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PODCAST

After the Affair

The ‘After the affair’ podcast with Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Let’s explore what’s required to rebuild trust not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help! and no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.

society & culture relationships

All Episodes

10:47

182. It Just Happened. The Myth of the Sudden Affair

After the Affair ·

2026/03/18

When someone tries to explain a betrayal, one phrase often comes up: “It just happened.”But for the betrayed partner, this explanation rarely brings clarity or peace. Instead, it often creates more confusion. How can something so painful and life-altering simply “happen”? In this episode, Luke explores why this phrase is so common after infidelity and why it often feels unsatisfying to the person who was betrayed. He explains how affairs rarely begin with a single moment of betrayal, but instead

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13:31

176. Pacing: Why Rushing Your Healing Slows It Down

After the Affair ·

2026/02/04

After betrayal, many people feel an intense pressure to move quickly, to decide, to understand, to feel better.That urgency often sounds logical and responsible. But more often than not, it’s fear wearing a sensible disguise. In this episode, Luke Shillings explores the concept of pacing, not as avoidance or indecision, but as a skilful, intentional way of healing. You’ll learn why betrayal disrupts our sense of time and safety, how urgency can masquerade as intuition, and why moving faster than

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13:44

175. What’s Actually Essential After Betrayal

After the Affair ·

2026/01/28

After betrayal, many people believe healing means doing more:more processing, more understanding, more effort, more tolerance. But what if that belief is what’s keeping you stuck? In this episode, Luke Shillings introduces essentialism as a recovery lens, not as a productivity tool, but as a way to stabilise, simplify, and heal without burning yourself out. You’ll learn why betrayal creates mental and emotional overload, how “trying harder” often backfires, and what actually must be in place for

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13:56

174. Are You Being Driven by Fear?

After the Affair ·

2026/01/21

Fear influences far more of our behaviour than most of us realise. Not obvious fear. Not panic or terror. But the quiet, reasonable-sounding fear that shows up as urgency, overthinking, control, and the need for certainty. In this episode, Luke Shillings explores how fear operates as a hidden driver in everyday life, and why it becomes even more powerful after betrayal, when safety and predictability have been shattered. You’ll learn how fear disguises itself as logic and responsibility, how it

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11:12

171. The 3 Ingredients Behind Most Betrayals

After the Affair ·

2025/12/31

As the year comes to a close, many betrayed partners find themselves reviewing everything that happened, and quietly turning that review into self-attack.What did I miss? What should I have done differently? How did this happen to me? In this episode, Luke offers a clear, grounding framework for understanding how most betrayals actually occur, without excusing the behaviour and without placing responsibility where it doesn’t belong. You’ll learn the three ingredients that show up again and again

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9:28

169. Why You Can’t Decide After Betrayal: And How...

After the Affair ·

2025/12/17

After betrayal, one of the most painful places to be is stuck between options, unable to stay, unable to leave, unable to trust your own judgement.Many people believe they’re stuck because they don’t have enough information, clarity, or certainty. But that’s not the real problem. In this episode, Luke breaks down how human beings actually make decisions, and why relying on feelings or logic after betrayal often leads to paralysis rather than clarity. You’ll learn the three ways decisions are really

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12:21

167. Is Non-Monogamy Just an Excuse for Betrayal?

After the Affair ·

2025/12/03

In the aftermath of betrayal, a growing number of people are hearing something deeply confusing, and often deeply hurtful:“Maybe we should open the relationship.” “Monogamy just isn’t natural for me.” “I think I’m actually non-monogamous.” But what happens when these statements appear after an affair, not before? Is it genuine self-discovery… or a way to avoid accountability? In this episode, Luke breaks down the crucial difference between ethical non-monogamy and the post-affair use of

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8:49

162. When You Don’t Know What to Do After Betrayal

After the Affair ·

2025/10/29

After betrayal, it’s common to feel paralysed, caught between wanting to fix things and fearing you’ll make the wrong move. Every decision feels heavy, every option uncertain.In this episode, Luke explores the truth about indecision after betrayal and why waiting to feel sure is keeping you stuck. He shares how our minds chase certainty to avoid pain, and how the real path forward begins with trust, not in others, but in yourself. If you’ve been living in limbo, this short, reflective episode will

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13:19

159. The Truth About Safety After Betrayal

After the Affair ·

2025/10/08

After infidelity, “safety” becomes the word we chase;- Emotional safety - Relational safety - Internal safety But what does that actually mean? And how do you build it when trust has been broken? In this episode, Luke explores the delicate balance between finding safety within yourself and rebuilding safety with your partner. Because healing isn’t about becoming immune to pain or pretending you don’t need anyone, it’s about knowing how to meet yourself when the pain comes, and recognising who’s

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10:54

158. Fight, Apologise, Repeat: Breaking the Cycle of...

After the Affair ·

2025/10/01

Fight, Apologise, Repeat: Breaking the Cycle of False HopeIf you’ve ever felt stuck in the cycle of conflict and reconciliation, the fights that leave you questioning everything, followed by apologies that flood you with hope, this episode is for you. Because while those moments of reconnection can feel powerful, they don’t always mean real change is happening. Sometimes, they just keep you hooked in a painful loop of false hope. In this episode, I’ll explore: Why the fight–make up cycle feels so

