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PODCAST

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes

Welcome to If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

comedy improv

All Episodes

1:08:43

I Want to Eat Metal

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/03/29

With Niki trapped in the labyrinthine tunnels beneath the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center, emergency reserve friend merritt k joins LB and John to discuss websites about eating metal, Bigfoot's dick, an interesting car LB spotted and its resulting bevy of secrets, who we would impersonate if we were to impersonate a celebrity, the secret to a successful marriage, sexy entertainment value, and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the

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1:07:31

A Million Monkeys Typing in a Room

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/03/22

LB, Niki and John open their ongoing notes document and attack this week's agenda, which includes John's new screenplay idea, a new crops-based gambling venture, solving Bruno Mars' gambling debt situation, finding new tax loopholes, addressing the issue of how many years there are, LB's dog's secret Facetime calls to John, a really unfortunate hamburger, and kitten, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our

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1:12:25

What Can You Do with a Giraffe

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/03/15

John, LB and Niki take a trip down memory lane, reminiscing over what it was like to live in the era of "the TV is on," in addition to nuanced discussions of softcore pornography; John's dog's ballsack; sending butthole pics to Matt; if Starbucks had a conversation pit; soaking; the return of MAUL WATCH; Niki's Tiktok dream; and darlin', somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB—

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1:05:22

Body Part of a White Person

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/03/08

The crying sky of Los Angeles, which cannot be consoled, will not prevent LB, Niki and John from discussing the various ongoing perils surrounding one of history's greatest sports (video games), in addition to Niki's mounting CPAP debt; bog standard cheating on your wife stuff; getting AMPED; lesbians!!!; if bus is car; more quality products from the fine folks at Temu; and my sweet summer child, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty,

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1:10:00

Adult Woman Pageant

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/03/01

Niki and LB help an extremely sleepy John overcome his post-flight fatigue by discussing the mysterious woman he saw at the airport; the food in New Orleans; Niki's new best friend Kelly 🤝; LB getting they German passport; if Scandal was made for $10; using Cameo to ask questions questions of the people reading messages on Cameo; and if you can believe it, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying

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1:02:23

I'll Eat Your Onions?

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/02/23

LB, Niki and John solve the mystery of "what's True Detective," while also tackling a number of simultaneous ongoing cases, including that Britney Spears video where she dies and turns into a baby; LB's great sandwich-based TV show idea; if you can or cannot get pastrami "everywhere;" whether it's easier to get a pumpkin or a tuna; the #1 fragrance icon that follows the teachings of Jesus; and if you're up for it, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about

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1:02:54

Lest I Piss on My Dog

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/02/16

LB, John and Niki carve time from their busy schedules to tackle a handful of new issues facing America's Sleepiest Americans™, including hummingbird tongues, all the stuff they cut from the Bible, what happens to us after we die, Creed's 2001 Thanksgiving Day NFL Halftime Show, a Pokemon lawsuit, lying about limes, picking your daytime television rotation, and my dear lover, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of

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1:05:56

2 for $2X

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/02/09

John, LB and Niki continue their attempts at navigating an ongoing legal crisis involving Darth Maul and 30-65 missing children, while also discussing the best date ideas, skipping dating entirely, recovering from bad dates, trying to convince a group of friends with a horrible television that the version of Shrek you're watching has been remastered, and preposterously, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our

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49:42

Give a Kid, Take a Kid

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/02/02

Niki, John and LB, who are no longer saying the name of the show for legal reasons, discuss the latest details of the missing children/Darth Maul situation; Palmdale, CA; robot-style Pinocchio; half of this podcast's love for Coheed and Cambria; Los Angeles highway lore; some sports guy's "beautiful ass;" and predictably, so much more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer

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1:16:31

Sorry You Missed Me

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/01/26

With Jordan back at the helm, LB, John and Niki discuss the density of psychics in southern California, an interesting van LB saw on the street recently, John's very normal Tiktok comment (and its implications for his general mental health situation), Scary Spice's lesbian power, the Oscars, 10 minutes of undocumented conversation where Jordan was using the bathroom, and somehow, so much more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of

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1:09:49

Movies Tagged ‘Hole’

