PODCAST

#AutisticAF Out Loud

Johnny Profane (Knapp Âû)

One Voice... Raw. Real. Fiercely Autistic. johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com

society & culture personal journals

All Episodes

10:42

7 Autistic Decades. I'm Still Driven. What If I NEVER...

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2026/02/11

Still driven to matter. Desperately. Almost 73. And I can’t unwind… busted springs, broken dancer in a jewel box. This piece isn’t an answer. It’s an accusation. And underneath? A terrified question I can’t stop asking.Is listening more your thing? Hit the headphone icon 🎧 on the player above. Or pick your app: Apple, Spotify, Overcast, YouTube.{Music} IntroYou're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. One autistic elder’s truth. I’m Johnny Profane.Content

6:07

Autistic in a Sea of Faceless Ghosts… I Still Want to...

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2026/02/04

Note to long-time subscribers: You’re seeing this one again cuz I’ve given the original video a serious makeover. Then tucked it into a small archive of live spoken word pieces, for the newer folks these raw pieces brought to our strange little corner of the internet._____Someone wrote me: “These knocked me sideways… I spent so much time as an undiagnosed autistic girl, wondering if I was the alien dropped among the normies.”I can’t see faces. When I try to remember someone… even my wife… I see a

1:37

This Autistic Elder Looks Back… without Shame

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2026/01/26

If you’re drawn to the raw experience born of neurodivergence, disability, trauma… or just honest storytelling that doesn’t sanitize the hard parts… Maybe this one’s for you. With full transcript, video, original artwork.Family leaves marks on you. Some visible, some not. Hell, just breathing-while-autistic… in the adult world… does a number.“Couldn’t you at least make it, Profano?” says my wife-to-be. Adding, “Who wants to be called ‘Profane??’”Conversations about changing my last name… I mean, who

3:32

Spoken Word Autistic Burnout: "Believe I'll...

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2026/01/16

Full Text TranscriptSomeone said an average writer “borrows.” The other kinds, both kinds... steal out right.Bowie, Robert Johnson, Marvin Gaye. I owe you guys one for this. Believe I’ll Ch-Ch-Change… My Shirt.Sunlight cracks my window,Gotta be midday. Kick myself a pathway Just to pee into the bowl. Like a peek into that deepest hole, Zombie in the Mirror won’t let me look away — Same filthy shirt as yesterday, Body and soul. I Gotta Change. They say, “Ya gotta ch-ch-change. New day’s

3:40

"every clock is a handgun pointed at my head"

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2026/01/14

Full Spoken Word TranscriptMy time, it can’t be measured. Not a dimension. It’s a force.A violent force.every clock is a handgun pointed at my headIIIEvery clock is a handgun pointed at my headEvery tick, tick… fucking tickTolling Fear, Doom… dreadClick. Slide. Cock… click.Every night a mantra echoes through my headTV static… a crazy-making humSinging Dream, Drempt… dead…Not done. Not done. Not done… undone.10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown

3:54

Autistic Spoken Word on this Moment...? “Slouching...

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/12/31

This moment... this New Year... disturbs many. I want to share a disturbing moment from my autistic youth—and how I survived it. It weirdly relates to right now.At 70-something, this is the happiest time of my autistic life. Not chasing distant goals—just breathing in this fabulous moment here.This piece inverts Yeats’ “Second Coming” to tell a personal story about my grandfather, sailing out to Montauk Point, and discovering that the anxiety of losing sight of shore gives way to something

3:06

Friends, Grief & Autism…? They say we have no feelings…

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/12/06

Friends, Grief & Autism…? They say we have no feelings…They say autistics don't have emotions. Don't make friends. Clue, I ain't Spock.This is "My Friend Billy." A spoken word piece about grief, friendship, and what they never tell you about our autistic hearts. From my Amazon chapbook "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head."3 minutes that blast the myth that autistic people lack emotional depth… wide open.Billy died in a polar vortex. Alone in his home. Local newspaper may have blandly read,

3:13

Family, School, Work? They created this autistic bad@$$.

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/11/24

Where does my autistic rage come from? Not from being born wrong. From being raised, schooled, mocked, trained, therapped, and medicated into it.This is about the source. The ones who created what they blamed us for. No apologies, no redemption arc—just the accusation.Content note: Strong language, family trauma, discussion of rage & medical consequences of the rage they told us to keep inside + the experiences & opinions of one autistic elder. Born in 1953.👉 Gift Season: “every clock is a handgun

1:55

Like Some Angel with a Dislocated Shoulder: Song for...

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/11/17

A father’s reflection on parental regret, missed connections, and what it means to forget the life you didn’t live. Raw spoken word + visual art. No hidden meanings. No inspiration. Just what it’s like👉More poetry: “Live Autistic Truth” playlist (link below) 👉 Full collection: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” (link below)👉 Transcript: Link in commentsContent note: Parental regret. Family estrangement. Unfiltered autistic experience.This piece explores the strange way autism and ADHD

1:56

Family is complex for me. Autistic + ADHD... but...

