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The Jambalaya School Newsletter

The Impotent Satyr

Jambalaya Grade School is exactly how you remember life at your own school—the school mascot died sort of tragically, and then so did the next mascot, and the next; 4th grade recess devolved into a gang war, fulfilling an ancient prophecy etched into the bottom of the playground slide; the kindergarten classroom caught fire, marking the 8th year-in-a-row—the usual stuff you repressed from your chilhood. We sure get some wacky sponsors, too. Oh, and the Vice Principal plays a parody song each

comedy comedy fiction

All Episodes

22:37

18| Unmarked Windowless Vans Contain Candy

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2025/10/25

That mascot pep-off sure got violent. But that violence led to Bethany Greenwick reclaiming her title as school mascot! Who says violence solves nothing? Students, the GPS tracker to be installed in you will be quite painfull-less-ish... Keep your eyelids peeled, again, for Mr Frito's missing glass eye, again! Sports are happening, and we are telling you about them. Take a deep breath; September is plastic bag awareness month. The shortage of available teachers is a key issue that I am keeping an

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24:55

17| The Cheerleaders Formed a Pyramid Scheme

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2025/09/25

Billyvonne (Billy Turner's soul inside Yvonne's body) is doing a great job as school mascot! ...aside from that basketball game. Book Fair is here! And Bobby Warner has returned to Jambalaya!! Dads are being real obnoxious with this FART nonsense. BUY ENERGY SLOP. CONSUME ENERGY SLOP. Please. And use my coupon code: HELPME at checkout. Talk to Coach Larson about joining the Tract and Field team today! Sheild your childrens' ears from the addictive reverberations of kazoos. Thank you to The Kayak and

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22:52

16| No Vaporizing On Campus

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2025/08/24

Stop giving away cafeteria apples to Mz Fulcrum; she's not even as hot as Mr Minotaur. Though Principal Fendleton vaporizes students (and smokes a couple packs of cigarettes per day) neither are allowed on campus. Francine did what no student has done before; I'm still shaking. Guess who the mascot is! Mr Johnson is still turning in his grave—don't you worry. STAY OUT OF THE MASCOTS' LOUNGE. Well, the Billy Turner is back from the grave, and he's kind of a jerk. Thank you to our sponsors, Chodelula

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24:20

15| Caution Sweat Floor/Cuidado Piso Sudor

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2025/07/21

What, you've never seen a sweat floor before now? Don't stare, and watch your step. Tough luck for Braydon; I was really rooting for him not to get totally disintegrated by Principal Fendleton's left hook. Witness me and my bus racing! Whoever reheated cod in the teachers' lounge microwave is gonna get a slap across the back for a job well done. The school only has so many orphans to give away to Home Ec. Students—PLEASE keep the one you have been given ALIVE FOR THE DURATION OF THE WEEK. Oh my

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20:20

14| Shadow-Dropped Toilet Bowls

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2025/06/27

Three hurrahs for mascot DNA splicing! Don't talk to my son until he's had his coffee. Yooo we shadow dropped toilet bowls last week. You're all so smelly. I am become my own HR person. ASB elections were a suprise upset, and I owe Mr Stanovich fifteen bucks. If I have to think about that hand turkey again, I know I'll puke. These unsactioned Jambalaya podcasts are bringing me to my whit's end. If I had a child and caught them listening to one of these illicit audiotapes, I would make them listen to

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22:40

13| The Chemistry Lab Floor is Lava

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2025/05/25

The floor is lava; go figure. Elections are here, cool kids! Those shifting halls in the high school are hiding a door that has been long lost to this school. Mr Minotaur is leading the charge (safely behind a wall of students) into the catacombs to battle the combat enhanced rat king! Woah, who could have seen the twist the came from the Egg Board of 'Merica? Music for this episode was performed by Jemmy Joe. You can find lots more of his eclectic work at jemmyjoe.bandcamp.com. Thank you to our

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20:03

12| Gerald's Limbs Have Finally Fallen Off

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2025/04/27

Our wonderfully undead former mascot, Gerald Fitzgerald, has at last succumbed to gravity—well—most of him has. Have a heart; donate your heart! Those death metal band names are GNARLY. Sirit Week is here at last, and it's going to be a blast! Boy was it wild when Justin Rice laid that egg in front of us all. This month's music was provided by SSS AKA Sam Smith at sssmusic.bandcamp.com. Thank you to Nunyuns and Dongsmasher 2K23 for the XBox360. And a very special thank you to Budweiser. This month's

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21:29

11| Putting a Moratorium on This Crematorium...

