and try to figure out what’s up with the song Sugar Shack. Our audio gets totally out of whack, but that’s okay, Mary was just retelling a boot story (and I put it at the end so you can see the disaster unfold in real-time). Mary is getting her second vaccine this weekend, and it brings up the question, who does she visit first? Did we do anything for Valentine’s Day? Do we ever? Vera tells a story from childhood that just might be the perfect

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01:02:14

Episode 181: Tip Top Shape Best Man Win!

Umpire Pants ·

2021/02/14

Bill got some homemade gnocchi and we talked about potatoes. We get a pants update from Mary. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Getting rid of old clothes and running into people you know. We recap the Superbowl, talk about commercials, and Bruce Springsteen vs. Larry the Cable Guy. We expand the Oh Word segment to quotes from books. Memories from Ross Dress for Less. Mary has a story about running into Sherrie, cat cremation, and expired food. Kelley wants to talk about Bob Newhart some more.

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00:53:28

Episode 180: She Maximized it, With Velour

Umpire Pants ·

2021/02/07

I’m releasing this early so you can speed-listen and get our Super Bowl predictions! We discuss the Super Bowl and food. Mary infuriates Kelley and Bill with her stance on hard pants when she needs to just wear a god damned track suit. Mary describes a hat. Kelley’s Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Cozecore Pants from Old Navy. What to do with a religious keepsake you don’t want? We predict the Super Bowl score. Goldfish Plant Update! Bill has some thoughts on Groundhog Day. RIP to the very best

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00:59:06

Episode 179: I Got to Go for A Ride, Like a Dog

Umpire Pants ·

2021/02/01

The rock tumbler update you’ve all been waiting for! Cutting our own hair during the pandemic. Bill had the ultimate bad start to the day. We brag about our state’s legal weed, again, and try to get a sponsorship going. Making an everyday activity your hobby. We get an impressive stair update! Guess what celebrities has Mary been compared to? Motivational speakers and cults. Kelley remembers a poor solution to a 6th grade problem. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Rock Auto and their helpful website

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01:01:08

Episode 178: I Would Never Make Fun of a Donkey Too Much

Umpire Pants ·

2021/01/25

New week new president. Rock tumbler update. We talk about the pitch experiment and corpse flowers, even though we know no facts about either one. How many people die on donkey Grand Canyon tours every year? Taking Max to the beach results in classic stinker behavior. Seventies movies and the drive-in. Mary admits she was wrong! Jeopardy edition. What weird things are we missing these days? Thrift stores, Costco Samples, fancy parties. Fred Meyer Update: They do have some malt liquor in stock.

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01:05:34

Episode 176: Oldie Buddy Goody

Umpire Pants ·

2021/01/23

YOU GET A BONUS EP THIS WEEK! Recorded 1/8/21. Enjoy! Another weird week in our country (this was the coup week, guys). Is Trump similar to Jerry Jones, age 78? Bill has bad TMJ pain, and his soft food diet has him craving weird stuff. Mary’s stair update: 12. Kelley’s elevator was down, so she has a stair update too, and lots of rambling regarding elevators and new furniture. Bill has a Nextdoor update. We talk about Quantum Leap, and who would’ve guessed Kelley doesn’t like the show but

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01:07:34

Episode 177: She Never Broke Wind

Umpire Pants ·

2021/01/18

We remember our late Great Aunt Mary Carroll. (Nate Bargatze Joke break.) Bill found an old man hobby: rock tumbling! Mary disparages beards. Mary received a mystery gift in the mail. Windstorm in Seattle. Bill’s neighbors with Ned Flanders. Mary and Kelley share some recipes. We get a good stair update! Bill has an old man Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Steam Mops. Mary wants to talk about commercials, and Bill thinks she’d like Star Trek The Next Generation. What are the poor barflies doing

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01:08:29

RE-RUN ALERT: Episode 123: We Don’t Use the Word Weiner

Umpire Pants ·

2021/01/11

Well, to top of a pretty shitty week, Kelley did something monumentally stupid and lost the podcast file this week! The originals still exist, so don't despair, you'll hear it one day when Kelley can stand to re-do all the work. So that you don't worry too much, we're re-releasing this classic from one year ago. If you're sad there isn't a new Ep, tell one friend about our show, and we'll see you next week. Umpire Pants Out!

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00:59:15

Episode 175: Very Hypocritical In an Egg Sort of...

Umpire Pants ·

2021/01/04

Skiing and scuba diving in the PNW. New Year’s Eve in Seattle. Mary is doing Dry January, and she already regrets it (and we recorded in December). Stair update. Mary had to take Simon to the vet (WARNING: we make distressed cat noises here!). We talk about eggs for awhile. Mary still argues it’s no big deal to drink while driving. I seem to have spaced out taking notes, once again…Kelley has that pumpkin update you’ve all been waiting for! Kelley’s Hint List! Use alcohol to clean. Cut

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01:02:01

Episode 174: I’m With Bugs

Umpire Pants ·

2020/12/28

The first day of winter was a doozy in the Seattle area. We remember a weird antique store with a creepy doll room. Getting lost driving. Mary is going to try Dry January. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The John Carpenter Movie They Live. Mary is setting up a hummingbird fight club, and thinks cats will burn to death if you don’t prevent it. King of the Dudes! Mary got a Rant and Rave published in the Seattle Times! Improperly fitted masks in the NFL. Which side is your appendix on, Bill?!

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01:02:23

Episode 173: Merry Christmas You Dicks

Umpire Pants ·

2020/12/20

Well, Kelley sounds like shit in the first half, sorry about that. But Sherrie is here! We try to explain why we are more than just neighbors and friends. We hear what it’s like to have little kids during the pandemic. Stair update from Mary. We bet on how old camels live for some reason. Can we talk Sherrie into buying a Santa Toilet seat cover? The important thing is that we talk about Toilet Santa, once again. Driving around to look at Christmas lights. We remember the classic Bellevue Square

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01:04:43

Episode 172: How do you Get to Dolphin Carnegie Hall?

Umpire Pants ·

2020/12/14

and some other follow-ups. If Bill could time travel he’d take Mountain Dew back in time. Toilet Santa update. Shit List of the Week: Toilet Santas. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Black Santas. An Arlo Guthrie update and Woodstock talk. We try to help Mary turn the sound down on her cell phone, to great results. Rant and Rave’s from the Seattle Times. Mary claims the dog doesn’t die in Marley and Me, and she’s seen it! Recipes from First Grader’s return! Kelley forgets to read the intro to

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01:05:17

Episode 171: Toilet Santa

Umpire Pants ·

2020/12/07

Mary reveals some legends she’s seen in concert but never mentioned to us before. We have that Towering Inferno update you’ve been waiting for. Mary watched Diehard. Mary thinks we need a vaccine heist movie. Sammy Davis Junior comes up twice today. Mary has a short person hack for everyone, and Kelley disappears. Mary has a story about good Samaritans working together in Seattle. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Folks maintaining Little Food Pantries. We talk about Christmas decorations and try

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00:55:31

Episode 179: A Little Light on the Lumber

Umpire Pants ·

2020/11/30

How did Thanksgiving go? Well, Max got a special dinner! Mary is into the show Longmire. Bill had his traditional Black Friday movie fest. It’s Christmas now, and more people are getting real trees. Should Mary annoy people with her cowbell to promote Umpire Pants? Bringing pig guts to the legislature in Taiwan. Trumps tiny desk photo has us all questioning reality. A brief update on Jeopardy! Stair update from Mary. Homemade and modified tools. Raccoons in your house. Mary uses shoes as

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278 results

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