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PODCAST

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

John Brandon, Jim Banks, Matthew Van Zandt, Vanessa

Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But they"re the fun kind of dumb, and that"s what counts.

leisure video games

All Episodes

02:38:58

Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 6 - He Had A...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/04/29

Square Roots - Episode 411 It's Vanessa's favourite part of the game, and you can easily see why: there's dance battles! Flexing bears! Spooky ooky hotels! Pretend ghosts! Mass shootings! Even more minigames! With Vanessa as this game's hype-woman, how could it go wrong? Also: - Matthew Bad - Twink-Petitors - The Ultimate Cancellation - Galaxy Rangers Is Just Star Fox - Fremen, Short for Frenchmen This Week: Finish Chapter 8, All That Glitters! Next Week: Finish Chapter 9, The Planet Stirs! Our

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02:01:57

Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 5 - New Character...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/04/22

Square Roots - Episode 410 If she only could, Yuffie'd make a deal with Cloud, and they would swap their places. She'd be running up that road, running up that hill, with no problems. Come on, Tifa. Come on, Aerith. Let her steal this materia from you now. But Cloud is too busy with a little headache from the green static of repressed memories to listen, and but at least they can exchange the experience (points). Also: - Sweebos! - I don't Think It's Happiness Good Times - They WRote This In the

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02:44:41

Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 4 - Put Barret In A...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/04/15

How do you feel about minigames? What about a whole chunker of minigames? Not interested? What if I told you it was a BEACH EPISODE! But a beach episode that only lets you pick out swimwear for three out of four of the humans in your party at the time. Yes, the plot is put on hold for a moment as we park Segways, go on a photo hunt, and play some Doggy Rocket League. Please don't listen past the credits with kids around. You'll understand why. Also: - The Sydney Sweeney of Video Games - Either A

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02:33:04

Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 3 - Matt's Funds Drive

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/04/08

Square Roots - Episode 408 Shine, shine! It's bald time. Finally us bald folks can see ourselves represented on screen in this rhythm game packed chunker of Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth! Plus you can finally donate to a non-Patreon related Matt bank account for some reason and solve a challenging boat puzzle. Also: - Paid in Beefaroni - Bring me pictures of Truman Capote! - Matt the Grumpy Libertarian - Is Japan the Idaho of the world? - Dasmalchian Syndrome This Week: We finish Chapter 4! Next Week:

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02:36:07

Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 2 - A Massive Tifa...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/04/01

Square Roots - Episode 407 Johnny's out so it's another All-American episode, full of America's favourite passtimes: ball punching! Very long X-Men tangents! Chadley! Boob punching? Also: - Midwest Emo - Wrench Cheeseburger - Who's Galactica's Mom? - More Like Pottycast - "I love living in Rocket Town!" Vs "Fuck Shinra!" - Chadley in a Wig This Week: We finish Chapter 3! Next Week: We finish Chapter 4! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome

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01:55:08

Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth Part 1 - Matt Wants This...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/03/25

Square Roots - Episode 406 Square Roots plays a totally new game! Okay, not TOTALLY new. Some of it is a quarter century old. But it's somewhat new! And it just came out! This is different! This is strange! Change is bad! But we're rolling with it. So we are playing Square Enix's Final Fantasy VII Rebirth, and get through the Nibelheim Incident in Chapter 1 and Matt tries to make Sluttiroth happen. Also: - Bones Knitting - Avengers Persona Game For Grownups 😉 - A Perfect Pooping Game - Sexual

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01:58:22

Bayonetta Part 3 - A Pair of Dorks

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/03/18

Bayonetta Part 3 - A Pair of Dorks Square Roots - Episode 405 Johnny doxes everyone in this eventful episode of our Bayonetta playthrough! We finish the game. Questions are answered, except maybe the question "is Bayonetta her own mother?" as Matt refuses to listen to any answer other than "yes". Also finally Johnny is cancelled. Also: - More Like Baldur's Gay - Is Less Than Jake Better Than Ezra? - Jim's Withering Looks to Camera - The Opposite of Gay Panic Is Lesbian Love - Mountain Dew Is Water -