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14:49

157. When the Marriage Doesn’t Survive Infidelity

After the Affair ·

2025/09/24

When betrayal strikes, many couples attempt reconciliation. But what happens when it doesn’t work out? When the marriage itself doesn’t survive, and you’re left staring at a future you never planned for?In this episode, I explore the emotional reality of life after infidelity when reconciliation comes to an end. We’ll talk about: Why survival mode is not the same as healing. The loneliness of everyday moments and how grief deepens when you lose the sense of “we.” How to balance the demands of

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22:16

156. Beyond Good and Bad: Rethinking Your Feelings...

After the Affair ·

2025/09/17

In this reflective episode, Luke explores why some people feel easy and others feel impossible, and how much of that is shaped by our beliefs. Drawing on intuition/gut feeling, judgement, and old wounds, he unpacks how the brain filters reality, why we mistake interpretations for facts, and what changes when we separate feelings from the ego’s instant verdict.This is a practical reset: notice the story, strip back to facts, and choose the response that serves you now. Key Takeaways Beliefs =

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13:42

155. Back to Basics After the Affair

After the Affair ·

2025/09/10

Sometimes, after betrayal, the path forward feels overwhelming. There are countless emotions, opinions from friends and family, and a constant urge to predict what the future might look like. In this episode, Luke goes back to basics. He shares his own story of moving through separation and divorce, and how he began rebuilding his life by focusing on what he could control, letting go of what he couldn’t, and learning to get comfortable with discomfort.If you’re in the early days after betrayal, or

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15:18

154. Contempt After Betrayal: The Silent Killer of...

After the Affair ·

2025/09/03

Contempt is one of the most corrosive emotions in any relationship, and after betrayal, it shows up on both sides. The betrayed partner may see the unfaithful as beneath respect. The unfaithful partner may grow contemptuous of how long healing takes. Either way, contempt is the silent killer of connection, intimacy, and empathy.In this episode, Luke explores what contempt really is, how it differs from resentment, why it so often takes root after infidelity, and why it makes reconciliation almost

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19:01

152. Serial Cheaters - Can They Ever Really Change?

After the Affair ·

2025/08/20

When infidelity isn’t a one-off, but a repeated pattern, the pain cuts deeper. Serial cheating raises questions not just about what happened, but about who your partner really is, and whether change is even possible.In this episode, Luke explores the often misunderstood world of serial cheaters. What defines them? What signs should you look out for? How should you respond if you discover multiple betrayals? And what message is there for those who find themselves stuck in a cycle of repeated

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17:25

150. Trigger Warning: What To Do When Everything Sets...

After the Affair ·

2025/08/06

Triggers after betrayal can feel sudden, overwhelming, and impossible to control. But what if they’re not signs that you’re broken, but signals from your nervous system that you still need safety, care, and attention? In this episode, we break down what a trigger actually is (spoiler: it’s not drama), how it works, and why you don’t need to be trigger-free to be healing. Whether you're rebuilding with your partner or learning to trust yourself again, this episode offers compassion, clarity, and

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15:31

147. When Things Feel Off: Trusting Your Gut After...

After the Affair ·

2025/07/16

You’ve rebuilt. Or maybe you’ve started again. On the surface, things seem okay, your partner’s doing the work, or your new relationship looks healthy. And yet… something still feels off. Not wrong exactly, just off.In this episode, we explore that subtle unease that often lingers after betrayal, the one that can leave you second-guessing your instincts, your partner, and even yourself. You’ll learn why your body might be picking up on cues your brain hasn’t named yet, and how to tell the

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17:31

146. Infidelity Recovery Expert Q&A: The Questions...

After the Affair ·

2025/07/09

When you’re in the thick of healing after betrayal, it’s not just the pain that drains you. it’s the unanswered questions that loop endlessly in your mind.In this Q&A episode, I respond to four of the most emotionally exhausting questions I hear in my coaching work and online communities. These aren’t the questions people ask once, they’re the ones they ask over and over, quietly, in their own head. We’re covering: How to rebuild trust when you don’t even trust yourself anymore What to do when

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13:20

144. You Crossed the Line, Now Here’s Mine:...

After the Affair ·

2025/06/25

After betrayal, it’s easy to feel like you’re stuck reacting, trying to manage your partner’s behaviour, walking on eggshells, or questioning your own emotional limits.But here’s the truth: You don’t need their permission to protect your peace. In this episode, we unpack what real boundaries look like in the aftermath of infidelity, not as walls or punishments, but as powerful acts of self-respect. You’ll learn: Why boundaries aren’t about control, but clarity The difference between emotional

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07:23

143. From Rock Bottom to Rising Strong: Hope on the...

After the Affair ·

2025/06/18

After betrayal, it’s easy to believe that your best days are behind you. That the pain you’re in now will always be part of you. But what if this isn’t the end of your story? What if it’s the beginning of something deeper, truer, and more aligned with who you really are?In this uplifting episode, I share the often untold truth about healing from infidelity: that it doesn’t just break you, it can build you. From rock bottom, we talk about what it means to rise strong. You’ll hear how emotional

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