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PODCAST

Pillow Talks

Vanessa & Xander Marin | QCODE

Meet Vanessa and Xander Marin, your new BFF couple friends! She’s a sex therapist with 20 years of experience and he’s a regular dude. Together they’re the shockingly open, slightly nerdy, and seriously funny couple you want to grab sushi with. They share the ups and downs in their relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours. Subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally do-able sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really

health & fitness sexuality

All Episodes

60:51

E227: Initiation: What You’re Getting Wrong And How...

Pillow Talks ·

2025/09/25

Hot take: when you finally get initiation right, your entire sex life opens up.Think about it. No more awkward “was that supposed to be a signal?” moments. No more pressure on just one person to get things started. And no more cycle of rejection and resentment. When initiation feels fun, confident, and mutual, everything else in your sex life starts to feel easier, more connected, and a lot more exciting. We’re back with a re-air of one of our most popular episodes ever, because initiation is

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64:54

E226: Foreplay Frustrations: How to Get More (and...

Pillow Talks ·

2025/09/18

Did you know that 64% of people say they want more foreplay than they currently get? And most people say they wish it was part of every sexual experience.No wonder foreplay frustrations are so common. Maybe it feels too short, too routine, or like your partner just doesn’t quite “get it.” The truth? Foreplay isn’t just a warm-up. It’s one of the most powerful ways to feel connected, build anticipation, and experience more pleasure (especially since only 10–15% of women orgasm from intercourse

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63:38

E225: The Truth About Sex and Aging: Menopause,...

Pillow Talks ·

2025/09/11

Aging is inevitable. But letting your sex life fade away? Nope.This week, we’re tackling one of our most requested topics ever: sex and aging. We’re answering your biggest questions about how intimacy shifts as the years go by: from libido changes, to navigating menopause, to keeping things hot. 💛 In this episode, we cover: How old is too old to have sex (spoiler: never) What to do if your libido and your partner’s don’t line up anymore Navigating perimenopause and helping

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64:46

E224: The Ultimate Beginner’s Guide to Sex Toys & Tools

Pillow Talks ·

2025/09/04

There is absolutely zero shame in using toys in the bedroom. In fact, they can be a game-changer for pleasure, intimacy, and just plain fun.Whether you’re curious about where to start, nervous about how your partner might react, or worried about your kids (or pets!) discovering your stash, we’re covering it all in today’s episode. We’re also sharing some of the funniest (and most relatable) real-life sex toy stories you sent us. Because if you’ve ever had a vibrator confiscated by your toddler or

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65:46

E223: Sex After Baby: Postpartum Sex, Intimacy & Desire

Pillow Talks ·

2025/08/28

The postpartum stage can be one of the hardest (and least talked about) seasons a couple will ever go through.Your relationship changes. Your body changes. Your sex life changes. And with all of that comes a swirl of feelings you might not have expected: Resentment toward your partner A crushing imbalance in the mental load Feeling “touched out” 24/7 Nervousness (or fear) about having sex again Worries about your body never feeling — or looking — the same The

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69:55

E222: The AI Girlfriend: How to Protect Your...

Pillow Talks ·

2025/08/21

Imagine this: your partner sits you down and says they want to open your marriage…Not for a real-life person. But for their AI companion. Sounds like a Black Mirror episode, right? But it’s real. In today’s episode, we’re diving into the wild, complicated, and very real intersection of AI and relationships. From romantic connections with chatbots to emotional venting with AI companions, technology is evolving faster than most of us are prepared for. And it’s already showing up in our love

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69:21

E221: How to Explore Your Kinks Without Shame...

Pillow Talks ·

2025/08/14

Ever wondered why you have a certain kink? Or if it’s OK to fantasize about someone else during sex? Or maybe you’ve been curious about cuckolding, breeding kinks, or pegging… but didn’t know who to ask.Well some of you asked us! And today, we’re answering your questions about kinks and fantasies. From the psychology of desire to navigating mismatches with your partner, we’re tackling the wild, the vulnerable, and the deeply human side of sexual exploration (as always, with zero shame and plenty

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59:17

E220: A Partner’s Guide To The Female Orgasm

Pillow Talks ·

2025/08/07

The female orgasm: we’ve talked about it a lot over the years, but it never stops being one of the most requested, most misunderstood, and most fascinating topics we cover.In this episode, we’re flipping the script and looking at orgasm through a partner’s eyes. What does it mean to be supportive? How can you tell if she’s actually orgasming? And why is it so inconsistent? We’re answering your most Googled questions, plus the ones you’ve been too embarrassed to type into a search bar. Here’s

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63:35

E219: The Truth About Female Orgasm: Your Q’s Answered!

Pillow Talks ·

2025/07/31

You’ve probably heard people say, “Oh, you’ll just know.”But what if… you don’t know? 👀 This week, we’re diving deep into one of Vanessa’s all-time favorite topics (and the one she first became known for as a sex therapist!): the female orgasm. Whether you’re wondering if you’ve ever actually had one, struggling to feel much of anything, or just desperate to experience the kind of toe-curling, body-melting release you’ve seen in movies — this episode is for you. 💦 We’re answering your most

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62:46

EPISODE 218 Got the Ick? Why It Happens in...

Pillow Talks ·

2025/07/24

You thought last week’s icks were bad? Buckle up, friend.Because in Part 2, we’re getting into the next-level icks — the ones that make you question everything. Like… oral sex immediately after intercourse. Or the dreaded dick flop. Or your partner’s casual approach to burping, farting, and forgetting what deodorant is. These icks go way beyond open-mouth chewing. We’re talking postpartum rage, peeing with the door open (or worse… the sound), and the surprisingly common hygiene habits

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66:10

EPISODE 217: Got the Ick? Why It Happens in...

