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PODCAST

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with Mismatched Sex Drives

Laura Jurgens, Ph.D.

Mismatched libidos destroying your relationship? Dr. Laura Jurgens helps couples solve desire differences with proven methods—even when therapy fails. This intimacy coach and former professor helps couples navigate different sexual needs with research-based solutions that actually work.This isn"t about forcing different sex drives to align. It"s about understanding why you want different amounts of sex, learning to talk about it without fighting, and creating intimacy that works for both partners

health & fitness sexuality

All Episodes

44:19

Your brain is keeping you stuck in a desire gap...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/11/10

You know your desire discrepancy is a problem. You've known for months, maybe years. So why haven't you done anything about it? It's not laziness or lack of care—it's your brain doing exactly what evolution designed it to do. Here's how to override it. This episode helps you understand the neuroscience of "the comfortable pain trap," the real cost of waiting, and how to override your brain's resistance. Whether you're higher-desire or lower-desire, this episode will help you finally tak...

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33:11

ADHD & Desire Gaps, Part 1: High libido, low libido,...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/11/03

If you have ADHD and your sex life feels challenging, you're not broken - your brain just works differently. Maybe you have super high libido and use sex or masturbation to feel at home in your body. Or maybe your libido is low because sex hasn't been working for your body or you're stuck in your head and you don't know why or how to fix it. Or maybe you're both, depending on the day. In this episode, we unpack why ADHD creates these extremes - from sex as self-medication to getting stuck in ...

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42:23

Getting on the Same Team, Part 2: How to talk about...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/10/27

You know you need to talk about your desire gap, but every time you try, it devolves into a fight. Someone gets defensive or spirals into shame, and you're right back where you started – or worse. In this episode, you get the exact framework for having the conversation that actually works to get you started on the road to solving your issues together. You'll learn how to check if you're calm enough for vulnerability, how to express your feelings without blame, how to hear your partner's pain ...

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30:22

Getting on the Same Team, Part 1: Stop venting to...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/10/20

You're both in pain about your desire gap, but you're processing it separately – venting to friends, talking to therapists, building separate narratives about what's wrong. Meanwhile, the gap between you keeps widening. Sound familiar? Most couples approach mismatched libidos like adversaries: one person wants more sex, one wants less, and now you're fighting about whose needs matter more. But when one of you loses, you both lose. In this episode, you'll learn why the adversarial approach nev...

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51:47

What your body learned about love before you could...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/10/14

Why does your body shut down during intimacy even when your mind wants connection? Why does rejection trigger panic that feels way bigger than the situation? The answer might have nothing to do with your current relationship—and everything to do with attachment wounds living in your nervous system. In this episode, Laura talks with Dr. Aline LaPierre, creator of NeuroAffective Touch, about how our earliest experiences with touch shape everything about adult intimacy, sexuality, and connection...

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28:20

Desire Solutions: Signs that you're rushing...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/10/06

Why does penetration feel painful, numb, or just... meh? And why does rushing to it kill desire over time? If you're experiencing pain or numbness during sex, struggling with low libido, or wondering why your partner seems less and less interested, this episode is for you. It reveals one of the most common desire killers: penetration before the body is actually ready. You'll learn how much time most female bodies need before reaching full arousal, how to recognize true readiness for pen...

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35:45

Desire Killers & What To Do Instead: Pouting When You...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/09/29

Tired of the cycle where you don't get sex, so you sulk, which makes your partner want sex even less? You're not alone – and you're definitely not getting the results you want. In this episode, we break down why pouting, withdrawal, and passive aggression after sexual rejection literally kills desire and pushes your partner further away. If you're the higher-libido partner feeling frustrated and acting out, or the lower-libido partner dealing with sulking and guilt trips, this episode is for ...

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19:45

Sex Help for Smart People Evolves to The Desire Gap...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/09/22

This episode is all about why I'm making a change in this podcast, including why that is going to be extra great for you as a listener. In fact, you're going to get even more of my focused expertise, aimed at the issue that affects 80% of people in relationships at some point: libido mismatch. I'm keeping all the no-nonsense, research-based, caring content you know me for. What you also get is laser-focused expertise on desire differences— the issue that touches virtually every other sexual a...

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31:55

What is Embodiment? Why Somatics Are Key to Better...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/09/15

Your body remembers every touch, every rejection, every moment of connection—even when your mind has forgotten. But most of us are living from the neck up, disconnected from our bodies and the wisdom they hold about our desires, boundaries, and authentic selves. In this episode, I'm demystifying embodiment and somatic (body-based) approaches for intimacy issues. I'll break down what it actually means to be embodied (versus disconnected), why your nervous system holds the key to better sex and...