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01:37:32

Bayonetta Part 2 - We're Too Punk Rock For Ads

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/03/11

Square Roots - Episode 404 The Bayonetta loving will continue until podcast output improves. In this glamorous episode of Bayonetta, we feel like f***ing celebrities as we're recognized by weird angel statue robots with Mystery Science Theatre tube arms. And Matt paraphrases an email! Also: - Solid Mike and Naked Mike - An Unpaid Ad for Canva - Nothing Wrong With Using A Parasol To Hit Enemies - Every Game Has To Go To Space - Life Is Like A Passing Breeze This Week: We finish Chapter XI in

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02:15:30

Bayonetta Part 1 - Lethal Weapon Joe Pesci

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/03/04

Bayonetta Part 1 - Lethal Weapon Joe Pesci Square Roots - Episode 403 Hooray! Everyone is loving Bayonetta! Sure, Vanessa is off due to injury and Matthew may be loving it only under duress, but that's good enough. Because loving Bayonetta is MANDATORY. And this week we start out the Platinum Games classic and learn all about the lore of the Lumen Sages, Umbra Witches, and just how close a video game camera can get inside a human body. Also: - Matt Is Rinoa's Mom - Superman is a Big Man - Blurays

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02:38:02

Dragon Age: Inquisition Part 7 - Hot Butt Office

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/02/26

Square Roots - Episode 402 Finally, truly, we are in the age of Dragons. And we've really finished Dragon Age: Inquisition. Sure, we rolled credits last episode, but this one has Super Credits, with extra special Cassandra narration! Plus we may or may not lose a fan favourite character in this chunker, depending on your choices. Also: - No Spiders Man or Lasts of Us - Senshi Upskirt Shots - Weird Christopher Eccleston Hate - Passing Notes in Class - Invernerable Draygons This Week: We Finish

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02:36:37

Dragon Age: Inquisition Part 6 - Canadian Psycho

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/02/19

Square Roots - Episode 401 I don't know how else to say it, but this episode should be kept far from your little ones. Why? Gazzie talk. Just. Lots of gazzie talk. Gazzies everywhere. Wall-to-wall gazzies. I swear that we've got it out of our system and next week you won't ever hear the word Gazzie again. Also: - Sony Has to Make A Game About Miserable People Watching Their Friends Die - Everyone's Favourite Character, Krattos - I Just Made Her Sleep With Alistair Once - Your Favourite Bull's

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59:22

The Square Roots 400th Episode Spectacular!

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/02/12

Square Roots - Episode 400 We interrupt this season of Square Roots for a very special 400th episode in which we talk about the ups and downs of our nerdy lives since 2016, and constantly try not to get mired in talking about politics. THEN THE ROBOTS ARRIVE! Also: - The Rootin' Rootin' Cowboy! - BLEEP BLOOP GIVE ME THE SLOOP! - Johnny Has A Stupid Game! This Week: We Have A Bonus Time Fun Time Next Week: We Finish the Main Story Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven

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02:34:35

Dragon Age: Inquisition Part 5 - Get This Lady Away...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/02/05

Square Roots - Episode 399 Uh oh, it seems like something has turned Johnny into beserker mode, where he's all fists and elbows. And that is Bianca. Johnny goes red-pill in the face of destroyed head canon in this terrifying episode of Square Roots as we drink from the Well of Sorrows. Also: - Could You Sing That Like Dio? - Ghosts Have Birthdays - King Shark, Doo-doo-de-doo-doo - Jim's Secret Fruit Roll-Ups Stash - A Don Knotts Moment - Our Pitch for Frankenmommy This Week: What Pride Has Wrought

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02:46:03

Dragon Age: Inquisition Part 4 - Taking Two Barbie...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/01/29