Pillow Talks ·

2025/07/17

You love your person… but lately… the sound of them chewing is making you cringe.You’ve got the ICK. So what do you do? And what does it actually mean?! This week, we’re breaking it all down for you plus what to do when your partner’s quirky habits suddenly feel like a total turnoff. 🤮 We’re also sharing your ick stories — from when baby talk stops being not cute to when dirty texts majorly backfire. Whether you’re currently dry heaving on the inside… or worrying that you’re the one

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56:22

EPISODE 216: The Truth About Being Passive In Bed:...

Pillow Talks ·

2025/07/10

Does this sound familiar? Your partner asks you to take control in the bedroom… and your brain completely short-circuits.You freeze. You feel awkward. You suddenly have no idea what to do. If you’ve ever found yourself defaulting to passivity during intimacy—or if the idea of “being in control” feels totally foreign—you’re so not alone. In today’s episode, we’re asking the question: Are you letting sx happen to you… or are you a active participant during it? We’re also talking about

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51:52

EPISODE 215: Mismatched Sex Drive Types: The #1...

Pillow Talks ·

2025/07/03

Does it ever feel like you and your partner are just never on the same page when it comes to sex?One of you wants it more often. One of you needs things to be just right. One of you initiates. One of you never does. It can feel frustrating, confusing, and even a little bit lonely. But there’s a good chance the issue isn’t actually about how much you want sex… it’s about how you want sex. In today’s episode, we’re breaking down one of the most important tools we’ve ever shared: the two sex drive

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86:24

EPISODE 214: The Truth About Being Touch-Starved...

Pillow Talks ·

2025/06/26

This week, we’re diving into something that seems simple but holds a lot of power in your relationship: touch.Whether it's a lingering hug, a soft shoulder squeeze, or just holding hands while watching Netflix — physical touch is one of the most important (and underrated) ways to build connection, intimacy, and trust. But if you’ve found yourselves touching less — or if touch feels off somehow — you’re not alone. We asked our audience, and: 47% said they want more touch 37% said

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66:13

EPISODE 213: What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 3...

Pillow Talks ·

2025/06/20

Have you ever wanted a peek inside a man’s brain? 🧠We’re back with Part 3 of one of our most talked-about episode series — answering all the burning, bizarre, and brutally honest questions you’ve always wanted to ask men. This week, we’re diving into what men really think about everything from doggy style to aging to the internet daddy of the moment, Pedro Pascal. 🎙️ Here’s what we’re getting into: What are men actually looking at during doggy style? What do they think when

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77:40

EPISODE 212: Why You Flinch When Your Partner Touches...

Pillow Talks ·

2025/06/12

Have you heard of The Bristle Reaction? It’s a term Vanessa coined—and when we posted about it on TikTok, over 8 million people watched. (You can watch that here 👉 https://www.tiktok.com/@vanessaandxander/video/7206335375453867306?lang=en)The Bristle Reaction is that moment when your partner reaches out for a hug or a kiss… and your body instinctively recoils. Even when you love your partner deeply, their touch can sometimes create a sense of tension or irritation—and it’s more common than you

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68:37

EPISODE 211: Ask A Sex Therapist: Penis Pumps,...

Pillow Talks ·

2025/06/05

Ask a sex therapist is back!Have you ever Googled something about sex and then immediately deleted your search history? 🥵 In this week’s episode, Vanessa (a sex therapist with 20+ years of experience) and Xander (her ever-curious, regular dude husband) answer your most personal, pressing, wait-am-I-the-only-one? questions about sex, intimacy, and everything in between. Here’s what we’re diving into: Is it weird if my partner and I don’t kiss during sex? (Pretty Woman, anyone?)

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66:43

EPISODE 210: How To Know When Enough Is Enough

Pillow Talks ·

2025/05/29

Maybe it’s a gross habit that totally kills the mood…Maybe it’s a bigger issue that leaves you feeling unseen or disconnected… This week, we’re diving into a question we hear all the time: Should I be putting up with this in my relationship? Whether it’s your partner’s lack of ambition, a dead bedroom, constant yelling, or socks in the couch cushions (yep, really) — we’re breaking down how to tell the difference between healthy compromise and straight-up self-betrayal. We’re walking

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63:38

EPISODE 209: Mental Load: The #1 Desire Killer

Pillow Talks ·

2025/05/22

Does sex feel like a chore to you?According to 86% of our audience? Yes. Maybe sex doesn’t feel great. Maybe it it’s more about your partner getting their needs met than you. Maybe it’s just started to feel like another thing to check off your list. But maybe the issue isn’t sex at all. Maybe it’s that you’re carrying too much — between the keeping the household running (and kind of clean), parenting logistics, and the weight of every single thing it takes to adult… It’s not that sex

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61:26

EPISODE 208: Stuck In A Relationship Rut? Here’s Your...

Pillow Talks ·

2025/05/15

In this episode, we’re giving you a realistic, 4-week plan to help you and your partner get out of that relationship rut — even if you're super busy, overwhelmed, or feeling disconnected.No grand gestures. No impossible checklists. Just simple, thoughtful actions you can start this week to feel closer again — emotionally and physically. Here’s what we’re covering: The difference between a rut and a red flag 🚩 How we define “realistic” connection (especially if you’ve got zero

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