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/11/07

A spoken word piece about family wounds, estrangement, and choosing to live unapologetically. From Elvis dying on Mount Marcy to stalking Death Valley stars—this is what shameless looks like when you stop trying to be the son they ordered.👉 Gift Season Special: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head”https://a.co/d/3e0Uc7iRaw poetry & art exploring autistic innocence and experience. Perfect for:* Your autistic or ADHD someone (the gift of being seen)* That someone who isn’t... and wants to

10:35

Trump Brings Gaza War Crimes Home to US Autistics

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/11/05

Trump brings Gaza war crimes home to US autistics.Using starvation to subjugate people is a war crime, whether at the point of a gun or denying SNAP benefits.November 1st, SNAP halted. Healthcare funding threatened. Social Security could vanish, Trump warns. 42 million Americans face losing food assistance. Not someday—right now.A nation that uses starvation on its own civilians? I’m no lawyer, but I’d argue that’s tantamount to war on its own people. Any day of the week. And I consider it a crime

14:39

LIVESTREAM: Trump Brings Gaza War Crimes Home to US...

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/11/03

Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.Show notes and transcript up tomorrow, 11/3.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts… free. To support my work, please consider a paid subscription.Notes, sources, and further readingnot comprehensive or complete, but where I startedInternational Law: Starvation as War CrimeSupporting Sources:* Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court, Article

1:42

My Autism? Failing Upward to Burn Out? Or Succeeding...

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/10/31

My autism? Failing upward toward collapse, succeeding downward toward joy? What if you weren't born to produce anything? 👉 New Chapbook: "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" → https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY 👉 Start Here: Live Autistic Truth playlist → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgBbPyJUGJw&list=PL_812RrZO_QWB-WHVZRBe-hjr37UNPxdb 👉 Full text & weekly authentic autistic content → ://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com What if your life's value

9:32

RFKjr, Tylenol... Autism? Facts Ain't the Point

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/10/26

RFK Jr.’s autism claims aren’t about helping anyone—they’re about deciding who gets to exist in America.👉 New Chapbook: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” - https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY👉 Start Here: Live Autistic Truth playlist 👉 Full Text & Sources: https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.comChapters: 0:00 Cold Open + Promise 0:45 RFKjr’s Agenda vs the Facts1:52 Name the Agenda: Eugenics2:31 Mask of Compassion for Parents... A False Flag4:08

7:45

I saw... "Trump Disbands Congress." The Autistic...

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/10/21

👉 Check out Trigger Warnings playlist More analysis on how world events impact neurodivergent lives and practical resistance strategies. I just saw Trump disbands Congress. For all intents and purposes, the US government isn’t just shut down—Trump has effectively rendered Congress useless and substituted his own personal will for governance. 00:00 Cold Open + Promise 00:25 “Disbands Congress” Now 01:43 Soft Authoritarian Playbook 02:12 Congress Halted; Senate Stalled 03:28 De Facto Control

23:41

LIVE: Urgent Trigger Warnings, Plus RFKjr & Autism…

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/10/16

Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.Trigger Warnings: Trump Disbands CongressSources:Democracy Now!democracynow.org/2025/10/8/adel…“Scary Precedent”: GOP Blocks Rep.-Elect Adelita Grijalva from Taking Seat Amid Epstein Files FightRepresentative-elect Adelita Grijalva, who won a special election for a House seat in Arizona two weeks ago, has still not been sworn in to Congress. Republican Speaker of the House Mike Johnson is blaming the

1:19

That Autism Superpower Thing... Let's Blow the Whole...

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/10/02

👉A live reading from the Amazon book, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.”What You’re About To WatchA quick, sharp destruction of the “autism as superpower” narrative that’s everywhere in neurodivergent spaces. No superpowers. No kryptonite. Just the messy, explosive, delightful reality of being autistic without the costume drama.These 60, live seconds cut through the inspiration porn... and all that other ‘you’re so brave’ bullshit. Saying exactly what needs said:We’re the heroes and

10:49

Live Autistic Truth: "sneaking my mother's creepy g-d...

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/09/19

Video SummaryA cinematic spoken word piece that cuts through decades of family silence with surgical precision.Set against the Heaven's Gate cult tragedy and Hale-Bopp comet of 1997-98, this hybrid performance follows three wintry family gatherings where religious expectations collide with neurodivergent reality.Watch what happens when an autistic adult finally stops performing "normal" at the dinner table - and pays the price.This isn't therapy. Not self-help. No “cautionary tale.” It's a

2:57

What They Didn’t Tell Me About My Autistic Body… That...

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/09/12

Content Note: Sexual abuse, family trauma, therapy processing, strong language, intense emotional contentVideo SummaryThis live piece cuts to the bone of what trauma recovery actually looks like. When your brain works differently. And your body never forgets.What happens when you finally see yourself clearly in a therapist's mirror?When rage becomes the only honest response to betrayal? When family protection fails and the body becomes your only witness?Studies report as many as 75% of all adult

1:42

Live Autistic Truth: "Dancing Close to the Edge of...

#AutisticAF Out Loud ·

2025/09/09

👉 Subscribe… free or paid… to Substack, get a free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.👉 Support my work → Available as Amazon ebook or softcover. Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.Content Note: Strong language, neurodivergent struggles, communication barriersVideo SummaryA raw piece that captures what it feels like to be autistic and ADHD at 71—trying to communicate through the static and distortion of a damaged system.Plain, direct language. No hidden

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