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PODCAST

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with Mismatched Sex Drives

Laura Jurgens, Ph.D.

Mismatched libidos destroying your relationship? Dr. Laura Jurgens helps couples solve desire differences with proven methods—even when therapy fails. This intimacy coach and former professor helps couples navigate different sexual needs with research-based solutions that actually work.This isn"t about forcing different sex drives to align. It"s about understanding why you want different amounts of sex, learning to talk about it without fighting, and creating intimacy that works for both partners

health & fitness sexuality

All Episodes

36:18

AI and your sex life: when it helps & when it causes...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/12/29

Thinking about asking ChatGPT about your desire gap at 2am? You're not alone—lots of people are turning to AI for relationship help. And I get it. It's free, private, and you don't have to admit to another human that you're struggling. But here's what you need to know: AI can be genuinely helpful for some things—like understanding new concepts, normalizing your experience, or organizing your thoughts before talking to your partner. But it also has serious limitations that can actually make yo...

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59:43

The 10 biggest mistakes people make with desire...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/12/22

This is THE episode to share. After 100 episodes and years of working with couples on mismatched desire, I'm breaking down the 10 mistakes that keep you stuck—from obligation sex and taking rejection personally, to making every touch sexual and believing someone is broken. These patterns make total sense, but they backfire hard. If you or someone you know is dealing with a desire gap, start here. You'll learn what's keeping things stuck and exactly what to do instead. The 10 mistakes: Trying ...

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23:25

What to do when depression & antidepressants kill...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/12/15

Depression tanks your libido. Then you finally get help with antidepressants—and your sex drive tanks even more. If this is you, you're not broken. You're dealing with a real, common side effect that nobody wants to talk about. In this episode, I break down the double whammy of depression and SSRIs on your sex life: how depression shuts down motivation (including for sex), why antidepressants compound the problem by affecting serotonin and dopamine, and how orgasm difficulties create a feedba...

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38:56

When holiday stress kills desire (your sex life...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/12/08

If you're not tearing each other's matching pajamas off for holiday romance, you're not broken - you're normal. The holidays come with dreamy visions of mistletoe magic, but the reality is stress, family drama, overbooked schedules, and exhaustion. In this episode, we tackle: Why holiday pressure kills intimacyThe common patterns that widen desire gaps (and how to avoid them)Low-pressure ways to stay connected when libido is low or mismatchedHow to communicate without pressure if you're the h...

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40:34

What you're really working toward with mismatched...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/12/01

Most people think the goal with mismatched libidos is making the lower-desire partner want more of the sex you've been having—or making the higher-desire partner want less. But that's not it. And it wouldn't work anyway. I walk through the actual goals when you're healing a desire gap. They boil down to maximizing sexual compatibility, emotional connection, and quality of communication, then deciding how to manage whatever gap, if any, is left over. This means focusing first on be...

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41:47

You DO have options: what higher-desire partners can...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/11/24

Feeling stuck, powerless, and like your needs don't matter? This episode is for you. A listener wrote: "I feel like you only talk about what the low-libido partner needs. What about me?" He's right—I needed to address this more directly. In this episode, I break down the "power imbalance" myth, clarify what you can reasonably expect in a monogamous relationship, and talk over the 5 real options when your partner refuses to work on your desire discrepancy. Your needs matter. You're not powerle...

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28:49

Why obligation sex destroys desire (and what works...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/11/17

You think having sex when you don't really want to will keep your partner happy. But obligation sex actually destroys desire—and doesn't help either of you in the long run. Research shows that when you cross your own boundaries repeatedly this way, your desire drops even further. Resentment builds. And your partner can wind up feeling even more unwanted. I break down what actually happens with obligation sex, why it doesn't help either partner, and how to choose a different option that honors...

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44:19

Your brain is keeping you stuck in a desire gap...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/11/10

You know your desire discrepancy is a problem. You've known for months, maybe years. So why haven't you done anything about it? It's not laziness or lack of care—it's your brain doing exactly what evolution designed it to do. Here's how to override it. This episode helps you understand the neuroscience of "the comfortable pain trap," the real cost of waiting, and how to override your brain's resistance. Whether you're higher-desire or lower-desire, this episode will help you finally tak...

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33:11

ADHD & Desire Gaps, Part 1: High libido, low libido,...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/11/03

If you have ADHD and your sex life feels challenging, you're not broken - your brain just works differently. Maybe you have super high libido and use sex or masturbation to feel at home in your body. Or maybe your libido is low because sex hasn't been working for your body or you're stuck in your head and you don't know why or how to fix it. Or maybe you're both, depending on the day. In this episode, we unpack why ADHD creates these extremes - from sex as self-medication to getting stuck in ...