Square Roots - Episode 398 There's mystery afoot as Johnny, Matthew and eventually Vanessa battle some possessed Wardens and fall into the Fade on this magical chunker of Dragon Age: Inquisition. Plus a battering ram shaped like a fist! Also: - Abblegation - Too Good Of A Singer - Countess Undercut - Who Is Celine Dion - 100% Nude Cullen Unlocked This Week: Here Lies the Abyss Next Week: What Pride Has Wrought (And Crestwood, Romances, Companions) Our Patreon:

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02:43:07

Dragon Age: Inquisition Part 3 - #YouGotGazooed

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/01/22

Square Roots - Episode 397 Finally we close the breach, and everything is perfect. Except that that dang ol' Corypheus has to go and ruin it all with a demon dragon and one of two possible henchpeople. Meanwhile Jim decides to start the internet hashtag goof of the decade! Also: - Just arctic - Jodie Pasta and Jane Fondue - Talking in hushed whispers - Far dragon age future is mass effect - Oil of Orlais - I'm with Crypheus - Random references to people in Canada - The Slow Clap Song This Week:

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01:39:05

Dragon Age: Inquisition Part 2 - You're Missing Out...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/01/15

Square Roots - Episode 396 It's a PATRIOTS ONLY podcast. Our three hosts are RED, WHITE and BLUE. And these colours aren't busy at work. On this AMERICANS ONLY episode of Square Roots the fierce flag smoochers talk about what's up with the Templars mission Champions of the Just and recruit Vivienne, Iron Bull, Blackwall and Vanessa's nemesis Sera. Also: - Bronnie Jandon Is Always Ready For A Kiss - The Merits of Showing Hole - A Pooltergeist - Have You Tried Equipping A Better Weapon? - Half of

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02:19:41

Dragon Age: Inquisition Part 1 - Fresh from the...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/01/08

Square Roots - Episode 395 You've got to hand it to the Herald: their hand certainly is glowy, and has superpowers too! In this gripping first chunker of BioWare's Dragon Age: Inquisition we close gates to the fade, meet a horse man, stare at chest hair, and leave the hinterlands as soon as Solas tells us to, because we wouldn't want to disappoint Vanessa's dream elf. Also: - Carol Vorderman's Math Skills - A Naturalist, Not a Naturist - How Many Games Make Your Mom Turn Into A Frankenstein? -

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01:48:05

Final Fantasy I Part 2 - Cozy Goodtimes

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2024/01/01

Final Fantasy I Part 2 - Cozy Goodtimes Square Roots - Episode 394 Don't you just love having legs? You can waggle them, you can crisscrossapplesauce them, they have leg hands! And we use our JRPG legs through all the long walks and long dungeons of this limb-filled Square Roots episode ending our Final Fantasy I season. Just two episodes? You better believe it. Also: - Advent Children Chose The Most Boring Option - Ouroboros Burgertime - His Name Is Tyler - Magical Canoe of Destiny - Special

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01:03:02

Square Rooots Versus (An?) 8-Bit Christmas

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/12/25

Hello friends! It's The Holiday Wintertime Goodtime Week so we are off carousing, carolling, controlling and blu cantrelling, and not podcasting. But that doesn't mean you can't have this fresh piece of Square Roots fruitcake from our archive! We watch the NPH 80s retro feature and give you our HOTTEST takes. Enjoy! This Week: We watch a movie! About video games! Next Week: We Finish Final Fantasy 1! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme

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01:50:13

Final Fantasy I Part 1 - I Would Never Use THAC0 In...

Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast ·

2023/12/18

Square Roots - Episode 393 Oh wow! This is the oldest RPG we've done for a season! But none of us were ready for the adorable sprites and price-gouging magic dealers of Final Fantasy I! Also: - The Brown Crystal - Paul Giamatti Kisses a Woman - Super Into Creed - The Manana Origins - Margot Robbie Could Go Into Anyone's House - The Opposite of Downtown Brown - A Walken Shower This Week: We defeat the Lich in Final Fantasy I! Next Week: We Finish Final Fantasy 1! Our Patreon:

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