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/01/19

John, Niki and LB record without their producer, Jordan, who is sick this week. He's also the one who usually takes notes and writes these summaries, but again, he's sick, so, that's not happening. Genuinely no idea what's in this one folks, it could be our funniest episode to date and/or our most offensive -- there's only one way to find out.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our

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57:28

Baby Deodorant

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/01/12

To help with the enormous legal fees we expect this year, LB, John and Niki present three new multi-level marketing programs that can help empower YOU while empowering us. They also discuss street marshmallows, the lawyer that rocks, going psycho mode on bevs in the disco, babe x wilbur AO3, making June a week shorter, and somehow, even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our

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53:38

Mouseketeers, Alive and Dead

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2024/01/05

John, Niki and LB return from their long winter's nap, rejuvenated and ready to tackle the ongoing missing persons case involving Darth Maul and a few dozen children left in their care. On the way, they also discuss who has the sweetest sweat on the Clippers roster, John's word for the new year, going to Turkey for a hair transplant, whose death we'll will this year (allegedly (in Minecraft)), and if you can believe it, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast

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1:20:10

From Your Friends at Mc.P.P

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/12/15

In what might be considered a Reverse Christmas Miracle, LB, Niki and John and have lost all 30-65 children that reportedly attend Drivey's Ed., our montessori school for babies with rich parents. Since you can't have a Christmas Pageant without adorable kids, we instead initiate a last-minute pivot to the next best thing, which is buying gifts for each other and ourselves on Temu. We also learn that Jesus died in Boulder, CO, and that large mesh holes refuse to be stuffy. Happy holidays! Welcome to

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1:09:02

Drivey's Ed. (UNLOCKED 2022 PATREON HOLIDAY SPECIAL!!)

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/12/08

Last year's Patreon-only Holiday special is now available to all! It's an eyes-closed miracle!! John, Niki and LB organize the upcoming children's holiday pageant at the charter school they've opened, If You're Driving Academy, also known affectionately to students as "Drivey's Ed." Hope you used the bathroom before you got here!Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try

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1:05:26

Toys for Men Mastabator

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/12/01

LB, John and Niki celebrate the long-awaited death of one of history's greatest monsters before moving on to a series of adjacent topics, including grammar rules for sports team names; who's on our Oceans 11 team; getting what you need; the psyop involving "these cups;" the nude figurines LB was talking about earlier; uncovering juicy secrets; the sexy poop scene from Jurassic World; and bros, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty,

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1:06:37

Gamblit Drinks His Own Juice

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/11/24

John, LB and Niki set aside their shared turkey sandwich long enough to digest a whole new buffet of controversial topics, including humidity in the city of New Orleans, what languages the owl knows, Gambit's custom turtleneck guy, items left behind on planes, the best place to get locally-grown tobacco in America, LB's growing concerns about Lyme disease, going to the doctor to reallocate your points, and my festive holiday shoppers, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes,

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1:08:42

Brad's Drink

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/11/17

With LB gone to perform important research aboard a haunted submersible, honorary fourth chair merritt k rejoins John and Niki to discuss a number of pressing topics, including crustacean-themed pornography; Bicentennial Man, various Brads (famous), the oldest thing(s) we would drink, "chicken of the forest" mushrooms, Todd Howard fanfic, and implausibly, so much more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world

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1:04:59

The Ballad of Chevy Chase

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/11/10

LB, Niki and John hit the paint and field a volley of incoming three-pointer discussion topics [Editor's note: idk basketball sorry], including Niki's theme song phase, the small lanky white men of 70s basketball, being big enough to survive being hit by Shaq, the very small group of people who write slash fiction about basketball players, Michael Jordan's Neverland, and I promise if you just hang in there, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating

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1:01:17

Jigsaw’s Throat Spa

If You"re Driving, Close Your Eyes ·

2023/11/03

John, LB and Niki square off in the quartered octagon or w/e for a no holds barred showdown with colossal consequences, which is mostly just the same sort of lively discussion you've come to know and tolerate, including such topics as the Invisible Man, latex allergies, AI-generated salsa websites, experiencing true darkness in the bowels of the Earth, Niki Dip™, the delicious flavors you can get out of wood, and incredibly, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a

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158 results

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