Two Dicks in a Bar

01:06:37

Spider-Man #1000, Jimothy the Raccoon, and the Color...

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/10/01

Amazing Spider-Man hits issue 1000 at $9.99 a copy after launching at 12 cents, and somebody at the table still can't understand how there could be a thousand of them. Also: a fight over which emotion powers the Green Lantern, a limited-run putter made from recycled Crocs and stamped with a raccoon named Jimothy, and a shot so cloudy it got compared to alien jizz.

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00:55:37

A Bald Guy from Georgia, the One-Armed Cook, and the...

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/09/24

Somebody rips the stall door off the bar bathroom and blames a bald guy from Georgia who never existed, which leaves the one-armed ex-cook as the only other suspect. Also: a live on-air Google confirms the full bush is officially back, and a tramp stamp that supposedly predates the term.

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01:27:17

Guessing Tom Cruise's Height, Practical Magic Regret,...

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/09/17

A Sandra Bullock/Nicole Kidman/Tom Cruise height-guessing game turns into an actual Google competition, and Tom Cruise still comes up short. That segues into a Practical Magic sequel review 28 years in the making, which mostly involves someone's mom threatening to walk out. Then it's a full-blown DC multiverse lecture — Flashpoint Paradox, evil Martha Wayne, the whole thing — that nobody asked for but everybody stayed for.

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01:13:49

Minus 52 Points for Being a Good Listener

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/09/10

Fantasy football draft recap turns into a public shaming when someone admits his bedroom superpower is "being a good listener" and gets docked 52 points on the spot. Also: a door hinge finally gets fixed after nearly taking someone out, a bathroom sink that just won't turn off, and a long, confused conversation about a niece's TikTok candy-bucket career that nobody at the table can explain.

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01:34:31

Chinese Subtitles, a Returned Stolen Semi, and a...

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/09/03

Somebody decides they’re now watching every movie in Chinese subtitles from here on, right after explaining why porn is better with captions. Also: a stolen trailer gets guiltily returned two hours later, a debate over whether lap dances improve when the stripper’s crying, and a full apocalypse survival plan that ends with eating the dog.

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01:58:25

Balancing the Budget by Nuking Everyone First

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/08/27

An argument about flock cameras spirals into a full federal budget rebuild — 30% off the military, a corporate tax hike, and a surprisingly confident case for striking first with nukes. Also: a Darth Vader cosplayer testifies at a town hall, a smallpox scar becomes a two-needle forensic investigation, and Dolly Parton’s death sends the whole bar into a genuinely sweet detour.

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01:08:43

Soaking, Strawberry Cocaine, and Shorts Two Sizes Too...

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/08/20

The gang explains the Mormon “soaking” loophole in graphic, unnecessary detail, then pitches a flavored-cocaine business plan (strawberry, cherry, “decaf” for the coke-curious). Also: an Ibiza recap featuring a solar eclipse shaped like a shark fin, a lost suitcase, and shorts so small they had to be worn back to the hotel.

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01:32:06

Chester A. Arthur Ruins the Vibe

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/08/06

Someone rattles off a random dead president's name and it's correct, and nobody can let it go. Also: running with the bulls in Pamplona, a boat-terminology argument settled by asking an AI, and a full-throated defense of "six seven."

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01:00:39

The Purple Seltzer Has No Flavor and Neither Does...

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/07/30

A rant about a watermelon vodka switch and a mystery seltzer that’s just labeled “purple” somehow spirals into Fed policy, Trump’s Epstein birthday card, and a UN vote where America got left standing alone with Iran and North Korea. Also: karaoke, a snowball joke nobody fully commits to, and a passionate defense of pizza crust quality.

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01:00:55

Mitch, Please — Diamonds, Dead Talk Shows, and a Fake...

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/07/23

The crew invents “Mitch, please” as the new “buffering” and immediately loves it too much. Also: a genuinely heated argument about diamond hardness versus brittleness, a rundown of every dead daytime talk show host from the 80s, and Jesse’s dad’s rich friend wanting to open a bar in Homestead with zero actual plan.