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42:23

Getting on the Same Team, Part 2: How to talk about...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/10/27

You know you need to talk about your desire gap, but every time you try, it devolves into a fight. Someone gets defensive or spirals into shame, and you're right back where you started – or worse. In this episode, you get the exact framework for having the conversation that actually works to get you started on the road to solving your issues together. You'll learn how to check if you're calm enough for vulnerability, how to express your feelings without blame, how to hear your partner's pain ...

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30:22

Getting on the Same Team, Part 1: Stop venting to...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/10/20

You're both in pain about your desire gap, but you're processing it separately – venting to friends, talking to therapists, building separate narratives about what's wrong. Meanwhile, the gap between you keeps widening. Sound familiar? Most couples approach mismatched libidos like adversaries: one person wants more sex, one wants less, and now you're fighting about whose needs matter more. But when one of you loses, you both lose. In this episode, you'll learn why the adversarial approach nev...

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51:47

What your body learned about love before you could...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/10/14

Why does your body shut down during intimacy even when your mind wants connection? Why does rejection trigger panic that feels way bigger than the situation? The answer might have nothing to do with your current relationship—and everything to do with attachment wounds living in your nervous system. In this episode, Laura talks with Dr. Aline LaPierre, creator of NeuroAffective Touch, about how our earliest experiences with touch shape everything about adult intimacy, sexuality, and connection...

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28:20

Desire Solutions: Signs that you're rushing...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/10/06

Why does penetration feel painful, numb, or just... meh? And why does rushing to it kill desire over time? If you're experiencing pain or numbness during sex, struggling with low libido, or wondering why your partner seems less and less interested, this episode is for you. It reveals one of the most common desire killers: penetration before the body is actually ready. You'll learn how much time most female bodies need before reaching full arousal, how to recognize true readiness for pen...

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35:45

Desire Killers & What To Do Instead: Pouting When You...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/09/29

Tired of the cycle where you don't get sex, so you sulk, which makes your partner want sex even less? You're not alone – and you're definitely not getting the results you want. In this episode, we break down why pouting, withdrawal, and passive aggression after sexual rejection literally kills desire and pushes your partner further away. If you're the higher-libido partner feeling frustrated and acting out, or the lower-libido partner dealing with sulking and guilt trips, this episode is for ...

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19:45

Sex Help for Smart People Evolves to The Desire Gap...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/09/22

This episode is all about why I'm making a change in this podcast, including why that is going to be extra great for you as a listener. In fact, you're going to get even more of my focused expertise, aimed at the issue that affects 80% of people in relationships at some point: libido mismatch. I'm keeping all the no-nonsense, research-based, caring content you know me for. What you also get is laser-focused expertise on desire differences— the issue that touches virtually every other sexual a...

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31:55

What is Embodiment? Why Somatics Are Key to Better...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/09/15

Your body remembers every touch, every rejection, every moment of connection—even when your mind has forgotten. But most of us are living from the neck up, disconnected from our bodies and the wisdom they hold about our desires, boundaries, and authentic selves. In this episode, I'm demystifying embodiment and somatic (body-based) approaches for intimacy issues. I'll break down what it actually means to be embodied (versus disconnected), why your nervous system holds the key to better sex and...

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26:31

Is It Okay to Fantasize During Sex? A Guide to...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/09/08

Many people worry that fantasizing during intimacy means something is wrong with their relationship or attraction to their partner. In this episode, we explore why mental wandering during sex is completely normal and can actually enhance your experience. Learn the difference between healthy fantasy that keeps you present and embodied… versus problematic fantasy used for dissociation or avoidance. We'll cover why active minds (especially ADHD brains) benefit from fantasy, when it becomes a red...

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24:13

Situationships and Friends with Benefits - What Works...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/09/01

Are casual-sex relationships always problematic, or can they actually work for some people? In this episode, we break down the key differences between "friends with benefits" (clear boundaries) and situationships (confusing lack of clarity). Learn why catching feelings during casual sex is completely normal and healthy, when these arrangements can work, and crucial signs they're not right for you. We'll explore attachment styles, discuss why some people naturally bond through sex while others...

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29:05

Should I Tell My Partner What Turns Me OFF?

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/08/25

We're going to get really nitty-gritty here today and give you the full details on why, when and how to tell your partner what turns you off. I'll also give you the important exceptions -- that is, when NOT to frame something as a turn-off. Plus you'll get a step-by-step guide on how to have these conversations -- and my Golden Rule for how to make them WAY less hard. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how ...

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26:23

Can You Really Learn Relationship Skills Through...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/08/18

What if getting better at relationships and intimacy could actually feel amazing? In this episode, we look at the evidence to challenge the assumption that learning relationship skills has to involve painful, difficult conversations or years of heavy therapy. Drawing on science about how our brains learn best, we talk about why pleasure and play are actually superior teachers when it comes to intimacy. I'll break down the problems with traditional talk-only approaches and share how embodied, ...

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101 results

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