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26:31

Is It Okay to Fantasize During Sex? A Guide to...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/09/08

Many people worry that fantasizing during intimacy means something is wrong with their relationship or attraction to their partner. In this episode, we explore why mental wandering during sex is completely normal and can actually enhance your experience. Learn the difference between healthy fantasy that keeps you present and embodied… versus problematic fantasy used for dissociation or avoidance. We'll cover why active minds (especially ADHD brains) benefit from fantasy, when it becomes a red...

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24:13

Situationships and Friends with Benefits - What Works...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/09/01

Are casual-sex relationships always problematic, or can they actually work for some people? In this episode, we break down the key differences between "friends with benefits" (clear boundaries) and situationships (confusing lack of clarity). Learn why catching feelings during casual sex is completely normal and healthy, when these arrangements can work, and crucial signs they're not right for you. We'll explore attachment styles, discuss why some people naturally bond through sex while others...

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29:05

Should I Tell My Partner What Turns Me OFF?

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/08/25

We're going to get really nitty-gritty here today and give you the full details on why, when and how to tell your partner what turns you off. I'll also give you the important exceptions -- that is, when NOT to frame something as a turn-off. Plus you'll get a step-by-step guide on how to have these conversations -- and my Golden Rule for how to make them WAY less hard. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how ...

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26:23

Can You Really Learn Relationship Skills Through...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/08/18

What if getting better at relationships and intimacy could actually feel amazing? In this episode, we look at the evidence to challenge the assumption that learning relationship skills has to involve painful, difficult conversations or years of heavy therapy. Drawing on science about how our brains learn best, we talk about why pleasure and play are actually superior teachers when it comes to intimacy. I'll break down the problems with traditional talk-only approaches and share how embodied, ...

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27:05

How & Why Your Non-verbal Communication Matters

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/08/11

Today's episode is all about non-verbal communication, it's role with authenticity and trust, and why it matters so much in romantic and sexual relationships (and all relationships, for that matter). Here's the link for the Hawaii retreat! Don't miss your chance to join us! https://www.kamahagar.com/retreat-page/ Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Deepest Turn-Ons, and learn how to work with me at https://laurajurgens.com.

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18:39

Why Do I Have Low Desire? 10 Questions to Figure It Out

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/08/04

Even though nearly everyone will go through periods of low sexual desire in their lifetime, most people have no idea how common it is or that it's solve-able. Sadly, a lot of people feel like there is something wrong with them, or like they are broken. This episode will normalize what you're going through, plus give you 10 important questions to help you identify the root causes of your own low desire. Get my free email newsletter with helpful tips, plus a free guide to Finding Your Dee...

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19:10

How To Stop Avoiding Your Own Desires & Figure Out...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/07/28

"Send me a text" Are you secretly scared of your own desires? I see this all the time in my practice – we avoid knowing what we truly want because we're terrified of disappointment. But here's the thing: your desires are there whether you acknowledge them or not, and avoiding them is just quitting in advance (there's no benefit). In this episode, I'm walking you through a powerful exercise that will help you uncover what you actually want (not what you think you should want). We're goin...

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24:31

When Touch Feels Off: Why It Happens & How to Fix It

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/07/21

"Send me a text" Have you ever been with someone you love, but their touch just felt... wrong? Or maybe your partner has told you that YOUR touch feels off, and you have no idea what you're doing wrong? I'm diving deep into this incredibly common issue that so many couples face but rarely talk about. First, I want you to know: you're not broken, and neither is your partner. This happens to normal humans with normal senses, and it's actually important information your body is giving you. I'm b...

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13:25

Spontaneous vs. Scheduled Sex: How Do We Find The...

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/07/14

"Send me a text" It can be hard for couples to find good times to connect sexually. Busy lives or different sleep schedules are just some contributing factors that make finding time for sex especially challenging. Add to that an expectation that sex is "supposed to be spontaneous" and we have a recipe for frustration. Join me for an exploration of where the whole "thing" around spontaneity comes from, why you might like to de-bunk the myth that spontaneous = passionate, and how you can ...

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25:52

Are We Just Too Sexually Incompatible? How to Know.

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/07/07

If you're asking yourself whether you and your partner are just too sexually incompatible for your relationship to work, this episode is for you. (Tip: It's also for people you know who seem to be asking themselves this all the time. Please share it and you could save someone a lot of angst). Join me as we dive into the hidden issues underneath this question. If you or someone you know is asking this question, you know that it can take a lot of energy and really sap your joy. So let's f...

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45:24

What Really Turns Me On? With Danielle Harel, PhD

The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with... ·

2025/06/30

Don't miss this important (and fun) conversation with Danielle Harel, PhD, co-founder of the Somatica Institute. We talk all about discovering your deep turn-ons, how to know and ask for what you like, and why everyone's arousal pathway is different. We also flirt and laugh a lot while we demonstrate a mini-conversation to have with your partner. Grab the Somatica Institute's guide to Finding Your Hottest Sexual Movie (what turns you on) with this special link for podcast listeners: htt...

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94 results

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