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2025/03/22

Come spell "Sheldon the Egg Board Egg" with our cheer squad and your community at the next sports function! Mr Minotaur stamps his hooves and makes us laugh, cry, and long for those days far behind us. Nothing is happening in the teachers' lounge; a profit is not being made by nothing going on in the teachers' lounge; silence your inquisitivity. The high school is open! Unfortunately, we have only two teachers for all four grades—sorry. Driving lessons are being offered for free; please bring your

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19:30

10| Show-and-Tell Went Fine Everybody Clapped

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2024/12/20

Poor Bethany, she was our mascot for only a few minutes. That HAS to be a Jambalaya record. A warm welcome back to Jonathan Bowers who was crushed physically—now he's crushed figuratively. Show-and-Tell has been CANCELLED for no bad reason. Please refrain from making bovine jokes in Mr Minotaur's class. Ms Shannanoff is single again, and she needs a place to crash for a few weeks. Gravity in the math room is now technically better than it was. Attire and Mari's Minced Mints sponsored. Music for this

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24:59

9| The Stanky Leg Is Prohibited

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2024/11/19

Gerald Fitzgerald isn't the best mascot, but we're finding a use for him in the upcoming Harvest Dance. Speaking of which, our late shop teacher, Mr. Johnson, will be attending...as a cadaver. His widow will be dressing him up and posing him for pictures. It will be so much fun. Be sure to adhere to the dance move regulations! I'm serious. Our smart, tallented, nepotism student, Maximillian Engvalde, will be bragged about in this episode. His parents gave us money to talk him up. But I swear we

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27:20

8| The Gun Library is Open to All

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2024/10/20

It's so great that Gerald Fitzgerald has been ressurected and is aimlessly wandering around campus! Mr. Manadult was not who he/they appeared to be. The toilet situation is crappy—pun unfortunately intended. It's plastic bag awareness month; students, prepare yourselves for a three-hour mandatory lecture on safety when cinching. Don't accept the wrapper-less caramels from Drewann McDermott's pockets. Better yet, don't make eye contact. Music by David Petty @ davidpetty.bandcamp.com Additional

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22:32

7| Jambalaya Does Not Stink

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2024/09/22

Whoever spray painted those distasteful remarks about Jambalaya's natural musk wouldn't know a good smell if it invaded their nostrils. Yes, the hall minotaur is still reigning terror in the high school halls—we're working on it. We welcome a new sponsor: The Egg Board of 'Merica! And just in time for book fair; check out a book about eggs and the beauty of the cloaca. Take care when walking on the ceiling in the social studies classroom. If anyone has any information on who keeps deleting Raymond

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23:39

6| Beware the Hall Minotaur

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2024/08/23

The long-closed high school wing of our school has been unearthed. Too bad there's a minotaur roaming the labyrinth-like hallways. Be aware that soccer tryouts are spontaneous. Keep a lookout for Mr. Frito's glass eye. Oh, jeez, those pen pal letters from Gumbo Elementary are...graphic. This month's parody song was Half Shell, a parody of Alice in Chains' song Nutshell. Lyrics: We met the Foot Clan's rise; We saw our own demise. And here I fight; Here I fight this battle on my own. No turtle to turn

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20:11

5| Bus Jousting & Budget Cuts

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2024/07/21

Joseph Wheeler, our thought-to-be-lost school mascot, has returned and now rules the playground with an iron fist (Hulk Hands). School bus jousting is here again, even though two people died last year. Budget cuts saw our janitorial staff laid off—even the cute janitor we all like. But Jambalaya is opening its long-closed high school wing of our building! Yes, Vice Principal Fendleton is still consuming an unsafe amount of testosterone supplements. This month's song is Bach Against the Wall, a

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18:19

4| Lost & Found, 4th Grade Gang War, Minions

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2024/06/23

Joseph Wheeler, the new mascot, is MIA. On top of that the 4th graders had a gang war. It happens. It's possible that the hall monitor was involved. But good news; we have the license to use Minions in Jambalaya School plays! The school is being remodeled. The teachers' lounge is not being remodeled, though. Nor will it ever. EVER. I went through the lost & found pile and SHEESH there's some weird stuff in there. Stop hiding milk in the lockers! Safe Space Jam lyricsEverybody get up, it's time

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19:17

3| Winter Music Recital & the Portal to Lansing, MI

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2024/05/19

A portal to Lansing, Michigan caused the cafeteria to burn down. Bobby Warner is transferring to Grindlewald but not because of the fire, I swear. Billy Turner was a great mascot. Was. Thank you to Duraflame for sponsoring our fair school in this time of need! Try to avoid Principal Fendleton and her ruthless high fives in the hallways. Verbally-taught guitar lessons are back!Aluminumb lyrics:Deep underground you have mined into meBound for the furnace, Brought up to the surfaceI don't know what

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18:25

2| Spirit Week & Zipper Awareness

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2024/04/19

Did you hear what happened to Garfield the Bottlenose Dolphin? I don't think I'll ever get over that one. Spirit week is here! Don't go into the teacher's lounge on Wednesday. Look out FOR but don't look AT the escaped specimens as well as the hooded figures hunting them. This month's newsletter is in memory of Tyler Lockhart.

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14:49

1| 67th Annual Milk-Chugging Contest

The Jambalaya School Newsletter ·

2024/03/23

Did you hear what happened to Larry the Crocodile? It was so tragic. Don't forget to fill your kid's backpack with milk for the contest! Picture day approaches—remember what we talked about. Don't go into the teacher's lounge. I'm sorry, but did you just say the kindergarten classroom caught fire again? Dammit, I owe Mr. Stanovich twenty bucks.

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