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01:09:13

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Golden Girls Edition

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/07/16

The crew drafts Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, and Sophia in the filthiest game of the night, and somehow Sicilian folklore comes up. Also: the actual government conspiracy behind processed American cheese, a scientifically detailed (and wrong) theory on duck penis mechanics, and why nobody can agree on what a “gorilla fart” shot is called.

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01:16:26

Is Mitch McConnell Dead, and Other Olive Oil...

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/07/09

The bar decides Mitch McConnell has probably been dead in a hospital bed for three weeks and nobody’s telling us, then pivots straight into “Big Olive” running the oil industry like the mob. Also: a senator picks a Twitter fight with Mbappé and loses, and someone tries to explain the difference between bourbon and whiskey to a room that stopped caring immediately.

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01:21:28

Divorce 101, Dick-Sized Pool Cues, and Hating Dave...

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/06/25

Jesse gives an unsolicited, fully detailed tutorial on how divorce actually works, lawyer fees and all. Somehow that turns into a heated debate about cue stick diameter that is absolutely a dick joke. Also: a unanimous, aggressive hatred of Dave Matthews despite everyone admitting he has a great voice, and a birthday girl turning 34 while the table argues over who’s old enough to be “on the back half

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01:29:24

Passing Semis on a 150cc, Clit Pumping, and Property Tax

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/06/25

A guy upgraded to a bigger bike this year because last time his fat ass couldn’t make it up the mountain. Also on the agenda: the full LGBTQ+ taxonomy from twink to zaddy explained by people who are figuring it out in real time, Messi’s birthday goals, and a Florida ballot amendment that will either save homeowners money or defund every fire department in Polk County.

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01:06:16

The Mouse We Released on the Competitor’s Patio

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/06/11

Jesse once caught a white mouse in the bar and, rather than kill it, let it go underneath the wooden deck at the place across the street. He stands by this. Also: rank choice voting, the Heavy Metal magazine Trump-wall cartoon from the 90s, a nephew’s gas station hallucination situation, and Gen Z apparently being the first generation to score lower than the one before it.

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01:31:59

Head Wound, Horse Jerky, and the Guy Who Beat a...

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/06/04

Jesse got free drinks by papering a city meeting, Nate does mental math like a demon, and somehow the show ends up deep in Revelation debating whether Trump is the Antichrist. Also: AI art ownership, dung beetles, and the NBA Finals happening somewhere without them.

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01:36:53

The Answers Keep Changing and That’s the Problem!

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/05/28

A Canadian shows up with opinions and the moon landing goes several rounds. Claude gets fact-checked in real time and doesn’t exactly nail it. Also: cooperation vs. scarcity mindset, the section 8 Land Rover loophole, why insurance companies ruined healthcare pricing, and Tito’s running bulk vodka through one pot still and calling it artisanal. Ends with Sinatra.

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01:33:16

Everything will be OK as soon as you are OK with...

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/05/21

If you had a week to live, would you stop sweating the small stuff? One answer is yes. The other would be MORE upset about traffic. That tracks. Also: ears cleaned for science, a guy in a mascot costume jumps into a monkey enclosure and gets arrested before the monkeys can handle it properly, AI dating negotiations, and Stranger Things, Wheel of Time, and Game of Thrones all convicted for crimes against their source material.

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01:08:25

Nobody Wants My Meat

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/05/07

The 2nd annual charity golf tournament raised money for the American Cancer Society, Anthony showed up with 10 pounds of venison nobody would take, and somehow the conversation ended up at the Artemis 2 crew answering questions from children — all of which were about food or bodily waste. In between: how much of your charity dollar actually reaches the cause, why Mike and Jesse changed a flat tire for four kids who didn’t know there was a spare in the trunk, and whether Shania Twain is famous

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01:16:40

“ She Nods Slowly”

Two Dicks in a Bar ·

2026/04/30

Solo episode energy with Angel filling in for Mike, and somehow it works. The conversation hits the bar’s origin story, AI etiquette, a feminist chatbot breakup, and whether the Great Salt Lake needs a billion dollars or just a rain dance. The back half gets surprisingly substantive: corporate greed as a design feature, why the immigration system backlog is a feature not a bug, ESOP as an exit strategy, and the argument that Trump tribalized America more than anyone since the Civil War. Also:

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