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PODCAST

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

Welcome to If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

comedy improv

All Episodes

1:14:13

Master Chief Beach Week

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/06/14

Gimmick month continues with our first-annual Master Chief Beach Week, the replacement holiday full of sand, sun and fun! Or that's what the copy says anyway, in practice it's mostly talk about the various ways that white people ruin the beach without even enjoying it themselves, in addition to various diversions concerning bumper stickers, scented markers, what a Halo even is actually, the names of various guys from Halo, and you can bet your little space pants, somehow even more.Welcome to If

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46:23

Meat the Plants

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/06/07

John, Niki and LB are all in the same place! Wowie zowie! That means an in-person recording, which also means the audio is a little roomier than usual, but the vibes are still just like you like 'em! Topics of discussion for this week include (but are not limited to) the world of dreams, emotionally insensitive burlesque performers, Dan Ryckert's upcoming zone scoop, True Detective Season 2, leaving a five-star review on a podcast called If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, and somehow, even

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1:17:14

How Much to Make the The Mask (1994) Mask Work

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/05/31

John, Niki and LB ascend the Gender Tower for an episode that's going to be just as much of a surprise for you as it is for me, because I haven't heard it yet! Also featuring a surprise visit from Former Chief Medical Advisor to the President of United States Anthony Fauci. Oh no!Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve

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58:55

The Shameful Crunching Bird

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/05/24

Teetering on the edge of oblivion, four friends (three regular and one frog) embark on a sacred journey of personal discovery. During their travels, the group discusses many topics of importance, including why Jon Bon Jovi cheated on his wife, what the white lady from TikTok is up to these days, the various slogans of Outback Steakhouse, which birds are/aren't birds, and demonstrably, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and

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1:07:31

Dwyane Wade’s Woke Cube

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/05/17

It's John. It's Niki. It's LB. It's all three of them, and they're here, being as smart and drunk as ever, talking about the things YOU care about most, including a brand-new legal system for punishments, the hairy teeter, the history of Atlantis, the long-awaited return of Scam Text Theater, notes for John's acting skills, tall buildings, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki,

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1:12:58

The Artist’s Dilemma

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/05/10

In what is perhaps our most cracked episode to date, LB, Niki and John struggle to overcome a well of extreme negative energy by playing jenga, inventing new uses for numbers stations, selling phone numbers for more ketamine, re-learning Flonase, answering a telemarketer call live on the podcast, and against all odds, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer

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1:11:05

Functionally Identical to One Another

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/05/03

With LB on a Hero's Journey through the bowels of Hell, John and Niki once again conscript Producer Jordan into the triumvirate of intellect that is If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes. Topics of discussion for this meeting include (but are not limited to) the contents of John's most recent stress dream, carbon monoxide poisoning, ape films, photos of odd occurrences that Jordan has experienced recently, a "real brief" explanation of the complete history of Transformers, and even without trying,

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1:09:32

Grandson

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/04/26

LB, Niki and John, having achieved unparalleled success as super-famous TikTok influencers, return to their humble podcasting roots for another round of important discussions, including (but not limited to) how much of acting is just demon possession, that Drew Carey tweet, white people music, discovering the source of 95% of the stress in LB's life, and dude, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying

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1:04:45

I Want to Give You $700

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/04/19

With John trapped in the 1990s, producer Jordan joins Niki and LB for the typical weekly slate of activities, which includes inventing new kinds of gambling, coming up with a new big titty anime lady-based form of financial investment, peeing into the little cup, Niki's new friend Juliette, and somehow ... even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find

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1:09:11

Ducks in the Hood

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/04/12

With Jordan back on the sticks, LB, John and Niki return to their regular work of discussing the most pressing issues facing today's Sleepy Americans, including the existential pain of being in the audience for bad comedy, the dire comments on our good TikToks, heroin as a venture investment, the good ol' days of file sharing, the best grass for where you live, Snoopy and how great he is, the American flag, and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about

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1:07:06

Demonstration of Licking, Eating, and Drinking

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/04/05

With Jordo away at a sensual conference for banjo frogs, the gang are actually pretty well-behaved. We talk about water bottles, the very worst songs we know, cereal, gifts for kids, and probably even more. I don't remember. Jordo usually writes these and knows what we talked about in the episode. Frankly I'm not sure. It's probably funny though. Hopefully.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB—

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1:08:43

I Want to Eat Metal

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/03/29

With Niki trapped in the labyrinthine tunnels beneath the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center, emergency reserve friend merritt k joins LB and John to discuss websites about eating metal, Bigfoot's dick, an interesting car LB spotted and its resulting bevy of secrets, who we would impersonate if we were to impersonate a celebrity, the secret to a successful marriage, sexy entertainment value, and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the

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1:07:31

A Million Monkeys Typing in a Room

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/03/22

LB, Niki and John open their ongoing notes document and attack this week's agenda, which includes John's new screenplay idea, a new crops-based gambling venture, solving Bruno Mars' gambling debt situation, finding new tax loopholes, addressing the issue of how many years there are, LB's dog's secret Facetime calls to John, a really unfortunate hamburger, and kitten, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our

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1:12:25

What Can You Do with a Giraffe

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/03/15

John, LB and Niki take a trip down memory lane, reminiscing over what it was like to live in the era of "the TV is on," in addition to nuanced discussions of softcore pornography; John's dog's ballsack; sending butthole pics to Matt; if Starbucks had a conversation pit; soaking; the return of MAUL WATCH; Niki's Tiktok dream; and darlin', somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB—

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1:05:22

Body Part of a White Person

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/03/08

The crying sky of Los Angeles, which cannot be consoled, will not prevent LB, Niki and John from discussing the various ongoing perils surrounding one of history's greatest sports (video games), in addition to Niki's mounting CPAP debt; bog standard cheating on your wife stuff; getting AMPED; lesbians!!!; if bus is car; more quality products from the fine folks at Temu; and my sweet summer child, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty,

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1:10:00

Adult Woman Pageant

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/03/01

Niki and LB help an extremely sleepy John overcome his post-flight fatigue by discussing the mysterious woman he saw at the airport; the food in New Orleans; Niki's new best friend Kelly 🤝; LB getting they German passport; if Scandal was made for $10; using Cameo to ask questions questions of the people reading messages on Cameo; and if you can believe it, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying

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1:02:23

I'll Eat Your Onions?

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/02/23

LB, Niki and John solve the mystery of "what's True Detective," while also tackling a number of simultaneous ongoing cases, including that Britney Spears video where she dies and turns into a baby; LB's great sandwich-based TV show idea; if you can or cannot get pastrami "everywhere;" whether it's easier to get a pumpkin or a tuna; the #1 fragrance icon that follows the teachings of Jesus; and if you're up for it, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about

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1:02:54

Lest I Piss on My Dog

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/02/16

LB, John and Niki carve time from their busy schedules to tackle a handful of new issues facing America's Sleepiest Americans™, including hummingbird tongues, all the stuff they cut from the Bible, what happens to us after we die, Creed's 2001 Thanksgiving Day NFL Halftime Show, a Pokemon lawsuit, lying about limes, picking your daytime television rotation, and my dear lover, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of

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1:05:56

2 for $2X

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/02/09

John, LB and Niki continue their attempts at navigating an ongoing legal crisis involving Darth Maul and 30-65 missing children, while also discussing the best date ideas, skipping dating entirely, recovering from bad dates, trying to convince a group of friends with a horrible television that the version of Shrek you're watching has been remastered, and preposterously, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our

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49:42

Give a Kid, Take a Kid

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/02/02

Niki, John and LB, who are no longer saying the name of the show for legal reasons, discuss the latest details of the missing children/Darth Maul situation; Palmdale, CA; robot-style Pinocchio; half of this podcast's love for Coheed and Cambria; Los Angeles highway lore; some sports guy's "beautiful ass;" and predictably, so much more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer

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